I think BBJ said before she can't stay mad at people. That's an admirable trait.
I don't have any advice because this just wouldn't happen between me and STBXW. Our lives are almost entirely separate and there's very, very little altering the schedule.
Of course, I see them so many days that I rarely feel like I'm disconnected.
I think eventually he'll stop with the hateful messages. We all grow up sometime. You haven't taken the bait -- but you internalize it maybe too much some times.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Hey Bobbi, It pains me to see Dan being soooo disgustingly rude to you. He is abusive. End of. He has no right to talk to you that way, even if you were somehow reconciling, neverlone divorced and him seeing someone else.
Where is your anger? Where is your spirit? Can you see that he has beaten you down into submission so far that you dont even rise to it anymore and just "put up" because ANY contact with him feeds your need for emotional connections with Dan. I was glad to see you admit that, that you still love him and have in no way let go.
You need to stop blaming the kids, or saying, its for the kids sake. Your kidding yourself Bobbi (not entirely, some of it is for the kids, sure). But you cant make it alright for them by putting yourself through hell with a man that no longer loves you. Its not just for the kids Bobbi, its for you. If you smooth things over and maintain family time, you think that paves the way to reconciliation, keeps everything ticking over, normal as it can be whilst you wait. And you get lots of Dan contact, which feeds your longing for him. But its a twisted, unhealthy f*cked up contact and we all see it and so do you even, I know you do hun.
Everyone is right. Dan sees the kids on the alloted days and thats it, no more jumping when he says jump "for the kids sake". Kids need routine, they need boundaries. You keep switching the meal arrangements and days they see Dan and this will only confuse them and maybe even all this family time is feeding Nathans false hopes you will re-marry. Think about that one.
You are struggling dear Bobbi and in answer to your question, you cant make yourself let go, detach, so you can only "fake it till you make it". Ask Dan for help. Tell him you are struggling, please stick to regular visitation and dont contact me unless its about the kids. Make yourself do the 24 hour rule. If its urgent, answer the text. If not, make yourself not reply for 24 hours. Hell, we all had to do it Bobbi when we were DBing! I spent weeks waiting hours/days to answer emails on the advice of Jeff. Go back to basic principles to stop all this knee jerking. Why should you be let off the hook
Lastly.. ask yourself, is all this twisted contact with Dan making you happy?
Hugs as always, Al xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
That was a great post Ali. Tough but some very good points. If i can be brutally honest, even after a few years, my exchanges with the X sometimes slide out of the D10 (in a few days) discussion boundaries. Always initiated by her (well 90%), I do get the warm fuzzies still when the X choses to share stuff (usually happy and business related) with me. The difference is that they do not linger at all. Why they do it and why we allow it? For me it is a combination of continued good relations for the sake of co-parenting and probably still being a friend (an ear). Do they deserve it? That is up to US to decide. So in a sense I do understand BBJ's struggles but and I think you are right about BBJ getting something out of ALL that contact.
I'm not so convinced that BBJ is living some sort of fantasy waiting game for Dan. I wonder whether, due to his bullying nature, she's scared to stand up to him. By smoothing over and giving in some she maybe feels she can contain the bullying and not get too burned. It's probably a way of coping that she picked up in the marriage. I say that because my wife was often a little bully and I would avoid confrontation and try to smooth things over, especially when I knew the marriage was hanging by a thread. My wife was good at head on collisions, I not so good. Usually, in those times when I'd give it to her it would be unthought out comments that made the sitch worse. So I'd work my way around it, smooth things over...didn't work! So, BBJ does this have a ring of truth to it for you? Bullies make you feel that you can't stand up to them so you look for other routes, he's a bully big time!
The other extremely important point I forgot to tell you that helped me heal was to go no contact. He wanted to be friends. It ripped my heart out at every interaction, especially when he would occasionally slip back into the blame game or get nasty with no reason. If he was nice, it hurt, too - maybe even worse. It was a loose-loose situation for me, and as much as I hated to do it, I had to cut off contact. I am divorced more than 2 years, and we still have very little contact - mostly email and text. I can stand a brief phone conversation about the kids, and we do school conferences together. That's it. My kids are ok with it; they understand. They still spend time with him on a schedule.
I'm not so convinced that BBJ is living some sort of fantasy waiting game for Dan. I wonder whether, due to his bullying nature, she's scared to stand up to him.
I'm no mental health expert, but... people who are in relationships with somebody who is bullying, moody (and often alcoholics), and so on... will often develop coping skills to "manage" the situation and placate the bully so that things run smoother.
They often make it their job to try and make that person happy, cajole them into not acting up, and so on.
That's the reason I homed in on the "rescuing" behavior. Dan's a big boy. If Dan wants to throw a tantrum and not see his kids because his kids can't agree on what food to eat, then it's his loss, IMO. I don't that is protecting you or your kids from his bad behavior because it is ultimately enabling his bad behavior.
It's not your job to manage Dan. It's your job to protect and provide for yourself and your children and to set a good example for your kids, and teaching them to rescue an adult that is throwing tantrums and making bad choices over and over is not, IMHO, the best thing you can be teaching them.
No need to act in anger, no need to be nasty, but no need to rescue the bugger either.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
I'm not so convinced that BBJ is living some sort of fantasy waiting game for Dan. I wonder whether, due to his bullying nature, she's scared to stand up to him.
I'm no mental health expert, but... people who are in relationships with somebody who is bullying, moody (and often alcoholics), and so on... will often develop coping skills to "manage" the situation and placate the bully so that things run smoother.
They often make it their job to try and make that person happy, cajole them into not acting up, and so on.
I think you are spot on. And it's a very difficult dynamic to break. That is why BBJ has to set some hard boundaries. I admit that I got into that song and dance w/ my H. And one day I got so fed up w/ it. Always placating and barely getting anything in return. I said "No more." Up until recently he was texting me all this bosh, this yes and no and I told him to shove it. No mroe. I am not doing it anymore. Mean what you say, not all this back and forth sh*.
