Finding My Way

[Mystik]

Yeah, I'm trying to plan my day right now. Don't want to start too early, but also want to be done and hopefully home by 7, and we're going to two different places. If it was a Saturday I'd be more flexible but it's not. DS has school tomorrow and needs a shower so it's home earlier for us. If H wanted to ToT with us he should have come home to us months ago.

[Mystik]

Did ok around H today. He was going to take DS trick or treating at the mall but got there too early, it started at the time we meet. He called me right before I got to the mall to let me know, so I offered to let him take DS around for a bit while I waited but he said it would be another ten minutes before they started ToT at the mall and he just wouldn't get to ToT with DS this year. When he dropped off DS I was polite, didn't tear up or anything.

Been feeling better the past couple days. I think it's because the old bat showed up so my emotions are more stable, and that I've been praying more and asking for God to help me do what ever it is I need to do for H to come home. I feel so strongly that H is going to come back, it's just a matter of being patient. Not sure if I'm slowly going crazy and convincing myself of that, or if it's God speaking to me.

[Mystik]

Still hanging in there. Missing H, but that's a given. Just trying to focus on DS and take it day by day.

[Mystik]

Dreamt about H last night. In my dream I asked him why he hadn't done anything about the car insurance yet. And he replied that he liked having me around, that he missed me. So feeling rather somber today, just praying for the strength to get through this.

[Vulcanized]

You will get thru this. Don't doubt yourself, you are strong. You can and will be ok.

Dreams about the H are the worst.

[Mystik]

It doesn't help that in all my dreams either we're apart and I'm sad and missing him, or we're talking about reconciling, or we have reconciled. The other night I dreamt I was having an affair with H, he was cheating on Whore with me. And I was so happy to be back with him that I told him to wait on telling her, I wanted to enjoy the me and him time together first.

[Mystik]

I haven't filled out or filed the court papers yet. I'm just so nervous about making H hate me. I feel it would be a very adversarial move and I'm not willing to do that right now.

[Vulcanized]

I haven't filled out or filed the court papers yet. I'm just so nervous about making H hate me. I feel it would be a very adversarial move and I'm not willing to do that right now.

M, you're thinking about this backwards. H should be concerned about you hating him. H has f*(ked up on a massive scale; think about YOU: your needs, your wants, your DS, etc.

Whether or not you want to file is a totally diff story. If you feel unwilling/unable to file, that's fine. That is your choice. But H leaving you & DS, shacking up w/whore & starting another family (while still tangled in current one) is quite adversarial. Think about YOU and DS. Those are the 2 folks that matter most here.

[idontunderstand]

I haven't filled out or filed the court papers yet. I'm just so nervous about making H hate me. I feel it would be a very adversarial move and I'm not willing to do that right now.

((Mystic))

It's so hard reading your posts and knowing the pain that you are feeling. I understand we all have our own pace of working this stuff out in our minds. It's easy to be looking in from the outside and tell you what you should do or how you should feel.

I have retained my L but not filed for some of the same reasons you mentioned. I don't want a long, drawn out court fight and I am just assuming my W will try to make that happen. I really don't know. I have chosen not to because I want to be able to tell my kids that I tried everything that I knew how to keep this family together. But, when my W or your H has no desire to do anything to make the relationship better and they are too chickensh!t to do it themselves, how long are we supposed to hang around and wallow on our guilt or shame or sadness?

I won't tell you to file. I will tell you, like others have, that you shouldn't be worried about your H hating you. He has already made his decision. He is the one who should be worried about what he has done and continues to do to you. You should hate what he has done. It makes me sick to read let alone have to live through it.

Until you realize that you are worth so much more than giving him the time of day, you won't get better. Throughout this whole ordeal, I have gained self-confidence and a sense of self-worth that I hadn't felt in years. It feels great. Even in the midst of my family falling apart and accepting my part in it, I feel better about myself than I have in way too long. I think you need to start there. Accept that your H has made his choice and you have one to make of your own: Be the best Mystic you can be. For yourself and for your DS. If you do that, there is no down side. You win no matter what.

Please look at yourself and know you and DS deserve so much better.

[Mystik]

Got home tonight to a message on the answering machine from H questioning if he was still on my insurance or not. It was quite a blow, even though I myself told him last month he needs to get his own policy. So DS called H and it turns out H was in a bad car accident today, thinks his car is totalled. He is also with another insurance company, not sure if it's Whore's or not. We spoke and I told him I was glad he was ok but didn't get all emotional about it, kept it as impersonal as possible. He said since his car is most likely totalled he doesn't know what is going to happen as far as transportation now when he's supposed to have DS and he'll let me know more as he knows more.

Naturally after I got off the phone with him I cried. Cried because I miss him, because I love him. I cried because I'm not the one he turned to after his accident to let me know he was ok. I cried because he is no longer on my policy, there is no longer that thing connecting us. I still feel so strongly that we're going to work things out but until that happens this situation is really draining.