Where to start!! My wife has stated that she wants her freedom and wants to be single. We've been married for 6 years and together for almost 10. We have 3 beautiful daughters. My wife has stated that she's not happy and wants a divorce. I myself want no part of a divorce and i am holding my ground.
My wife has been texting and hanging out with a guy who she says that they are just friends. This texting and hanging out together have been going on for the past couple of months and it drives me insane to know that she texts him almost non stop during the day. I've probably been doing all the wrong things in the last few weeks with begging, pleading, crying, buying flowers, etc etc. She has said that she's fallen out of love with me but yet we have been intimate a couple of times in the past week.
I have treated my wife extremely well pretty much gotten her whatever she wants whenever she wants and even sometimes gotten her things she never asked for. She says the reason she wants out is because i never treated our 3 girls the same way that i treated her. I love my girls but i will admit that I could've been a better and more loving father to them and i have done this in the last couple of months.
I finally figured out what it means to be a good loving parent and have shown my kids that. I've spent considerably more time with them and done more with them too. She has noticed this also just last nite she said to me "why does divorce make a man lose weight and change how he is with his kids". I've lost 25 pounds in the 6 weeks and she has noticed this also because she's said that I look really good!! She says that she is still attacted to me. But she seems very set on divorcing, she has been going out alot more and hanging out with this other guy. She has said that she likes her freedom and doesn't know what she wants. She seems very confused and has told people that she is confused.
Just last night we hung with our girls and went shopping and had a very good time and even played around like it was old times when we were shopping.
Please help me I don't know what to do!! I love my wife and family very much and i'm confused. I don't want to lose my family and i'm not about to give up on my marriage.
She is in the thick of an affair. Tell her you aren't game for being married to her if there is a 3rd person involved. Mean it and stand your ground. BE FIRM. No more flowers, begging, pleading. Just a very clear statement that while you love her and want your M, you will not be in a M where she is having an affair.
She is in the thick of an affair. Tell her you aren't game for being married to her if there is a 3rd person involved. Mean it and stand your ground. BE FIRM. No more flowers, begging, pleading. Just a very clear statement that while you love her and want your M, you will not be in a M where she is having an affair.
This.
Then stop talking to her about anything that doesn't directly relate to your kids.
Get a new hobby. Go out. Do cool stuff, and don't tell her about any of it.
It ain't easy... But it's EXACTLY what you need to do.
While she is in the midst of this affair, you cannot believe a word she says about anything.
She will literally make up reasons why your marriage failed. Do not listen to them.
Do not even TRY to "fix" the marriage while she is having an affair, it WILL backfire on you and you will drive yourself crazy.
She is having an affair, Prooney. Whether it is physical or not it does not matter. If it's not physical, we call those 'round these parts an Emotional Affair (EA). Often times, an EA can have more impact on a WAW than a physical one.
She is confiding everything in this guy. Believe it. She feels detached from you because she is attached to him.
There is no way you can save this M when there is an OM involved. You need to cut off all contact with her excluding stuff about the kids. No contact.
State that you will not live in an open marriage regardless if this is "friendship" or not. You won't stand for it.
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
I forgot to mention that we've been intimate a couple of times in the last week. I don't honestly think it is anything physical but I can believe that it is something emotional.
I forgot to mention that we've been intimate a couple of times in the last week. I don't honestly think it is anything physical but I can believe that it is something emotional.
uggg..... another noob on the site, same denial, same questions, same faith in their spouse that they could "never" do the certain things.
"I don't honestly think it is anything physical but I can believe that it is something emotional."
Famous last words.
You can believe what you want.
That's up to you.
You can believe in the toothfairy, santa claus, pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, fairy dusty, peter pan, etc.
You can believe in anything.
Doesn't mean what you believe in will come true.
Do you honestly believe she and the other man could hang around for "months" and nothing physical transpire between them except for a great friendship with lots of texting and puppy love type emotions.
Seriously?
You believe that?
Well time to take off those make believe, never never land sun glasses off and open your eyes to the real world.
The wife has told you she wants a divorce. She's not in love with you, doesn't want to be with you, etc.
And she's hanging out with another man constantly.
Even in never never land, 1 + 1 must equal 2
Your wife may be living in a fantasy world right now but you don't have to, the sooner you join us on planet Earth where sometimes bad things happen to good people, the sooner we can help you but I will refuse to give advice to someone who won't believe what's happening in front of his own eyes. That would be a waste of time and typing.
Your wife... is having an affair. Believe it.
There are things that you can do to turn this around, fairly quickly but only if you actually do them. If you start saying things like "I can't do that" and "I stand for my marriage and won't do that" and "I can't believe she would do that", well then that's when I will say "I can't help you", and "I can't give you any advice because you wouldn't listen anyways" and "I can't help someone who doesn't really want help when what they're looking for is another shoulder to cry on"
No offense, but there are lots of people on these forums that need help, I'd like some indication that you're willing to do what will work and what is counter-intuitive but will shift things around in your favor.
I'll give you something to do tomorrow, the first step:
- go to the mall, pick up a new shirt, a new pair of jeans, a new belt, and a fresh pair of sneakers, a new hair product and new cologne (doesn't have to be expensive, even an axe body spray to get the ball rolling). Get a haircut, something different, something more now, something less you - in fact all of these items should be something that you normally wouldn't wear but looks good on you (don't just buy stuff, get something that looks good on you, spend a few hours, finding out what fits well and looks good, if you look sloppy, this won't work, you want to look... "FRESH")
Seriously, do these things. No excuses, just do it. I don't care if you have no cash, put it on the credit card, consider it an investment in yourself and your first step into this process.
Wear them when you get home.
When the wife asks you what's up with the new outfit and look, you tell her "not to worry about it"
And then you sit her down and tell her
"Ummmm.... we need to talk" but not in a needy way, in a way that sounds like you're about to drop the bomb on her.
When you actually get her to sit down, you tell her "look I've been thinking about things and I've decided that I agree with you, we should separate and get a divorce. I'm not going to spend weeks or months trying to convince you or anyone else to be with me. Life is too short for that. Since you've been seeing this other guy, I have to assume stuff has happened between the two of you and I can't settle for someone who would cheat on their spouse and I'm no one's second option and I won't wait for you to have your fun & freedom with this guy and then later decide it was a mistake and want to come back home. If it's easy enough for you to get a boyfriend, I think it's easy enough for me to find a new girlfriend. I've gotten a few legal consultations and I will be filing for joint custody, 50/50 shared custody and I will get it. You will need to look for another place to live, the sooner the better, you wanted a divorce and you wanted to find another boyfriend, well now you can have that and you can also be the one to move out. It wasn't my decision to end the marriage and break up the family, it was yours but I can handle your decision and I can make a few more decisions of my own concerning all of this. I don't want you sleeping in the master bedroom anymore, you can sleep in the kids rooms or the couch, basement, whatever, that part is up to you. I will help you pack your things, I can bring home moving boxes from work tomorrow and I can even help you move your things to your new place when you find it. I will set up a separate chequing account, and list expenses so that you can start paying your half around here. That's all I have to say for now and I won't be discussing this any further, I've made up my mind and this is WHAT I WANT. We can still be civil with regards to being parents but that's it, I hope you understand."
Get up, leave the room, pull out your phone, call someone, anyone, don't mention their name on the phone, just say something like "Hey you wanted to go out for some coffee, I can meet you in @ 30min., cool, see you in a bit, bye!" If the wife follows you, and starts to ask questions and talk or even get argumentative, just put up your hand in a stop motion and tell her that you've said your peace and don't want to talk about it anymore, you need space from her after what's she's done.
Then head out the door and go for a drive and come back in a couple of hours.
Yes this is all acting and BS but for the time being, you don't know how to correctly feel detached and moved on so you will have to put on an act, a convincing one. I hope you can pull it off without screwing up.
No more wussy man, melty man, "do everything" man behaviors out of you, they won't work with a spouse that is actively having an affair.
You have a lot to think about and digest, have a good night, you have a big day ahead of you.
