I can speak from experience here... First...you did not cause this, nor are you really the reason...the reason we focus on ourselves (IMHO) is because we want to make a change for the better in our selves...this also serves as a wake up call to our spouse because then they see us differently as well... Second...you are not driving your H away from your children...he is making his choice...my husband chose to stay away, not because of lack of love for his children but because inside he knew he was messed up...even though at the time he couldn't admit it... Take time to look at all the beauty around you...we get so busy in life that we sometimes look but don't see...not a day goes by now that I don't notice a beautiful cloud against the blue sky, a pretty palm tree sticking up into the sky, a beautiful flower, a pretty bird, or a cute baby with it's mother...I have been known to lay on a lounge and watch ants! I have found it very good for my own mental clarity and happiness...even though my husband has been home for several years I have maintained this appreciation...it helps me be in charge of MY happiness...
Take care
P.S. right now I am walking through this with a very dear friend who has 3 teenage boys...her husband returned to a woman that he had a child with 16 years ago!...it is so easier to give advice to people here but it is so hard to be tough with my friend!... So if I am MIA and post sporadic, please understand this is why.
Lin - SO glad to hear from you! Believe it or not - I really use your story as a source of hope!
Rys - I love tennis as well - took a class in college / used to play with H every spring and summer (not competitively) - always wanted to take lessons and play in a league. Maybe it's a good time. Funny - my kids EXCEL in their areas (dance and basketball) - H was a great basketball and tennis player. Me? Nothing...My siblings excelled in basketball too - me...nothing. Always the "nice" girl. In an alcoholic/agoraphobic home I was the caretaker - people pleaser. I've been the stable one. Had the great marriage, great kids, great job. I am in wonderland here...no clue.
I'm 47 and have spent my life in this supporting role. Now what? I guess that's what I am supposed to find out.
Thanks all so much for listening to my whining! I know it gets old!!
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
My middle d brought 10 girls home with her for the night - big football game. They were supposed to be out at parties all night but as luck would have it - they all ended up in my living room. So I got up and made breakfast for them - cleaned up my kitchen from their "3am snacking". And LOVED every minute of it!
I LOVE being a mom!
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
Very long day - mostly good though. Tough single parenting issues this evening regarding S's moodiness and agitation. Been worse since he met with his dad on Thursday. Tonight he admitted that he is stressed and overwhelmed. H and I were a good team as parents. I feel confident that I am a good parent - but I often get overwhelmed and exhausted. I get angry at H's abandonment. His selfishness.
Heard Sara Evans song today "I Get A Little Bit Stronger" - amazing lyrics / dead on to those of us at this site.
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
I have noticed that my kids are kinda crabby and cranky when they get home after they have been with their Dad and OW. In a way, I am glad as I would be very sad if they totally accepted the situation...but, I know it is not right....
Just be the best parent you can be!!! You can't make-up for your H...that is up to him!
I am going to check out that Sara Evans song you posted....
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
Well friends - today was quite interesting. I'm driving my middle D back to school then driving to my hometown for a quick visit. At 3pm my H calls me. Wants to tell me that yesterday while cleaning S's car he found a bottle of pain pills!!! He then says how are we going to handle it? I ask if I can call him back. I get my composure together - call him back and ask "Why am I just hearing about this today when it happened yesterday morning?" He says "you all were going to lunch" and "I thought he would come to me about it" - I said "did it have anything to do with the fact that you were off and you didn't want to be disturbed?" I said - you are a school counselor - is that what you advise parents at school?" I said I don't have the ability to only make S a priority "occasionally" - that it was a 24/7 job. I said - "you tell the kids that the reason you are gone is that you don't want their mother / you don't love their mother - well guess what - that same mother is who they have right now!"
Friends...I lost it! He went on and on about how if I was handling the break-up better the kids would be better.
The man is completely CRAZY!!!!!!!!!! So I come home and work through the situation with S. Then have him call his father. Said to S "sorry bout your luck - but we are educators and we have drug tests available" -
FTR----my life NEVER looked like this! God help me!!!!!!!!!!
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
Day 4 of my 4-day weekend. Was moving along fairly well until yesterday's events. Today, woke up and got S out the door with hot chocolate (his favorite).
Emailed H as follow-up to events with S. Asked him to communicate when/if he gives S money and if they are meeting up just so that I can stay on top of S's activities.
I was really, really angry with H yesterday. For him to withhold this kind of information about S was beyond crazy. I truly believe that he just did not want his day off inconvenienced by having to deal with parenting. We had it out on the phone and for the first time since all of this began I said things that I had been holding back. I told him that I could not believe how detached he was from the kids. That he thought they were immune. That he had absolutely no idea what life had become for them and for me. He came back with "well if you would be amicable about this and had cooperated it would all be different." I said that I was willing to be amicable while we were working to move to a structured separation with the counselor but that when he refused I could not. I also said that I could not be cooperative by lying to the kids saying that "we" wanted the marriage to end / "we" wanted this/that. I told him that once he went back to phone lines and f****d the hooker in June - everything changed.
I didn't bring up the fact that he said his hotel room had two beds so that S could spend the night. The truth is it has one bed. I didn't bring up the fact that he has not given a dime to S. I didn't say anything about him telling the kids about his bartender. I didn't say anything about him texting instead of talking. I didn't say anything about the losses. I didn't say anything about standing.
I read a line recently about God and anger. I think it was God said "be angry but do not sin"
I am angry and for the first time I felt justified. Why has it taken so long? Now I need to be productive with it.
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
First - I want to use this energy to keep moving forward. Take control of MY life and that of my family. I want to be a better person overall. I want to be a positive light in my family and friends' lives. I want to find productive ways to deal with my sadness and hurt. I want to feel it then leave it. I want to chronicle the last 6 months and possibly more to compartmentalize it and not let it define me.
That's my start
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
