Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 15 of 31 1 2 13 14 15 16 17 30 31
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 918
G
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 918
Sandi -
I don't know right now what I want. That is part of the problem. I think I know, but then when I do some soul searching, I am no longer 100% positive. I think I would give it one more shot...

Puppy actually is NOT against your advice provided I have legal and financial situations squared away (not quite there yet) and that I have intel sources to protect me and the family. He says without those 3, then he doesn't recommend waiting. He is actually not going full boar on this one as you might expect.

Respect is an issue that would have to be resolved. Because I feel like I let her walk on me as it is...by not already sending her packing...but Puppy got me off that path of kicking her out without having legal advice first

More later
Short on time at moment


M39 W41
Two children
WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09
Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10
No longer piecing...Nov 10
Separation Jan 11
EA ends again Feb 11
Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 2,466
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 2,466
GW, I always love R2C's slogan: "what is right for my children is right for me".

STBXH bombed me on Dec 22 as we were driving to our yearly Christmas holiday-at-snowy-rustic-cabins-with-another-family. The middle of the night crying and conversations while the kids were sleeping were HORRIBLE. But I am grateful that we had one last family Christmas. We (meaning *I*) pulled off creating the Christmas magic for my children and I wouldn't trade the bittersweet memories of watching my kids enjoy a family Christmas for the last time. Of course, I'm tearing up thinking about it. This year, I don't have that choice. My children don't get to spend Christmas with both of their parents and they are very sad about that, especially because our Christmases used to be AMAZING.

Get your ducks in a row and protect yourself legally, financially, and emotionally. If you can, involve supportive people in your Christmas plans as much as you can...that can help to keep the focus on the kids and making it great for them. The other family helped me a lot last Christmas when I was shocked and devastated. The situation pulled me outside of myself enough that I could focus on the kids and the fun for periods of time, which I am very grateful for.

The holidays make things worse because it's a time when people conjure visions of the "ideal" in their heads...and then compares their lives to that vision. I know that will be a trap for me this year.


me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4
current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp
.: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 2,466
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 2,466
Originally Posted By: gutwrenching
Surprisingly, anxiety only hits me when my gut is telling me is contacting OM.
You have a strong intuition and you are very attuned to her. Make sure that you direct that intuition towards YOURSELF too. Use your gut to figure out what you need, from day to day, hour to hour, moment to moment.

Originally Posted By: gutwrenching
But what I am is sad and in a state of disbelief. Three weeks ago, we were making plans 3 to 5 years in the future, as well as plans for 3 to 6 months in the future, as well as plans for just 1 day in the future. We were married. We were happy. We both admit that. and now this.
You are back in the "shattered" stage of coping with abandonment. It's a time to focus on the present and try to deal with the now, only the now.

Originally Posted By: gutwrenching
It makes me sad and upset that an addiction is what is probably going to kill this. After all this time and all this work, to get it all back, to then just lose it to an addiction she can't fight and can't decide for herself she needs help to overcome.
I have VERY mixed feelings about this line of thinking. Yes, there are aspects of addiction at work here. But at the same time your W is making CHOICES and has FREE WILL. Do not make the mistake of making this about the OM, or "addiction". This can't work if your W does not take serious action towards dealing with the mess that she's created. You cannot do it for her and you must hold her to a standard of behaviour as she does this. Make no mistake, she has the power and responsibility to fix this, and absolving her of that allows her to live in a fantasy of her actions having no consequences.

I know you know this, but I just want you to be careful about letting her off the hook because she is "addicted". She is driving in a car that wants to veer off to the left, but she is still holding the steering wheel, and her foot can still push on the gas...or the brakes.

hugs friend.


me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4
current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp
.: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
flowmom #2109194 11/26/10 08:36 AM
Joined: Aug 2009
Posts: 1,836
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Aug 2009
Posts: 1,836
GW,
I'm so sorry you are going through this again. Let me remind you that the thing that got her out of the fog last time was honestly being ready to leave, and forcing her to make the decision.

I think you should stop trying to figure out how to help her overcome her addiction. I'm in Alanon and you cannot fix or change an addiction. You aren't that powerful. It's not your fault she's chosing this and its not your job to help her out of it. People don't change that way. They have to face the consequences. And I remember that as long as you gave her an option, she kept things in limbo.

Seriously I have no idea when to do it. As a parent, who has spent her first holiday without her son today, I GET the holiday thing. So I don't think when is the question. But even though you may feel grief, shock, anxiety, all that stuff we all feel, put your mind at work. Your mind knows she doesn't act when given a choice. If you are there to "help" her, she won't help herself.

Let her be alone. Even for a temporary separation. Force her to go the other way, toward OM. It may not be the end of your marriage, because she will see for herself that OM is a loser who is using her. You CANNOT MAKE HER SEE THIS.

I know it goes against everything we feel, we want, and how we see love, but letting go IS THE ONLY WAY TO SAVE YOURSELF AGONY in the long run, and may save your M. You know the old pattern of limbo doesn't.

(())


Me: 42
Him: 43

Two divorcees in a relationship
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 918
G
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 918
Everyone is right, and oh I so appreciate all the thoughts....H4L, Flow, Newlife, Sandi, etc.

Yesterday was odd. We both tried to have a good holiday and for the most part it was. Obviously not ideal, but strangely not bad. There was some affection and I'm not even sure how I felt about that. I'm not sure how I felt about the whole day in general.

I'm becoming a little numb to all this. The big decision is when...obviously. Push now to move things along or wait till after Christmas. What is the right thing to do, what would God tell me to do if standing next to me, and what can I handle. Realistically, I know i can handle a lot, so I guess its more of what am I willing to handle.

Thanks again, everyone is giving me ton to think about.


M39 W41
Two children
WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09
Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10
No longer piecing...Nov 10
Separation Jan 11
EA ends again Feb 11
Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
flowmom #2109211 11/26/10 01:23 PM
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 918
G
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 918
Quote:
You have a strong intuition and you are very attuned to her. Make sure that you direct that intuition towards YOURSELF too. Use your gut to figure out what you need, from day to day, hour to hour, moment to moment/quote]

[quote]Do not make the mistake of making this about the OM, or "addiction". This can't work if your W does not take serious action towards dealing with the mess that she's created. You cannot do it for her and you must hold her to a standard of behaviour as she does this


I know...this isn't letting her off the hook, but trying to understand how a women I thought was so strong can continue to mess her life up. Heck she told me in talking to a friend the other day, she said "I'm trying to completely mess up my life again"...and it helps me forgive, which is not a bad thing


M39 W41
Two children
WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09
Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10
No longer piecing...Nov 10
Separation Jan 11
EA ends again Feb 11
Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 918
G
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 918
Quote:
I think you should stop trying to figure out how to help her overcome her addiction. I'm in Alanon and you cannot fix or change an addiction.

You are right and I have. I needed to try to understand...I do more so now...and that helps me, just knowing a little.
[quote]And I remember that as long as you gave her an option, she kept things in limbo. /quote]
Yes you are so right on this. So simply put, and so accurate.
[quote]Let her be alone. Even for a temporary separation. Force her to go the other way, toward OM. It may not be the end of your marriage, because she will see for herself that OM is a loser who is using her. You CANNOT MAKE HER SEE THIS./quote]
Just a matter of when...now or after christmas. I like you caps section...I needed that not so subtle reminder. Really did. Thank you


M39 W41
Two children
WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09
Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10
No longer piecing...Nov 10
Separation Jan 11
EA ends again Feb 11
Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 918
G
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 918
Let me just journal this, cause it still amazes me. A real WTF situation. At our t-day dinner, just the two of us and two kids...she suggests we do something that we have never done and said lets all say one thing we are thankful for. She starts and says family! I almost reached across the table and smacked her! There...got that one out me.


M39 W41
Two children
WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09
Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10
No longer piecing...Nov 10
Separation Jan 11
EA ends again Feb 11
Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
Joined: Aug 2009
Posts: 1,317
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Aug 2009
Posts: 1,317
Well done for keeping your hands to yourself hun! Echo the others its time to WA yourself, its the only way she is going to see sense, ok it might make a horrendous mess of Xmas but lets be honest her continuing what she is doing isnt going to make a nice Xmas anyway ())


____________________________

W 47
H 47
M 24
T 30

Once lost but now found and happily married again!
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 918
G
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 918
Well now she is cracking already...
OM ended it supposedly on MOnday saying he was tired of all this and now he realizes that she will never leave her H.

I still haven't heard enough to be convinced this is worth it and that we are at a point with enough to give it the effort required

She did say to me that you have all the control now...you have decide if you would even be willing to try again after this mess I created again


M39 W41
Two children
WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09
Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10
No longer piecing...Nov 10
Separation Jan 11
EA ends again Feb 11
Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
Page 15 of 31 1 2 13 14 15 16 17 30 31

Moderated by  Virginia 

Link Copied to Clipboard