Thanks Sandi. No, not a repeat. I will read that one over a few times also.
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
And I think I do get what you are saying about fantasy...hadn't heard it put like that...but I could certainly see my W getting caught up in the fantasy, despite the fact that it drove her to such low depths of self esteem and such high levels of guilt. Fantasy actually helps me deal with it and get my mind around it, wow. Thanks again!
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
You are welcome. I forget sometimes if I've already said all of the stuff about how a woman gets to fantazing. Not sure which comes first in every case,the fantasy or OM, but they are connected! When the fantasy is attached to a man.....then it is her dream world that she created that's hard to let go and turn around and face her reality and decide to live in it.
When I use terms like "dream world", I mean it was her escape from reality. She was buying into her dream and believing she could have a brand new beginning with another man and her troubles would disappear and automatic happiness would come.
That's why it is good that she is beginning to see some tarnish to show up in OM.
I have every confidence in you and that you will be able to overcome this dreadful time in your M. That fact that she is willing....well, that's a huge part of piecing.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hi GW, I am so incredibly happy for you. I do see some similarities in your situation as mine. I think my H was also depressed trying to juggle M and OW. He was extremely guilt ridden... still is but seems to be coming out of his depression with us separated and him filing for D. I think he is in the fantasy of finding his happiness.
Why I am really posting here though is to thank you so much for being willing to give back. I wondered why you had even bothered posting on my site since so many of the 'experts' haven't (I kind of assumed they feel I don't have much of a chance of being a success at this point). You have helped me significantly by your words of encouragement and I can't thank you enough. I don't know where I would be without this site.
Thank you so much. I am so happy for you that the two of you have decided to try piecing. You deserve it, you worked so hard. B
(Formerly blgp) Me-35 H-33 Married 4 yrs Together 9 yrs "Bomb" 8/1/10 Separated 8/6/10 D filed 10/21/10, on hold til 1/11
"If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him about your life plans."
GW, you're welcome. I am thrilled to see you in piecing
I was once in an open R (long distance with STBXH about a million years ago). I found it very stressful to juggle men...not my cup of tea at all. Having recently had two men giving me serious attention I know all too well how intoxicating that is. But it doesn't feel good to hurt people and not be honouring a relationship by giving oneself fully to it.
Marriage crisis, and even becoming a parent, shakes us to the core. It's a really good time for you to strengthen yourself as a man. I highly recommend this book: http://www.amazon.com/Way-Superior-Man-Spiritual-Challenges/dp/1889762105 The more you can tune into your masculine essence, the better you will feel about yourself and the more your W will be attracted to you. Seriously, the author articulates things in a way that most women wouldn't be able to.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Oh, and I would suggest that your W block OM's email address. Also you could both make up an excuse for defriending mutual friend on FB. That stuff is not helpful.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Just journaling a little I guess. I don't know. I know I can handle this. But it has been a rough few days. Piecing still going well, but been some rough stuff to deal with.
W had a down period of sorts, dealing with the past. She was feeling "self pity" over wasting the last year of her life and our life. She needed to talk, so I listened, but it was hard. Learned a ton more of the details of their R, their plans, their A, etc. Proved a lot of what DB and these boards profess...I could do a whole post on things that confirm what the vets preach here. Proved what a snake OM was. Trying to control my W and how she interacted with me, other "flings" he was having on the side, his lack of care/concern for our kids, etc, etc...I could go on and on. My wife said she wanted out of the mess and knew what she was doing was wrong, "but I couldn't stop."
Not sure if any of the piecers there have advice on how to deal with hearing all the details of a long EA
I guess the good news is no secrets and W is talking out loud about all his faults.
That was this weekend. I had gotten past this when OM emails W again. This is the second time. The first being about a month or so ago. This time was a "heads-up" becuase he ran into a friend of ours and they talked about my W and he was providing a heads up to W in case he mentioned something while I was around. The best part of the email was hearing how scared/nervous he was of what my W or I might have told this friend who is also a superior in OM's line of work. I could at least envision this POS, snake in the grass, OM almost pissing his pants!
And on the positive side, once again W immediately tells me about his email and reads it to me. This time he used FB messaging, I'm guessing because she ignored the email to an account they used to use and he stated in that email that he didn't know if she used it anymore.
So we are both still dealing with the pain. We both still committed. We are communicating much better and still working on getting even better. And OM continues to try to rope her back in (in my opinion, my W isn't so sure that is what he is trying to do).
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
not much to offer but still following along. You are much further then I am.
The pseudo-attempt from W to R has fizzled out. I'm moving towards D now.
Hang in there.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
How about exposing him at work? Would that also get your W in trouble? I'm sorry you had to listen to all the stuff that confirms what an addiction your W was in. But yes the ggod news is you two are talking openly. You are committed. This is huge. But still must be painful. Don't forget to take some time for yourself to process your feelings - journal, talk to a friend, etc. It's awful to find out how much you were lied to. I know. So allow yourself your feelings. You'll get through.
