You know, I found it helpful to remind myself I didn't need to always let people in on where my personal life was at, at any given moment. I think it's more important to take care of you... YOU... right now. If it brings you to tears, and that doesn't help you more than it hurts you, then do something different. It's your business.
f21
Me: 37 M: 14 yrs Separated 10/06; Filed for D 12/07 Life is good.
there may clues from your first marriage as to the problems you're experiencing now, what happened in your first marriage, what were the circumstances that brought the end of that marriage, why did you divorce, did you file for divorce or did your first husband?
Forever21 thanks for taking the time to help me. I understand I don't have to tell everyone everything. It's just sometimes they innocently ask how H is, or something like that. I will try to keep it light if I decide to answer the question.
Thank you also Robx. My first H left me for another woman. I acknowledge that there were obviously problems in my first marriage for H to decide to do that, but in the end he decided. This time around my current H has decided he doesn't want to work on the relationship. The problems we have are that we didn't communicate well enough. I thought in my first M we communicated pretty well. In my first M my XH did not give me any answers when I asked for them. I thought I had it worked out and worked on those parts of me but perhaps not hard enough, or perhaps I didn't have it worked out like I thought. I am reading one of Phil McGraw's books on Self to see if that helps me at all. I believe it will help me see what I want out of life and that can't be a bad thing.
Last edited by oncemore; 09/19/1011:09 PM.
Me: 40 H: 39 no kids together 8 years married 6 years bomb: 31 Aug 10
H was away for the weekend so put dogs in a kennel (I can't have them with me). He just sent me a text saying the dogs seem to have enjoyed it and the skittish one didn't even want to leave when he went to collect them. Do I send a simple "That's good" type reply, perhaps say I hope he had a good weekend too, or let it go unanswered?
Last edited by oncemore; 09/20/1012:14 AM.
Me: 40 H: 39 no kids together 8 years married 6 years bomb: 31 Aug 10
re: engaging in new GAL activities and meeting new people, depending on where you live, meetup.com might be a decent place for you to look. If you are associated with a religious organization, there are usually community social groups. Are you or were you previously athletically inclined? Could join a group dedicated to running, biking, triathlon, pickup-up sorts, etc.? Or group exercise classes at a gym?
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
I had raised the idea of a divorce a couple of years ago because we always seemed to be headed in slightly different directions.
I believe that deep down we both watned the same things out of life but saw different ways of getting there.
I'm not sure whether he never forgave me for suggesting a divorce or whether it's just because we didn't put in the work required when we saw the cracks appearing.
I do know we could have done tons more to fix the relationship then. I guess we made the stupid mistake of hoping it would all go away. When I asked could we not try to fix things properly this time he said he was sick of trying, but couldn't give me any examples of what efforts we had made. It's clear now that we surely didn't communicate well.
At the moment my goal is to get through this, whatever happens. If STBXH decides he would like to work on our marriage he knows how to contact me. In the meantime I've got a heap of work to do on myself. I need to take a good hard look at myself and work out why I didn't put in the work a couple of years ago. I need to work on being happy in myself so that if we were to attempt to reconcile I'd be in a better place to do so, and if I do end up on my own, then I need to be ok with that too.
You want your STBXH to contact you to let you know if he wants to work on the marriage?
I'm assuming you have brought up getting divorced several times to him in the past.
So he got your message eventually after being told several times that you thought it was a good idea to get a divorce. But now that he got your message you take back what you said and want to work on it?
Technically speaking, I would tell any LBS to do what your husband did. If a spouse wants out so badly, you let them go, you move in that direction full force and you give your determined WAS exactly what he or she wants. You wanted divorce (or said as much), after a while he got the message and agreed with you, he doesn't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with him. I hope others read this to see that letting go of a spouse who wants out of a marriage is really one of the quickest ways to get them back.
I'm not saying that your STBXH wants you back or is scheming to get you back but I want others reading this post to see that it actually does work instead of fighting against divorce, begging & pleading, chasing/pursuing, etc.
Oncemore, I will tell you this, go find your husband, tell him you were wrong for preaching divorce to him all those times you had problems, tell him that it's a bad habit you have of quitting and tell him that you want to work on the relationship if he will give you a chance. Tell him that you will arrange for MC and put in the required effort and stop showing up with such a crap defeatist attitude when it comes to problems with your relationship. Tell him you won't beg or plead with him to stay married but you would prefer to stay married and you want to show him that you think marriage is worth it even though for so long you have showed him otherwise. Be sincere but don't beg.
That's it.
You dug this hole, you now have to put the effort into climbing out of the hole, don't expect him to put any effort into this since you've spent so much time convincing him you wanted to be divorced. Admit you were wrong and tell him you sincerely want to work on the marriage again.
I'm quite shy too, and I wanted to rectify this trait. So, I tried Toastmasters. It helped. Even though I am still somewhat shy, I can now speak in public, and interact with strangers a lot better.
If people ask about H, just say, "Fine, as far as I know, we're separated," then change the subject.
I'm not sure about approaching H now as Robx suggested. You already did do so, and he gave you his answer. Perhaps, a little bit of space might be needed, then communicate in a general way. I don't know ... I think he may be using this time when you raised divorce as an excuse. I still think there may be an OW. If there is then it changes the dynamics of how to proceed.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
I think her husband got the message - she is just surprised that he went along with it after a while, she had been telling him that she wanted a divorce probably more than few times, the problems didn't get any better, the distance between them got bigger and bigger, her only answer to their issues is "we're not seeing eye to eye on any of our problems, maybe we should get divorced", a person hears that a few times, they either freak out and become clingy and scared that they're losing their spouse or they get turned off enough to agree and move on.
That's what he's done, and I'll say it again, I would tell any LBS to do the same with a spouse that starts mentioning wanting to get a divorce. It works far better than anything else.
She started this by offering divorce as a solution, she needs to offer something better and prove that it's what she really wants and stands behind it. I don't see this situation getting any better until then, she married a guy who is confident and strong enough to stand up for himself and who would let go of people who don't value him or the relationship they have with him. Most men would have an opposite reaction to their wife saying she wants a divorce and that's why you have men on these forums sitting/languishing for months/years hoping for their situations to improve. Apparently oncemore's husband values his time more than most men and wouldn't put up with that nonsense.
I am sorry you have found yourself in this situation, and back here, but it is a good place when faced with a D. I guess more info would help us to see where one can help. Sorry to suggest this, but is there no a OW? Men don't generally leave with such determination unless there is someone waiting for them, or at least, not as far as I have experienced on this site. Many have said 'no', only to find out differently. If that is the case, then at least you know what you are fighting.
If there is definitely no OW, then I guess the best thing is to give him his space. Actually, that would apply even if there is a OW. The list is pretty good, but impossible to take in all at once, so take small steps, one day at a time.
Anyway, it's late, but I just wanted you to have a response, and a welcome to the board.
I wouldn't just say "Men don't generally leave with such determination", I would say men or women don't generally leave with such determination unless there is someone else waiting.
The observation is sound, oncemore this is definitely something to look for but you don't give any impression that your husband is having an affair. Your husband just sounds like somebody who is fed up with lackluster effort and someone who is willing to quit and offer divorce as the solution to the problem. I doubt you only mentioned "divorce" once to him, he probably heard this several times from you.
f21