I sent an article via email and said that my feeling is a firm NO until we read articles, go to parenting classes, and speak with psychologists. I said this would show that he has S's best interest at heart and he is open to hearing other points of view.
This thing about him wanting to "talk about it" is so ridiculous because he simply wants to argue his point, not question if what he is doing is right or wrong.
Lawyer tomorrow. I'm getting scared, cold feet, crying a lot. It is so hard to let go and not be tempted to minimal contact and status quo and some illusion of harmony between H, S, and me, I fear I will make things worse by blowing this all up and enraging H and starting a costly fight.
But what else can I do? I can't have a reasonable discussion with an addict.
He "feels" he's right is the key point here.. He isn't doing research or thinking logically.. He's doing what pleases him.
You can't "feel" something being right. It can feel "good", but it can't feel "right"... sorry, but that's just BS
When he tries to argue just diffuse it :
You don't have any research to present to support yourself. You're just making this up and I won't waste my time on that nonsense.
You can argue all you want. Research from actual professionals says otherwise. And I am going to trust people who know what they're talking about.
When you have something concrete you let me know.
I don't have time to listen to you make stuff up.. I'm a busy woman.
You aren't right... You're just LOUD...
Being loud has nothing to do with being educated on this subject... A gorilla can yell... I want to understand that you have actually done a lot of research for your son... But clearly you haven't.
You can be loud with someone else... I am not going to expose our son to this nonsense.
Stuff like that.. Just DISMISS the argument rather than engage him.
When you argue with him you set boundaries too. Boundaries of fair debate etc... When he crosses a line there you call him on it and EXIT The argument immediately.
He will learn to argue fair or he knows you will just dismiss him and exit.
Each time he does it you call him on it again. Use the exact same words.
If he's just TALKING then cut him off there and tell him you will be happy to read anything he sends you but you aren't going to stand about and listen to him yell while he makes things up on the spot... etc
sadly, he beat me to it and accused me of a lot of those same things
I sent him a list of questions which he never responded to I also asked for the articles he was quoting that "support his decision" and he did not send them.
but next time I'll be armed!
Here's what he emailed me: "I *never* said I knew all the facts or that I know my decision is (absolutely) right. Feel free to show me where I said that, if I have forgotten. All I said was that I looked at the article you sent and others like it, and based on what they were saying, there was not a recommendation that ran counter to what I was doing. That doesn't prove anything, except that I have made a decision that complies with the opinions of the various writers.
Now, you are saying that despite that, you think I should completely alter my decision and behavior based on theoretical, potential danger.
Yes, I do "know all the problems [you] have with it" -- and it's very wide ranging and doesn't narrow down to specifics. I understand how you feel in general. If you have specific things to discuss -- for example, specific guidance on when things should happen (or not happen), or what context, or the kinds of events, or how to talk about it, etc. -- that will be good.
The reason it is "on you" to make the appointment (with a child psychologies) is because you are asking me, without *specific* argument or evidence, to do something that I don't want to do; that the article authors do not advise me to do; that my friends/family have not advised me to do; that my therapist has not advised me to do; and which I am not at all obligated to do."
So H sends me this huge email detailing why having OW around S5 would be such a great idea...as long as I don't make it a big deal.
I don't want an email trail of my responses, but I also don't want to talk to him. He's threatening to bring OW to S's birthday party next week - I said if so, I will split the party - he can have one with half of S's friends, I will have another.
The no paramour does not work now that he has seen this woman for a year - it only works up to six months.
I spoke with a lawyer yesterday. Our legal separation agreement says that S can stay at H's house 50% of the time but H has not insisted on this.
The only way to change the agreement is to file for D and fight for more custody!
I'm scared if I make waves, H will claim his legal right to take S to his place 50% of the time.
The L says that FAA regulations are that H cannot fly legally while taking anti-anxiety meds. H knows this and has gotten a prescription, off his medical record so that FAA wont find out. First thing L wants to do is let both the FAA and the law know that he is flying illegally. H is going to flip a lid at me. It will start WW3.
I'm scared. Really scared.
Scared to file for D. Scared of his rage. Scared of him taking S. Scared of OW being around (apparently I can't stop him and he is too defiant to care how I feel). I'm scared of how much money this costs (I'm an at home mom working odd jobs, few job skills).
Just had to let you all know. Any advice or support welcome.
YOu suggested I might tell him that if he brings OW near S again I will tell of his drug use. Now that I know for sure he is breaking the FAA regulations, should I personally threaten this - or just go straight to the L and have her alert the FAA?
It's actually important because apparently the meds affect people differently when they are in the air and I don't want S with H in the plane. That is the main concern with exposing the meds to the FAA - but is it possible to use this to also keep OW away?
If you threaten him in order to get him to back off of S with OW what can he do to cover up his illegal activity?
Do you have PROOF right NOW that he's been violating the law?
You have to remember that threatening someone ALSo gives them WARNING where they are vulnerable.
If your WH can clean that up before he gets caught then you have no leverage anymore ANd he will be vendictive aboutt his.
If you simply report him he as no warning and doens't have a chance to clean things up first.
That's the issue between threatening and simply reporting him outright... time to prepare
If you have PROOF that he can't deny NOW then he can't clean things up and you can threaten him all you like...
But if you don't have proof yet and he can clean up his act before atuhorities GET proof then I woudln't threaten...
YOu said your lawyer was attempting to do this and I am wondering what is the lawyer's objective?
Is he expecting to get you 100% custody by doing this or something?
It sounds like you dont' have much of a support network there.. You really need to get a hold of a social worker to talk about all of this and what your S is being exposed to as well...
You need more supoprt outside this forum... This does sound like social services should be involved here.. Your WH does NOT sound fit to parent a child at all right now and the SW may be able to make a case for you
The L's objective #1 is to keep S out of the plane for his safety.
The second objective is to build a case that H has poor judgement and should not have 50% custody. This in addition to my list of abusive statements and actions by H is the stuff of the case.
As for a SW - that is a good idea. How do I find one? My psychologist offered to call Child Protective Services but I am worried they will scrutinize both of us, and I don't know what H will try to paint me as.
As for proof? H has a prescription. It's just not on his mecical record. He gets the prescription from a local drug store, but does not tell his doctor or insurance. I suppose this can be subpoenaed. He could try to get a prescription on record but it doesn't matter - he cannot even be legally prescribed anti anxiety meds and legally fly a plane.