I'm back :( Not sure if I belong in MLC though

[ericmsant2]

Jennifer,

I may be a bit bias with this post and so If I am just realize that I am looking at this from the "male" or "bread winner" perspective.

First, YOU "go girl" for hanging out last night - lord knows you needed it.

As for the jewelery, the reality is that he feels like he is getting the short end of the stick. The jewelery represents an asset for YOU and he probably has no assets and if I recall no place to go. Here is where I may divert from traditional DBing tactics.

I think kindness is warranted here. Yes the bills have not gone away BUT the reality is that IF you do not reconcile EVERYONE's life will change. His, yours the kids, everyones.

In sitch's like yours...where the incoming income is enough to support ONE household (I think that is the case for you and FTR, it is the case with me as well) it comes down to...who will do what it "right".

As hard as it may be to look at your H and make him want to "pay" for his mistakes...you must ask yourself is this the person that Jennifer wants to be. I am not saying that you are being vindictive. I guess my point is try to look at how your H may view things. Yes, he is an as*hole and put himself in this position and YES you must protect yourself. BUT try and consider how he may be feeling. Compassion sweetie.

He said I was just thinking that you sold it all and yet you keep asking me for money for the checking account, acting like I'm some kind of money pit, like you always have.

This is how he feels - most bread winners will feel this way. You cannot take it personal. All you can do is try and understand his POV.

I'm so concerned he is going to make things really ugly for me.

Stop thinking like this. He may not. Has he withheld money before? Has he not provided for his kids in the past? Separate his actions from him the person and ask yourself (and not when your pissed) is he really that type of man?

Do what you need to do Jennifer to protect yourself...my short advice (after my ramble above)...just do what is right.

God Bless and Happy Halloween

Eric

[JenniferA]

I see what you are saying Eric. BUT, I am only coming from the perspective of: I don't know who this man is anymore, he cannot be trusted, desperate times call for desperate measures (is what I think he might be thinking) and I just NEVER know if he could get to the point where he would take my diamonds. I feel that I/we can't afford to take that risk. I wasn't doing it to be hurtful. I wasn't doing it to be spiteful. I wasn't trying to make him "pay" for any of his wrongdoings.

I'm genuinely concerned that I am dealing with a man who yes, might be capable of doing something like that. Look at it this way...I have NO way of knowing what he is doing with the business, he could be telling me all kinds of stuff, but I don't ever see the daily sales and records. He could be or could already have been socking money away into some account for all I know. Add to this, he's a gambler - he likes to bet... I guess also, I think about the fact that while we were separated the first time (5 years ago) I found out that he spent THOUSANDS of dollars on MOW and her children! All the while, screaming and yelling at me that we had NO money...and yelling at me "GET A JOB!" Also, before I got laid off in 2003, I, yes ME, was the bread winner! I had an excellent telecom engineering position and was bringing in the big bucks for the first 5 years of our relationship.

So, that's where I am coming from. All I did was take some of my diamond jewelry and put it somewhere safe.

I'm not upset at what you said, just wanted to explain where I was coming from. He doesn't deserve my trust at this point.

[ericmsant2]

Jennifer

I understand. I was just trying to give you another perspective.

Hope all is well with you.

God Bless,
Eric

[JenniferA]

Not much was happening which explains my lack of posting. Until this weekend...I had plans Saturday night, H came to the house to stay with the kids. I came in rather early at 12 a.m. H commented on the fact that he thought I would have been later than that. I went upstairs to go to bed and woke at about 2 or 3 a.m. to H walking around downstairs, going out the back door and coming back inside...I went downstairs to see what was up and he was crying, saying he doesn't belong here and was going to leave. I didn't really say anything and he called me about 5 mins after he left, crying, depressed about his life, doesn't know who he is. The call was about 20 mins long, I just listened. He texted me at 6 a.m. saying "I'm sorry for what I've done...you deserve better"

Then he texts me last night after the kids were already in bed, saying he is sorry that he was drunk (he was at someone's birthday party) and didn't call the kids" Then he texted me at 1 a.m. telling me "Long night...I'm safe...sorry"

I get into work today to find this email that he sent me around 2 a.m. last night:

"again I sit here late at night... having slept an hour over the past 60+ hours... I am exhausted physically beyond belief and mentally, well I am gone... I ask myself what is wrong with me... what did I do to deserve this... not what is going on with us but my whole life in general...I think about the past and I have nightmares, I think about the future and I am fckg scared...even worse I think about the present and realize I have nobody, I have nothing and I am out of strength... What has made me strong in the past now makes me very week. where there was hope lay open dreams that will remain unfulfilled...so many look to me for strength and guidance yet I have nothing to offer to myself...I feel the cold concrete beneath my feet and realize that is my bed... I look at those beautiful pictures of my children and am scared to think about what they think of me... I am 41 I have no family, no true friends to count on, a business that is failing,I'm in debt up to the top of my head,basically I have nothing and am a fckng loser, yet it is expected of me to provide for my children, run my business, answer questions from friends and colleagues, pay off the debt and somehow stay sane and strong... well it aint happening... All I have ever wanted was to be loved for who I am...I have come to the conclusion that that will never happen...the question is what do i do... and the answer well I dont know... I would like to say that someday I will see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it would end up being a train that would run me over...."

I don't even know what to say.

[TAMF]

Jennifer,

Good Lord that email breaks my heart. I keep remembering how terribly sad MLC is for them. I pray that he find peace Jennifer - some how, some way.

Stay strong.

[ericmsant2]

Jennifer

I don't even know what to say.

Neither do I...and that's saying something.

My only advice...

Love from a distance and pray that your H gets the help he needs.

I would also say (and maybe that is just me) to never loose hope that he can change and address his demons. I am not saying that you should stand for an eternity. No. Just that regardless of what you decide to do..always pray for your H. He needs it.

God Bless,
Eric

[JenniferA]

Thank TAMF and Eric.

Not much to update. More of the same. I'm doing okay though despite all the craziness. I am very accepting of who I am and where my life is right now and I am making the very best of it that I can.

H...strangely was reaching out to me via text late night all last week. I suppose looking for answers. I reiterated that I don't have his answers. That he has them and needs to find them within himself. Now he's back on the blaming me for everything rant.

I'm tired. But I know I am not to blame. Just tired of getting it beat into my head all of the time.

[ericmsant2]

Jennifer

I am very accepting of who I am and where my life is right now and I am making the very best of it that I can.

Good for YOU!

strangely was reaching out to me via text late night all last week.

Why answer?

Now he's back on the blaming me for everything rant.

And that affects you HOW?

Eric

[JenniferA]

Updating: I realize I haven't been on here for awhile. I've been feeling really at peace with myself and with my life as it is. Not sure where all this is coming from, but I am not complaining, that's for sure!

H actually asked to come home about 2 weeks ago. I said "no". For many reasons such as: Hhe asked to come back out of desperation, not because WITH ME is where he truly wants to be. Just the day before he asked to come home, he was trying to get me to talk about divorce logistics. It just didn't make any sense and I told him that he is "all over the place". And I said "why? because of kids? because of money?" and he said because of everything. He said he thinks it would be easier to just try to make things work. And I said "how would that work? You're not in love with me and I don't feel like I am in love with you anymore?" He said "one day at a time"...and I said "I can't do it, I'm tired, tired of looking over my shoulder, tired of wondering who he's talking to or texting with, tired of wondering who he's meeting up with when he goes out, just tired of it all" He got real nasty after that and started demanding I tell him what I want in the divorce. I told him that I refused to talk about anything via text and that we need to sit down and discuss things, emotions aside. That still has not happened. In fact, he stayed at the house to watch the kids while I went out that Friday night and after I got home, he came upstairs and said "I know you hate me and all, but do you want to have sex?" I said "WHHHHAAAATTTT?" He said "sorry, that was wrong" and went back downstairs crying.

So I am starting to realize I think, this peaceful feeling that I have, might be because I didn't realize how much stress I really was under and just how much everything he was doing behind my back was bothering me, when he was home.

[addie]

I'm glad you said no to his request to come home. It doesn't sound like he's in a healthy place at all. It would just be more of the same. You're at peace right now - that says a lot. You are a very strong person.