I got a hold of some of my W and the OM's emails and forwarded them off to folks. That was 2 months ago. She immediately went quiet, withdrawn, cold, thick wall built up.
I'm more than certain that she is still communicating with the OM. So over week-end, I gave her the Gucci/Dobson ("set them free" letter. As expected she was not too happy about me asking her to leave. She was angery for about 30 minutes, but I opened "the cage door" for her.
Now as Gucci/Dobson would say, the decision is in their hands if they want to leave or not. Instead of planning how to run away, now they are starting to think "do I really want to leave?"
I don't know what tomorrow may hold for my M, but I do know that she is free to do as she wishes. I will firm up on my boundaries setting to keep my sanity.
Bomb: 6/17 Me: H - W w/EA - M: 12y - 3 young kids Ex W to MIL, her bro, 2 of her gf, sister - 6/23 (2 more gf - 9/9) Ex OM, to S.Sergeant 8/10; to Inspector Gen. & his CO 8/16; Lt. Commander 9/16
So how does the "letting them go" approach differ from the simply being civil and not initiate contact or prolonging contact method?
When you simply go dark you prolong limbo. You still spend your time thinking about what the WAS is doing/thinking/feeling. You're just maintaining the status quo and therefore the WAS can also to continue to cake-eat. Why would they ever make a choice if they don't have to?
When you set them free, you also set yourself free. You make a decision to reclaim control over your own life. You move in a new direction, one that is solely what you think is best for yourself. Then your WAS will have to make a choice--you or the other life--because it is no longer possible to have both.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
I made this post a while back, but I think it covers a lot of this so I will post it here :
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The problem is LH when someone starts an affair there are three roads they can take :
A. Pursue both the affair and maintain the marriage at subsistence level B. End the marriage and pursue the affair 100% C. End the affair and pursue the marriage 100%
Option B and C are painful... in both cases they have to give up something and make a commitment to something fully
Option A allows them to hold onto both relationsihps. Option A is the least painful, the most hurtful, the most destructive, and unfortunately the most desirable
Why would any addict want to give up anything when they can juggle both?
In most cases they don't want to and wont. They may show anger, they may move out, but they will continue to send text messages, call, or show up to "get some things I left behind" ... It's all a ruse to maintain a subsistence marriage and "check in" to keep the marriage barely breathing...
Right now he's choosing A because to an addict it makes sense...
If you sit with an alcoholic and offer them
A. Purusue drinking each night, and keep your family support B. Break with your friends and family and pursue alchohol 100% C. Break alcohol use and enjoy your supporting family 100%
Why would any alcohoic in their right mind choose anything other than A?
They won't.
They will chose the path of least resistance each time.. and the path of least resistance to them is the one that causes them the least amount of stress - having to make a choice for one and end the other is stressful... very stressful
So they maintain both... THey will mantain the marriage and try to keep up contact with the affair partner at a subsistence level, or they will move in iwth the affair partner and keep sending the odd text message to the LBS to maintain the marriage, etc. They don't want to make a choice.. choices are undesirable compared to juggling both options... Having to make a commitment to B or C only is too final, too painful, too grown up.
The advice I usually reccomend on this forum is to FORCE the addict to choose B or C by taking yourself OUT of the affair. You confront him one time and set clear boundaries :
a. End all contact b. Full transparency of cell phone use and PC use c. Transfer somewhere else or change jobs if OP is in workplace d. Family therapy for both of you at least once a week e. Do all necessary readings on building and repairing marriages f. A no contact letter written and signed by both of you and sent to OW etc
You may add to it, but you hit him with those terms and he has FIVE MINUTES to decide.
If he wont' you choose for him by packing his things and showing him the door.
Once he's out the door
a. You don't call him b. You don't text him c. You don't email him d. You dont' visit him e. You don't write him a letter f. You don't leave notes on his car g. You don't post anythign on your facebook about him
You force him to choose B or C by taking A away as an option.
YOu can't force him to choose C my dear, but you CAN force make A not an option anymore by exiting yourself from his lifestyle until he chooses a healthier one for the two of you
That in a nutshell is my advice.
I DO reccomend you tell friends and family your position and ask them to press himt o return home and agree to return to FT, etc... But I strongly reccomend that you exit yourself from his life if he refuses the confrontation.. You don't give him a week to choose, you give him five minutes and you watch him the whole time.. he does NOT call her to chat or make up his mind.. he sits there and chooses no calls no talking to OW
It's a confrontation NOT a negotiation... You give him one choice, and he either takes it or he leaves
If he refuses to choose you tell him his choice is leaving... And you start packing his things FOR HIM
Don't ask him to do it and walk away.... YOU do it so he KNOWS you mean business ...
THe HARDER and FIRMER you ARE on this the more SERIOUS he will take you..
If you waffle and cry and backpeddal even an INCH he will exploit that a mile...
You hit him hard and firm and fast and send him to teh door if he won't commit there and then
And this is Penny Tupy's argument as to why keeping even minimal contact is a bad idea (she advocates zero contact .. what we can refer to here as "going midnight" lol)
Here's an except from Penny's book :
In my experience, continuing to have minimal contact is one of the riskier strategies. Unfortunately it is the one that, intuitively, seems to make the most sense. So let‘s take it apart a little and see if I can help you understand why this strategy has the power to be destructive to the goal of saving your marriage.
Minimal contact that is conflicted and adversarial does nothing to heal the relationship; it only serves to drive a bigger wedge between you and your partner. I think we‘d all agree that‘s pretty obvious. What may no t be so obvious is that minimal adversarial contact has possibly a more adverse affect on the betrayed mate than the one having the affair. Remember the Great Race that I mentioned earlier ? Adversarial and conflicted contact is very likely to accelerate the betrayed partner‘s readiness to throw in the towel.
Minimal contact that is calm and courteous, then, seems like the best possible solution. Instinctively and intuitively it‘s what you‘ ll be driven by your own attachment chemistry to maintain. Don‘t be fooled. Minimal courteous contact can be deadly. A few thing s happen which, combined, create a dangerous biochemical time bomb.
First, you send a loud and clear message to your spouse that the affair really isn‘t all that devastating to you. After all, if yo u can inter act pleasantly, then you must be doing just fine. You must be accepting the inevitable break up of your marriage. Even if you have said something to the contrary, your actions are where the real message lies.
Second, you derail the attachment chemistry we want to trigger in your spouse. When a relationship is threatened (even a relationship we claim to no longer want) the instinctive reaction is to find it suddenly more attractive. But in order for this to happen there must be a perceived threat to the status quo. When you remain in contact and you give the appearance of being calm and at peace, there is no perceived threat to the relationship.
Yes, I understand that your wayward partner says they don‘t want the marriage, or perhaps they say they need to make up their mind about it. Those kinds of statements are made within the context of having all the control over the destiny of the marriage. You‘ve already made it abundantly clear that you want to save the marriage and that yo u‘re willing to do what it takes to do so. But when you take back so me of your personal empowerment and remove yourself fro m a situation which you find unacceptable, your partner understands at a very basic bio logical level that he or she is no longer in total control of the outcome. This triggers the reaction of needing to hold on to the marriage more rather than less.
Think about being in junior high or high school. We all had friends, or maybe you yourself did this, who wanted to dump a boyfriend o r girlfriend first œ before getting dumped. It‘s the same so rt of reaction. We want to have the final say on the
relationship- it doesn‘t matter if we‘re fourteen or fifty- four. Everyone wants to be the dumper and not the dumpee!
Third, yo u short circuit the dynamic of forcing the affair partners to rely entirely upon each other. In almost ever y triangle the spouse plays a certain role and the affair partner plays another. The straying mate has two people vying for his or her attention and doing all they can to entice him o r her to choose. Removing yourself fro m that dynamic now puts the burden entirely o n the shoulder s of the affair partner. Almost always he or she comes up short, but your spouse won‘t find that out until you step away entirely.
And finally, staying in minimal contact keeps you from fully detaching and healing. It keeps you stuck in that p lace of hurting and obsessing. When the affair ends, and your spouse is ready to talk about reconciliation, you will need every ounce o f strength and calm you can muster. This isn‘t possible when you are caught in the chaos of the betraying spouse‘s affair drama.
If you are worried about giving the impression that you‘ve moved on with your life and are willing to accept the new relationship, minimal courteous contact is the worst thing yo u can do. Even if you made verbal or written statements to the contrary, your actions will speak volumes drowning out your words entirely. Minimal courteous contact says loud and clear, —I‘m fine now that you‘ve left, and I really don‘t find it all that distressing. In fact, I‘m quite happy to accept your new life and your new partner.“
So how does the "letting them go" approach differ from the simply being civil and not initiate contact or prolonging contact method?
When you simply go dark you prolong limbo. You still spend your time thinking about what the WAS is doing/thinking/feeling. You're just maintaining the status quo and therefore the WAS can also to continue to cake-eat. Why would they ever make a choice if they don't have to?
When you set them free, you also set yourself free. You make a decision to reclaim control over your own life. You move in a new direction, one that is solely what you think is best for yourself. Then your WAS will have to make a choice--you or the other life--because it is no longer possible to have both.
Oh, R2C!!!! We have a QUOTE to sticky for yooouuuuu.....
