I am new to the board, have been married 27 yrs. Have dealt with SSM for most of the 27 yrs. There has not been any time I can recall when the sex and intimacy was even adequate. Before marriage we were much more active. I am a professional, we have no financial worries. 2 children, one 2nd yr college and one senior in HS. Have read the first chapter about one year ago, it was enlightening for me, the feelings in the first chapter expressed by the HD mirrors mine. The first 3 years of marriage was more like dating in that my professional schooling and her finishing nursing degree did not leave us much time with each other. It was not until after 3 years that we actually lived as a married couple where we spent time day to day and had most weekends together. I wonder if some important bond did not form. Over the years amount has not varied much, usually once a month on average. Have had long periods wo any, up to 9 month. Usually when I have backed of in seeking intimacy and let her set the pace. There was a brief flurry of activity when she wanted to get pregant. Most of the time just accept it and put energies into work and hobbies. I do help around the house and cook more the half the time(is a hobby). Only light drinking and no drugs.
At times I wonder why did she marry me if she has no desires for me. Have had a few minor confrontations about this, last was in Oct when she discovered I had been on this site. Called me, that night and was upset. Pleaded to give her 2nd chance before doing anything(she must have been thinking I was going to D her). Nothing has changed, with about to become emptynesters sometimes not sure if want to stay in this type of marriage. Not sure if she would be up for couseling. After being rejected or having understanding that we may be intimate at certain time, which does not happen(usually she goes to sleep or avoids going to bed at same time) I give up trying to intiate any thing. She says she wants more shows of affection not leading to intimacy and it might make her in the mood. Have tried that many times for many lengths of time wo any results.
Not sure where to go with this, is the phone couseling worth it if only one of the couple is involved? Affair is out of question, could not get past marriage vow I took. Wonder is this the worse they talk about in the vow? Have not bought the book, will it help if only one person reads it? Sometimes D seems answer, but would not want to hurt kids even if they are out of house. Not even sure would look for anyone else, could end up in same type of marriage. I know this community may not have answers, but helps to atleast express frustration. I am lucky have not had to face the trauma of a affair that some posters have had(at least not that I know of), also we do not have the mental health issues some spouses have to deal with.
Have you had an honest conversation about how this lack of sex makes you feel? I ask because if your wife is low drive then she probably doesn't think much about it at all. Kind of like how I think about beets. . .
Ask her to read the Sex Starved Marriage book. I think Michelle addresses the issue in a frank and caring manor. If you make it perfectly clear that the lack of sex affects you and the marriage, and if your wife does care about your emotional health, she will probably find a way to meet this need of yours.
I think you are doing each other a disservice dancing around this issue.
Oh your wife married you for lots of reasons, and she may even love you deeply. But she probably didn't marry you for sex. And even if she doesn't have a high desire she might enjoy knowing that she is giving something to you that you need to feel loved and happy.
I'm a man . . . But I can change . . . If I have to . . . I guess . . .
I think what many of us stumbled upon for most of these websites like this, is that obviously to get to this point we lost the raw lust and passion, but many of these marriages never had enough love in them to begin with.
To get to the point where you don't consider your partners needs, and you aren't giving them the gift of your time and attention it requires a lack of consideration.
Most of our problems are usually simple in nature. For the men and women, its always easier to explain it if you put the shoe on the other foot.
+1 on talking to your wife and telling her how you feel. You might tell her that in looking out at the future and becoming an empty nester, (and then two retirees at some point) you are afraid. You look out and see that soon you and your wife will have more time for each other and that each of you will become a more important source for each other's happieness as work and children disapear. Tell her that you want to work on your marriage and one aspect of your relationship that you feel really needs to be worked on that would help you bond more closely with her is the sex life the two of you share.
Seriously, read the book SSM, then read lots of different books once you figure out what the "issues" are in your relationship. Then I would suggest getting professional help. Depending on what the issues are either a marriage counselor or a sex therapist. Because of what you have posted, I would suggest starting with a board certified sex therapist. It will be a lot less expensive than a divorce attorney.
What may surprise you is that some of your actions may have contributed to the distance between you and your wife. I know that surprised me, but know I understand that for every action there is a reaction. Sometimes things that my wife did, triggered responses in me that helped build distance between us. We were able to break down those barriers, but it took time and effort. Sometimes innocent things I did were misinterpreted by my wife and built distance. After things get fixed, the light dawns and the reason for the distance become more understandable.
Good luck to you and your wife.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
Thanks for the thoughts. I will follow your suggestions. Esox we did have a honest talk about the issue. Was not face to face, on cell phone when she called. Told her how important this was to me and our marriage. She said she would work on it, likely more sucess with the book. I think the big thing for me was having the first chapter describe exactly how I was feeling. It was kind of a relief to see that. I am lucky though, reading some of the other posts with the complications of affairs or money troubles or drugs that could add additional stess, I have not experienced that. I will certainly follow your advice, thx.
