IWS, you remind me of my ex-h (divorced finalized June 2010), you can read my early threads about the sitch. Your story is similar to mine. This is my advice and I'm not saying that it's the path everyone should take, but it might help you to see the situation from your wife's perspective.
My ex-h had an affair, felt terrible, confessed, and wanted to reconcile. I went about 2 months thinking that maybe we could restore the marriage, but at the end of the day, infidelity was a dealbreaker and I'm the one who filed.
Some things that you might ask yourself are:
1. Why do you want to be married to someone you don't respect? And please don't try to say that you do respect her but made a bad decision. You systematically and deliberately engaged in actions with a co-worked that you kept secret from your wife.
You didn't walk into a starbucks and accidently got pushed together and your tongue accidentally ended up in her mouth. Why did you continue the behavior that you knew you were wrong? What did you gain from it. You don't have to post it here, but be honest. What part of the affair pleased you the most? The attention, the secrecy, or having your cake and eating it too?
The more honest you are, the more likely you might be able to save you marriage.
2. Why do you think your W would want to be back with you? Beyond the emotional hardship of having an affair, you literally put you and your kids lives in mortal danger. You might have picked up a STD and passed it on, you don't know that the woman you had an affair with didn't have a jealous ex lover or husband that would have killed the two of you. You have no regard for your family's safety. Why did you do that?
3. Did you and your wife discuss dealbreakers before the affair? What was the guidelines. My ex and I - from the beginning of dating and througout the marriage - talked about cheating being a dealbreaker. He's still upset that I divorced him, but honestly, I don't understand why. He knew clear and plainly that infidelity was a hard line in the sand. He chose to cross that line, but doesn't seem to want to take responsibility that he caused the divorce.
Now, let me be clear. Nobody has an affair if they are in a healthy marriage. And yes, people grow apart. But there is ABSOLUTELY no reason to cheat. You could have left your wife before you had an affair or you could have asked to have an open marriage. Since you did neither, you took all of the power in the relationship and now feel arrogant enough that you can restore that balance of power by convincing her to come back.
This reconcilliation is all about you and nothing about you as a couple. Look at your original post. More than half of it is about the details of the affair. It's what you relish.
Now how much of that is about your wife's pain. Barely anything. The affair was all about you and you wanting to get back together is still all about you.
4. If your wife should want to reconcile, would you be willing to go a year without having sex so it's clear that you are not infected with a disease that you could transfer onto her (it usually takes 12-18 months of blood tests to confirm you don't have an STD.)
5. What qualities do you have that your wife would want to be a part of?
I know these sound like harsh questions, but it's important ones. I'm not here to debate that you feel bad. Maybe you and maybe you don't. You've already established yourself as a liar by saying your kissing buddy were just professionals, so we know you are both capable and self-absorbed enough to do whatever it takes for you to get the needs you think you deserve. But being honest is usually the first step. Individual counseling, obviously, should be your first step.
In my case, once I realized I could not be married to someone I didn't trust, there was literally nothing my ex could do to get me back into the marriage. The negotiations were over and to me, it was a matter of paperwork. I went to a lot of personal counseling to help with the situation. It takes two people to get divorced, and I know i have a lot of shortcomings and i'm working on improving those for anyone in the future I may date. But even if I was the worst wife in the world, it still didn't excuse the cheating.
When my ex asked what could he do to change my mind and wanted forgiveness, I explained it like this: forgiveness does not mean reconciliation. I'm still going through the grieving of my marriage, and I do want what's best for my ex bc we have beautiful kids together. I really do hope he has a great life and finds someone he can be honest with. But it wasn't me. It's not terrible. Just true.
However, I do know people who have had affairs and have been able to reconcile and work on their marriage. There's a lot of good advice in this thread. But I wanted to offer my experience to show you how many different paths your situation might take. Best of luck.
Thx. I'm still getting wisdom from the wound...it hasn't been easy, but it's been the right choice.
Also, to the OP. You said that you had a marriage that had a low sex frequency and you just made out with the woman you cheated with. Of course, I don't know your situation personally, but I think you are lying.
A middle aged man who doesn't feel sexually fulfilled suddenly has a woman who is willing to have sex with him...and he walks away? I have a hard time believing it.
Now, I understand if you are making your situation vague in case your wife or someone you know might find this thread, so you are presently a limited view of what happened.
But I promise what will help you is to write out - "I had an affair."
Or "I slept with (her name)."
It's a really hard thing to do. Another good thing is to physically write out "I cheated on my wife."
Make it real.
One of the major breakthrough in my divorce was admitting
'[Husband's name (say John, not his real name] cheated on me."
Others
John lied to my face. John denied having sex with another woman. John had sex with another woman. John cheated on me. John cheated on our children. John is not in love with me.
It was one of the most important things...kind of like Harry Potter. Instead of making the affair He Who Must Not Be Named and giving it power by not mentioning it by name, saying Voldemort made it real to tackle. (my kids and nieces and nephews love Harry Potter)
So writing
I cheated on {your wife)...it will be a big step forward.
You don't have to post it online. You can write it on the back of a grocery receipt. But write it down. Make it real.
I really like your post knittedscarf, it brings up many relevant and salient points even if the path you have chosen to take may be different from many on here.
IWS - I hope I'm not coming across negative, but really, are you serious?
The number 1 thing the betrayed spouse would look for, the starting point towards even thinking about reconciliation, is remorse, and I frankly don't see an iota of that in your posts.
Knitted is right, this is still all about you and what you want.
Sure, you're sorry, but from here it sounds like you're sorry you got caught. Sure, you would like your M to heal, but it sounds like it's just inconvenient if it doesn't. Sure, you would like your W to stay, but only if she would make the effort to stay, and God forbid you might actually have to put in some work.
Don't just "do what you can" to try to save your M if you're sincere. Afterall, if your W doesn't feel she can forgive you right now, your stance would be for her to do more than "what she can" right?
"My thought is with her mind so set, I should just leave it alone."
If you project an attitude like that after what happened, your W would be ill-advised to take you seriously. I think LRT, DBing, and GAL etc all have their own utility value and they DO work. But they do NOT work indiscriminately. Sometimes, I do believe you need to really put yourself out, and make full efforts to re-connect with the spouse. The only time when this backfires for sure is when the spouse is too deep in the WAS fog.
Nobody here should take potshots at you or shoot you down, but you have to realise that remorse is really critical. We're all human, but I think even God expects repentance before you can receive mercy and forgiveness.
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
I agree with what Deep is saying that OP (and other cheaters like myself) should be prepared to do extra work. But, I want to again caution OP based on OP's original message, you have to be careful and really listen to your spouse I think. If you apologize and express remorse insistently and aggressively, it will still come across to the spouse as it is all about YOU and YOUR FEELINGS and YOUR NEED to be forgiven and YOUR WANT to have her back. And what can be less attractive and selfish than someone who hurt you and violated you whining at your doorstep, ME ME ME ME ME, I'M SORRY, LOVE ME ME ME ME ME.
I agree that it's imperative in some way for you to communicate to your spouse that you are so sorry you hurt her, betrayed her, humiliated her, and violated her trust. And that she did not deserve it. No one does. But you have to listen to them and, if at all possible, let them set the conditions or open the windows in which you communicate your remorse. If you do it too aggressively, it is still all about you and not about HER feelings.
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
No letters, you need to read the thread letting them go, do it lovingly but any of the stuff you want to do will not work. Notes, heart to heart conversations will not work with someone who states they are done. I have tried it, most of us have, and I dont think i have read one sitch where any of that worked.
Be her friend when she needs one.But dont force it. You guys have kids together?
Amen to that!
~Mark
Me: 38 W: 34 Together: 9yrs 1st M: may '03 1st D: april '08 1st bomb: june '08 remarried: oct '08 2nd bomb: aug '09 --(W asked for D one week into 3 mo. trial separation which was meant to save our M)
Wow, lots of differing views! After reading them all I think I've just got to let things be and let time sort things out a little more. I now see and agree that my prior "apologies" were actually nothing more than veiled defenses and excuses. I am ready to own up and take responsinbility for my actions. I know what I did was wrong and I am ashamed of myself and suffering deeply for it. But I do not believe my wife is ready to hear it or even wants to hear it (and perhaps may never be ready or ever want to hear it). I think I have to agree with bustorama and other similar posts that any type of owning up/apology will simply be viewed as whining/desperation and about me, me, me. I have to let her go. The only other question I have then is, is it possible to let go and move on but still hold on to hope and keep an eye out for that open window? Seems to me if you are still holding on to hope you are not truly trying to move on. Me 46 W 43 Married 15.5 years Together 16 years Son 15 Son 9 Dam broke November '09 Seperated December '09 W filed February '10
Please get individual counseling to work out your issues because the statement above shows that any advice given here is not getting through to you.
You don't HAVE to let her go. You HAVE to decide on whether you are willing to make the changes to restore your marriage or if you don't want to make the changes and let your marriage dissolve.
In either case, you are taking action for one or the other. But with what you've written above, it's clear you don't have the tools or desire even go down either path.
You are acting like it's a done deal, and there's nothing you can do.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOUR WIFE IS LEAVING YOU.
YOU - the cheater - are acting you are the VICTIM and it's her fault.
You have been very blount in your critisism. That's OK, I expected to receive critisism. But I also came here looking for help and advice. You have been my most vocal critic (and I respect that) but haven't offered any concrete advice. I ask you point blank, please, if I am to save my marriage what do you reccomend? Do I go to my wife and bare all in person? If yes, how do I do it? Do I ask her to lunch? Do I spill my guts in a letter? Are you telling me there is never a wrong time? The right time is now?
