Was asked to make a new thread so here it is! I guess I can add a link to the old thread.
Basically, not much new for me anyway. Got D moved off to college this past weekend. So excited for her but man is it weird! H did not go with us as I previously stated. He's now decided he is going to go up this coming weekend. SO... at least he is going to do that much for her. Would've been nice to go up as a family since the boys went along, but oh well.
H was decent when we got back last night but didn't have a lot to say. We did text some over the weekend. Mostly about football since we are all big sports fans. It was conversational - friendly - so I guess that's good.
I guess I am coming to a realization that we are settling into this pattern and I don't particularly like it! Getting along fine, but no real progress in the R but no real negativity either. H and I need to have the discussion about his commitment level this week since we did not last week. Now that D is off to college, I'm ready to address the real work that needs to be done. I'm pretty sure H will want to keep it status quo: doing minimum work on the M while me not forcing him out either. Although, I do know the kids will help keep him accountable for his actions.
It just really sucks not feeling loved by your own spouse. That's not the life I want for myself! Last night I wanted a husband whose shoulder I could cry on saying goodbye to my D and just really miss having someone there for me. If H can't be that, then I'm starting to realize I would rather have someone who can be!
It just really sucks not feeling loved by your own spouse. That's not the life I want for myself! Last night I wanted a husband whose shoulder I could cry on saying goodbye to my D and just really miss having someone there for me. If H can't be that, then I'm starting to realize I would rather have someone who can be!
I hear you and feel the same, SunnyD. I am tired of being lonely. Tired of not having that support. That's the hard part - still loving someone, knowing they don't feel the same about you and there is nothing possible you can do about it. Knowing that it just may be the only way you will find love again is to let go. Our 16th anniversary is coming up in a couple of weeks...it makes me so sad, becuase I truly believe that this will be the last one for us.
What I do know, if YOU deserve MORE. You deserve BETTER. You deserve to be happy and fufilled. That is the big question - when do you give up and move on?
Me:36 H:38 Together: 20 years Married: 16 years Kids: 13 & 10 yr. old Discovered affair: 1/10 H denies affair. Refuses to save marraige. Divorce filed: December 2010
You're so right Marie! I'm not exactly sure when we give up and move on. Well, I know we have to move on with our own lives, but I don't know when we say enough's enough. If you're like me, if it weren't for the kids it would be a lot easier to do that. However, we are the mature ones - thinking of what's best for our kids and not just ourselves. Sad we have to suffer!
I'm also feeling the "Sh*t or get off the pot" vibe these days. It all seems so black and white to me: get rid of her, learn from this, and move on with our lives. He's usually not this dense...or stubborn. Argh!
I know, SR. In your case you need H to get rid of OW in order to work on the M. In my case, I'm pretty sure we've gotten rid of any extracurriculars (unless he's gone WAY underground) but he still needs to make a commitment that he wants to remain married and is committed to making it work and willing to do the necessary things to make the R good again. It's not happening. Well, I can't completely say that: he's willing to do the bare bottom necessities so that I don't force him out of the house, but he is still totally going on his feelings which are riddled in MLC. He is such a logical man in every other area of his life but just does not get that with his marriage it has to be that way too. He's waiting for "more feelings" to take action yet without the actions (of improving R) those feelings are not going to come!
In any case, I'm going to have to force the Sh*t or get off the pot with him, I know it. Been waiting to get D moved to college to have another big discussion. Now that's done, I just want the timing to be right. I'm not afraid to do it, but I know it will be another emotional night for me so I'm not looking forward to it.
You said he's an engineer Sunny.. I am wondering if writing out a marriage maintenance/repair plan in the language of Engineering a marriage and project management might help
I don't know the details of his work environment, but I am an Engineer too, and looking at a marriage as an engineered product that needs support and maintenance helped me loads...
Hmmm... that might be a good plan, Allen. The other suggestions you've had have been right on target: Putting things in writing, letting him read the expert's opinio (vs mine) and the worksheets. He can't argue with a piece of paper like he can argue with me.
The only thing - big picture wise - is when it comes to relationships (and especially the M) he is not the analytical, engineer guy at all: it's all based on what he's feeling at the moment. Even when we first got married that was so, it's not just recently. I should've known it when he wanted to run off and get married after only knowing each other a few months! When it comes to most things, he's Mr. Logic. When it comes to feelings, he has NO logic. I've tried and tried to get through to him that at times you need to act your way into being in a mature relationship. The workshop drilled that point home too but he just doesn't seem to get it (because he doesn't FEEL it.)
SO: I'm not sure if he will totally appreciate the repair plan but it still shows iniative on my part if I do it!
He doesn't manage a team at work right now since he is doing independent contracting but has in the past.
Well, workplaces have relationships in them too. And engineers should be up on negotiation and managing a team.. that's part of the job...
If you put it like this :
How successful an engineer do you think you are when one of your team members has an important off site business activity to attend and you don't show up? Particularly when they ASK YOU to support them by going?
Do you think that motivates your team mate to succeed or win you any respect?
It does NOT.. and you did that to your own DAUGHTER.
My first guess is he hasn't taken the time to cultivate the skills to manage his family and possibly his co workers either...
He's probably been faking it up until now and getting away with it... most engineers do...
There ARE skills to work with people that you can cultivate, and a mountain of Don'ts that engineers DO all the time... He lilkey has'tn tapped into any of that.
WHen I iwas growng up I wouldn't listen or participate in anything unless it made logical sense to me... I needed the family stuff explained to be logically or i wasn't going to opt for it...
YOur H likley saw three people seeing your daughter off already so he figured it wasn't necessary for everyone to be tehre... a good engineer is very economical with time... They won't send five men to do something if four is enough...
I would need to know more about his work to offer more detailed examples... But I think you get the idea...
He does a lot of negotiating in his job, actually, even though he doesn't manage a team right now. Good point.
With D, he didn't go with us but he is now going up after work Friday and going to do a few things for her at her new place and is then coming home Sat. night. SO...I think it did get to him and at least now he's making an attempt to amend that. I'm happy about that, for D's sake. (And his too, actually. He doesn't need to alienate his kids because he's an emotional teenager at the moment.)
OH - and I remembered after my last post that we WERE given a plan of action for repairing the marriage after the weekend seminar! They gave us a CD with steps to take, etc... I just didn't even bother with it except for the first part because these are steps to take when BOTH of you are committed to working on the R. If you recall, he was not after the weekend retreat. However, when pushed to leave he would no go either. SO: we have to have the talk now: "OK, H: are you now willing to be committed to working on the M or do you want to move out?" I just want to be careful of timing on it. That discussion was put on ice because of D's move to college last week but it needs to happen. He will be in and out of town next week(for work) and to D's this weekend. I need to contemplate when best to push that discussion. I'm sure he's quite comfortable with status quo at the moment. Maybe that's not such a bad thing since no boundaries are being crossed and we're getting along fine...but I just don't want to allow fence-sitting too long!
