Relocated the family and he dropped the bomb

[Dagny-2]

MM, How are you doing? Thinking of you.

Dagny

[MM78]

I'm posting with a minimal update, but mostly to ask advice on what to do next.

Recap: 10 or so days ago I read an email from her to him that said 'i love you' and I responded to both of them (he had given me the password). The following day I drove back to hometown with the kids not realizing my grandmom passed away overnight. My last communication with him was a text to inform him of this and after a brief exchange I wrote 'bye' so he didn't contact me again.

I did take the kids to visit his family twice while I've been here. His mom texted him pictures of them playing at his childhood home. He hasn't responded to her either other than a brief phone call to say he hates himself, his life, and his job.

I have also noticed in the last few days that the texting pattern has changed and she is sending 3 messages for every one that he sends. Something seems to be happening but I don't know what.

Back here, I've been applying for jobs, checking out rentals, going shopping, and keeping busy with friends. Got lots of complements on my new hairstyle and how 'put together' I'm looking lately.

So we have had ZERO contact. My question is that my family is going on a vacation next week. Should I drive home and just show up one night, get what we'd like to take, and then have the chance of having him ask questions. Or do I email him and say I will be home for one night and ask him to get a hotel. Or finally, skip what we don't have, pay a few bills a week late (because they are at the house) and head straight to the vacation. By the time we get back it will be just over 3 weeks since we have seen or heard from him last.

I'm going on with life assuming I'm moving back to my hometown and being a single mom - but not signing any leases or anything official. But it would be great if he wanted to work on things, you know?

[Dagny-2]

MM, I know, this is the hardest thing you have or hopefully, will ever go through. I vote for going straight to vacation. He is NOT being himself right now, he is someone else. He is an alien that is not able to see the implications of his actions, logic won't work on him and he has absolutely no faith/belief in the future. But that will change, but it is a process that only he can work through. You going on with your life and putting no burdens on him will accelerate this process. You will be fine, I believe that with all my heart, but you also need to be strong and not think of him and what he needs (stopping by for one night), but what you need. You can do it, and deep down, you know it, it is just sometime hard to find that faith, so come here and we will tell you.

Dagny

[steady]

MM, what do you want to do for just yourself and your daughters?

Leave him, her, the sitch out of it. What would you do if you were single and he was not at the house?

Leave the possibility of any reaction/effect of your actions out of it - ie: If I drove home he'll ask me questions and I'll be very brief and this will cause him to become curious and maybe even jealous... you have to take him out of the equation.

What do YOU want to do? That's the only way you'll know you are making the right decision. It's the only non-variable in the whole mix - what YOU want to do.

Adding anything into it adds variables you have no control over which then creates a situation where you're trying to analyze all these possible effects and consequences and second guessing yourself.

When you decide for your desire and wants then you can be assured you did the right thing at the time you made the decision.

Edit: Read Dagny's post after I submitted this one. We're both saying the same thing. Serendipity baby.

[pinhead]

MM,

I would stop paying attention to the texting between them. It's just hurting yourself. You know they're involved, just let go.

[MM78]

I found out yesterday they did sleep together in August when he went back to our hometown. Today I found out that the day my grandmom died and I drove back to our hometown, OW drove down here and they got a hotel nearby.

I think it's over. My plan is to drive back next week and secure an apartment for us. I'll have to contact some lawyers to make sure I do what I have to given we are moving back across state lines so he doesn't claim abandonment or any of that crap.

[Piano]

Sorry MM78, that news must hurt. Sometimes finding out this stuff helps us muster the courage to move on and drop the rope. Lawyering up is a good idea. Know your rights. (((MM78)))

[BeingMe]

Sorry to hear this, MM, but I think you knew instinctively that something was happening, and it just got confirmed. Definitely, know your rights. Make sure you are protected legally, and financially.

Take care.

[Dagny-2]

MM,

I'm so sorry, it is one thing to suspect it and another to have it confirmed, it is such a huge blow to the gut. Remember that this is about him, not you. Are you seeing a C? It is helping me, along with reading everything I can to help me through this. The sooner you get yourself established in the new area, the better for future divorce proceedings, I have learned that. I'm going against my L advice staying here, but it is more for my kids than H at this point. And keep posting, this really does help you get through it.

Dagny

[steady]

MM I know the finding out sucks. Like Dagny said it's one thing to know without and confirmation and the actual confirmation. I just found out my W has an OM but I've been going at this for 2 and a half years so it wasn't much of a hit to me.

Definitely get a L and protect yourself. Keep any information you have, and if you aren't already, keep a journal of everything. All interactions, phone calls, what you did, etc... I started taping all my interactions with my W and some things the kids told my W has said and done and believe me it all counts. You never know what you'll need down the road.

Get copies of any bills with the hotel payment, write down what was said, date, time if he told you himself, etc... Even if you think you don't need something get a record of it.