I am at that point where I don't want to do the DBing and 180 for WAH anymore. H very specifically said it's over today.We discussed all financial aspects, my moving, L, etc.
We will be getting a Legal Sep (H said just a sep implies we will work on M, he said that isn't going to happen), so I can stay on H's med. insurance.
Today is a very emotional day for me. I am finally realizing M is over.Before, while doing DB/180, I still had HOPE.
Do the DBing and 180s for yourself from here on out. You'll find that you'll be better, and it's actually easier to do when it's really something you want for yourself, not as some penance.
Susan - I have been following your thread. I'm very sad and sorry for you. I know (being divorced myself) there isn't much anyone can say or do to help you feel any better. I just wanted to tell you to make sure you lean on family and friends right now. When I was going through it, my friends eventually were tired of hearing me talk about it...however, they stood by me and listened anyway, because I just kept leaning on them. Finally, eventually, things get better (it can take a long time, though). But until then, I also advise you to have a good counselor at your disposal if you can manage it. As you already know, your H isn't going to let you lean on him. He appears to be 100% unemotional about this and isn't willing to help you through the emotions. So you need professional help and family/friends. I think you said you have a couple more coaching sessions, which is great. But please do explore more help after that.
There is such a thing as a "divorce coach". It sounds so odd, but these professionals are specifically trained in the emotions that come up during the divorce process. If you have access to one (your L may be able to point you in the right direction) they can be invaluable. They help you process the emotions during the hardest time of your life, while you are expected to be unemotional in front of lawyers and splitting up your life. They understand how this takes a toll on a person. Many other types of counselors can help too, but divorce coaches have this as their specialty. If you can swing it, I'd say get both.
I used to work for a very kind and wise collaborative divorce attorney. She always recommended divorce coaches to her clients, and those who took her up on that advice always came through the process much easier. Those who didn't had a lot harder time of recovering from the whole process.
As LeeSC said, it ain't over til its over and there may still be some kind of change in your situation, so I don't mean to imply you are definitely getting divorced. But at the same time, you need to prepare as if you are...I hope you already have an attorney and some counseling in line.
I haven't told any of my friends of my current situation. Only my oldest brother knows.
The phone coaching through DB is helpful.I have my second session on Monday the 9th. I will take a different approach to coaching now that I have "dropped the rope".
It's crazy-H just asked me if I want to go to dinner tonight. WTF???? I digress, sorry..lol...
This is my second M, I went through a D before. I was the WAW in that marriage. I tried for 18 years to save it. I married young. So, having been D before I do know the process, but this time will be much harder.
I like the idea of a divorce coach, I will look into that, thanks.
I had been doing very well before this last Wednesday. H and I have meetings Wed/Sat to discuss the path we are on. I am always emotional (not in front of H) on these days. Today was the hardest meeting so far. It is hard for me to see H so unemotional, but this is his style, always has been. It's partly why our M went down in flames.I am emotional, H is not.
Thanks... I will continue the DB and 180 as a goal to better myself. I am a worthwhile project!
You're right- I did feel doing the DB and 180 was some sort of penance, that I was being "punished" for the mistakes I made in the M. So, changing the focus to myself will be beneficial in the long run. No matter what!
I really appreciate all the advice and support. These forums are a lifeline.
Susan, glad to see that you're not letting the pain/shock of your husband's actions affect you so much. That right there is detaching! And I bet that you'll actually find DB'ing to become easier (and more effective) now that you've lost your "gullibility."
Well, I did some back sliding today. I didn't sleep at all last night, cried all night.H didn't know I was crying but he did know I tossed and turned all night. The last two days I have been feeling extremely weepy and sad.
H and I talked about things this morning, ( I did cry, could not stop the tears), not the R so much, but about how people get into these M messes.We talked about couples we know who seem to have happy marriages.We discussed the Alpha dog issue. H asked if I was telling my parents today about our R.I said no.H said it's hard to tell family as they ask questions and make judgements.
I am struggling, just cannot wrap my head around what is happening. I did very well at the beginning, but that was when I had hope things may change.I still have some hope, but it's fading fast.
