As you can see from my thread, for the most part I have been doing really well.
Anyone who has followed my sitch would know I struggled with anxiety at different points. I have been largely anxiety free now for several months. Today it was back full force.
Well, it's pretty clear why.
H is not doing well and his life is falling apart. Some of that will affect me... particularly re: finances and kids.
And as detached as I finally have become... it is still hard to not be affected by this.
I have said in previous posts that I don't feel anything for him. In terms of the love I used to feel, that is true. But I am not a cold hearted b***h. I am a very compassionate, giving person... and I don't like to see anyone suffer.
Yes he "made his own bed". But it's still hard.
Anyway, I need to get my focus back on what I CAN control... me, my choices, the direction my life is going.
A friend who came to my party on Saturday told me how she noticed how calm and relaxed I was at the party. She also has walked with me through most of my sitch.
She said, "Rocked, I will never forget when you were laying on my couch completely traumatized and barely able to function... and now look at you!"
Rocked ... that you was a you of the past. It won't ever happen again that way, simply because.
Detached is good - detached however, doesn't mean being detached from reality. And there's good reasons to be affected by practical concerns of H's going to pieces. Take care of business first and tell him you expect the same from him. Leave the M / feelings / future to later. Make it blindingly clear to him that he is not to mess up the kids and finances more than he has already done.
It's not about getting even, being a b****h, helping him etc. It's him getting to a place where it makes sense for the 2 of you to be together, and happy being so. If you ever get together again, it's because it's healthy for you first, and then also healthy for BOTH of you.
If you think he deserves this much, make it clear to him what you need to see to even think about it, and help him understand that. The rest is up to him.
And by the way, the last time I was at a women-dominated bash ( a long time ago I admit) I seem to remember the tips were pretty good. :P
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
Rocked, I remember how often you talked me through the anxiety...you have it in you, you know how to conquer this. So do it.
I sense guilt from you TBH. A little bit of guilt about how strong you have become and how weak your H now is to you in your eyes. That is probably natural, and it is against your nature to not fix things, so you are having an internal struggle. But the strong Rocked we all know will prevail on the internal struggle.
No one can tell you what you should do on this one...heck I'm not sure you would listen! But I agree with the others...take your time. There is no rush. You are so far beyond tactics and what should you do...this is just about you living life until you are ready to make a decision. Leave him in limbo land, so what, he has done nothing to deserve any more.
Today will be a good day for you...I sense it.
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
A friend who came to my party on Saturday told me how she noticed how calm and relaxed I was at the party. She also has walked with me through most of my sitch.
She said, "Rocked, I will never forget when you were laying on my couch completely traumatized and barely able to function... and now look at you!"
I can't go back to that. Not. ever.
You are healing I think that's great. See how far you have come? It's amazing how you can think back to how absolutely destroyed you were and now you are happy and smiling and carefree--so much so that even your friends notice. It's awesome!
Good to hear about the good bits, (()) for the bad bits.. H is like your kids now, you might always love them (in a family way not a H way) but you might not like what they do or how they behave, even more so if their behaviour affects your life!
Listening to my S I am some times horrified what comes out of his mouth, I never taught him that life has, I love him but dont like what he does see? But despite all of this we still feel some responsibility for how they behave,
Just keep focusing on what you can do some thing about and what you can change, distance yourself from his behaviour and look after yourself hun..
Well heres to many more parties! Cheers x
____________________________
W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
I'm glad to see that your RL party went well. When's the virtual party?
If Mr.Rocked is serious about wanting back in and you decide that you will try again, he will do what it takes and give you the space and time to let him back in. Simple. You know that you can make it without him , so you will not be operating from a place of fear and desperation.
WAS can't walk away or run from themselves and the truth forever, as much as they'd like to. That's why they keep their lives in a state of constant busyness. So that they don't have time to slow down and think and confront their emotions head-on. That may not be an entirely fair statement, though. I think they do deal with pain at some point - the pain of having unmet needs in a M is what leads many of them to an affair or to walk away. Having felt that pain, they then needed to take subsequent steps in dealing with that pain within the M instead of outside.
Rocked, continue to be your absolutely fabulous self. And I will certainly continue to be mine. Yes, modesty may not appear to be my strong suit but a woman's gotta know her self-worth. I will never settle for less than what I deserve from a man and I know you won't either!!! I think we are ready for world domination, sweetie!!!
I'm back from vacation and ready for the virtual housewarming party! Although I picked up a nasty cold in London so will refrain from offering hugs so I don't spread any viruses.
I know it's confusing and difficult when your WAS comes around after you've walked away. It rocks your emotional boat just when you thought you finally were sailing into smooth waters.
You're absolutely right to not settle for his half-assed attempt to get back together. He needs to work on himself and prove through his actions that he is ready, willing and able to do the necessary hard work. And he's starting out in a hole that he dug with his previous actions. You don't owe him anything at this point so take as much time to decide as you need. He should be doing the work without any guarantee from you anyway.
I'm crawling back into bed to rest up for the party.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
I am always amazed at the support and insights you all give me.
Deep, thanks for your thoughts... you have always helped me look at things from a slightly different angle, and always made me think. The distinction between being detached from H but not reality is so important.
GW... I helped you with anxiety b/c... as you know... I know all too much about it. You really made me think about whether I am feeling guilt that I am doing well when he is not. I didn't realize it but I think you are right my friend. Thanks for pointing that out because now I can make a choice to release it. I have nothing to feel guilty about.
Ladies... you are the best! Thanks for all the encouragement and sharin' the love!
OK... now the important stuff: my virtual housewarming party! I was waiting for Pearl and now that she has once again graced us with her lovely presence, we are ready to PARTAY!
I don't have my plans for the weekend firmed up yet so I will get back to ya on that.... standby!
(p.s. Deep... if you were getting tips like that, there must be a good reason... so you are most definitely invited! )
[/quote]A friend who came to my party on Saturday told me how she noticed how calm and relaxed I was at the party. She also has walked with me through most of my sitch.
She said, "Rocked, I will never forget when you were laying on my couch completely traumatized and barely able to function... and now look at you!"[quote]
This ^^^, Rocked.
Yeah. I got much the same comment at my Transition Marking Event--my friend pointed out how many people were there for me, happy to be there, even though I had spent the past year weeping drunkenly to them at all occasions.
The gift of friends is a true blessing--here's to you and all your friends, here and in RL!
Steady as she goes...don't let H "rock" you--you are Ruling, now, and let him catch up if he can.
If not, I know from your FB that you are beautiful, funny, smart, wonderful--and some lucky guy is going to reap the benefit of all the hard work you have been doing.
But I agree with the others...take your time. There is no rush. You are so far beyond tactics and what should you do...this is just about you living life until you are ready to make a decision. Leave him in limbo land, so what, he has done nothing to deserve any more.
I think that's great. See how far you have come? It's amazing how you can think back to how absolutely destroyed you were and now you are happy and smiling and carefree--so much so that even your friends notice. It's awesome! 
)