i've been doing some work on myself. i am taking care of myself, i exercise, GAL-ed.
i don't know how to look at my sitch and get insight. my jekyll and hyde phase was short lived. i had contemplated filing myself but was told to hold off. my l recently sent a response to my h regarding his financials. the contents of the response will require him to confront his fears. i know that this will prompt him to file - if he already hasn't.
my intel says no OW. but my mind tends to think the worst.
i guess the advice i am looking for is .. if my h didn't leave me for his parents. then what did he leave me for? without knowing what i did, it's hard for me to do a 180. if i was too independent, then being strong now .. is that a bad thing?
there's a lot of great advice for the guys who are the lbs but not much for the ladies who are lbs.
i have no kids. and we don't have any daily interaction. am i really fooling myself into thinking this can be saved?
the division of stuff has really torn us apart. the d-bomb itself didn't hurt as much as splitting our stuff. mostly because it seemed like my h valued the things in the house more than me (a human being). the separation agreement continues to drive a wedge between us. even though i haven't asked for anything - not even spousal support. he went into the legal battle ready for a huge fight - he thought i was going to be this vindictive b*tch. i just stood by and watched him throw a temper tantrum like a child. i let him make his own rules, no matter how ridiculous. if he feels better afterwards, then great. i know if it was me, winning stuff wasn't going to make me feel better. the show isn't over yet. but it hurts to watch someone fight so hard for stuff that isn't worth fighting over. why does he hate me so much?
i am asking you, pdt because you've been on the boards for a while. you've seen it all. i'm not calling my sitch unique. i just can't connect the dots and find advice that i can apply.
To give you a fair and thorough answer, I'd have to go back and read your entire sitch. To be honest, I'm not sure I have that kind of time. If I remember, though, you've had some real vets on your threads -- Coach, Greek, Sandi and others -- what has been the consensus of what they've told you you should do?
"Left me for his parents" -- that would be a new one on me!
work on myself. i have a 30 day plan to focus on myself. GAL, go dark, if i can't avoid it, stand up straight and smile. greek suggests that if i don't want to hunker down in fear wondering whether today is the day i get served, then go file. i think she also told me that if my h isn't going to cut the apron strings then i am better off without him. forrest suggests that i let him file.
the vets have been really good at getting me to open up about my contribution to the breakdown. trying to fix my mind reading, catastrophsizing (sp?), and stop doing what doesn't work. i've even discussed why the gold digger comment is such a sore spot for me. i've discussed why intimacy was an issue for me.
discussing these things are great. but how does that help me now?
i can't show him that i'm working on my intimacy issues. i can't give away the farm in the separation agreement to show i'm not what he thinks i am.
how does one do the work to fix these issues without being a doormat or promiscuous?
i feel that my thinking of the worst makes me feel pessimistic.
i don't understand how one week turned me into enemy #1. i feel like i'm wasting my time working on me. i could GAL until the cows come home, i could look like a supermodel, i would be sweet as pie .. and nothing would change.
i guess i feel stuck. my 30 day plan is almost up.
i know we've talked at length about dropping the rope. i'll tell you why i am hesitant about dropping the rope in my sitch.
my h has rarely made a decision on his own. and it bugs the heck out of me. if there is anything that is unattractive about a man, it's indecisiveness. it shows lack of self-confidence.
my h called me up while i was out of town to say he was having agents to come over to look at the house and prep it for selling. it was likely a dig at me but ok. i said you find an agent, i'll go find an agent .. we interview both and go from there. after we interview our agents, i asked him 'ok, so which agent should we go with?' he says "it's up to you. it doesn't matter to me."
when we were selling our home, two offers for the same amount came in. we had to decide which one to take. my h looks at me and says "which one do you think we should go with?" he pushed to sell the house. and now when an offer comes in and we have to decide, he pushes that decision on to me? i said, i know what i think but i want to know what you think. he says it doesn't matter whatever you want. whatever i want?! i didn't even want to sell the house.
we played squash together recently and he voiced his displeasure about one of the guys in our foursome. so i said, do you want to play with me or against me? and again, he looks away/looks to the ground and says "it doesn't matter, it's up to you".
can you make a friggin' decision? it's not life or death. it's like he avoids making decisions so he can blame others.
so if i drop the rope, he'll say we d-ed because dumped let go and dumped made me do it.
is my analysis really off? text is pretty bad - i'm really calm right now.
it depends. i feel confident about myself. i'm too busy focusing on me that i don't really put too much thought into whether it is working or not.
when i chose things to do for GAL, i picked: - squash. it got my adrenaline going. exercise was key to lifting my spirits. my goal was to become a better player. i want someone to say "she's a good player". - baking. i love to cook but baking was something i shied away from. my h would often make me feel stupid when we baked anything. and i was always the helper. so i took a baking class and i learned how to decorate cakes. the instructor said i have good skills. - when i'm not playing squash, i find different ways to work my muscles. i did a stairs workout last week, this week, i hit the gym. - i am registering for a leadership course in the fall. it's 11 weeks long. this would be for professional development.
as you can see, these things are for me. they aren't for anybody else. and i don't think about whether my h sees me doing these things or not.
i understand that db-ing is about saving yourself. but i'm more of doing things for myself in case the d goes through. i have to look after me. so anything to make me a better/interesting person, or anything that will increase my income, is what i chose to do for my GAL.
is that a bad approach to GAL?
my GAL activities have had some positive side effects. i've become a very popular girl. at squash, i have made a lot of new male friends. majority of the time, i play with the guys. the guys do drills with me. so it's been interesting. and yes, h is a member of the same club. at work, i share my baking with my co-workers so i'm popular that way too.
so even though all these things have done wonders for my confidence. it won't lessen the sting when the papers are served.
has any of this improved my communication or interaction with my h? not really. we're physically separated so there is no interaction, no texting, no calling, no emailing, no IM (i don't log on to my IMs anymore). we both stopped wearing our rings.
when i started at the squash club, my h would pack up and leave as soon as i arrived. now he doesn't. he doesn't avoid playing with me. he doesn't avoid talking to me. some of my friends don't understand why i would talk to him. he's been ruthless in the settlement so far. it is very strange. it's like why would you continue to talk to someone who treats you like crap? to be honest, i don't know how i should act. initially, i ignored him. and that didn't working out so well. it made my friends feel awkward - they knew us when were still m. so i decided to just keep things casual. i don't want to make people uncomfortable around us. nobody wants to get dragged into our business. and this isn't high school.
he didn't attend squash all of last week. which was odd of him. he had put on weight and if i know him, he's obsessed with keeping in shape. i'd come home from squash and he'd be at home.
when i freaked out about the mini-bomb this week, i realize why he avoided squash. my l launched a grenade in his direction - he's being asked to confront his fears. i have called one of his accounts into question. and requested for documentation. he is going to have to jump through hoops to get documentation. so he's furious that i've called him on it. he was hoping i wouldn't but my l picked it up in his financial statement.
my guess is that he thinks i'm being vindictive, petty, whatever about it. not letting him have his way, etc. so he's mad at me for it.
it feels like when you've made small steps towards civility, you get one blow and you're not at square one but beyond square one. i think that's my frustration.
why would you think dropping the rope would work in my sitch? esp if i know that he's indecisive and tends to deflect the blame on to me.
you and gucci don't believe he left me for his parents. but all he does now is call his parents, take vacations with his parents, flies home to see his parents. he calls them every day. anything that he is unsure of, he calls them. it got worse and worse as the months went on.
did he leave me for them? i don't know what else to believe - hence me asking why you or gucci disagree. i'm not looking for a debate. i'm just looking for another perspective.
when gucci just say i have my view, you have yours. it doesn't help me in any way.
I think dropping the rope might work because it appears to be the one thing you haven't truly tried yet.
And because it's almost always effective.
Humans, after you strip away all of our mumbo-jumbo and fancy phrases, utilize a very primitive push-pull relationship dynamic. I'm willing to bet anything that your husband still feels your "pull."
He may or may not respond if you drop the rope; there are no guarantees. But it will NOT work, if you DON'T.
Humans, after you strip away all of our mumbo-jumbo and fancy phrases, utilize a very primitive push-pull relationship dynamic. I'm willing to bet anything that your husband still feels your "pull."
i've described the "work" that i've been doing. would you change any of it? if he still feels the pull, where in my "work" is that coming from so i can tweak things?
in my head, none of my activities involve him so i feel like i've dropped the rope and i may not see where the 'pull' is coming from.
i think the ongoing separation agreement is what's hurting me. i have no control over that - it's being handled by l and i never talk about that.
