21 years of marriage hanging by a thread

[Chuck66]

I've been using two online support sites. I would appreciate any help/advice with my crumbling life. My twin 6 year olds' world is about to be shattered forever.

1st Site
2nd Site

The story is the same but the advice for the folks on both sites differ. Their stance I think is a little more hard core than this site would be but the damage we've done to each other seems insurmountable and I am very tired.

Chuck

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Their stance I think is a little more hard core than this site would be . . .

He's obviously never met Allen, Sanci, Gucci and Robx, LOL.

Puppy

[robx]

I tried skimming through some of it,
honestly, people aren't going to waste their time going through dozens of dozens of pages through a bunch of other sites just to give you their opinion on your situation.

Give us a recap, I'm sure you can give us brief summaries of what started and how it currently is now.

If she's having an affair and wants a divorce, in my opinion just say you agree and let her go.

[Chuck66]

Recap:

M 21 years. Just retired from Air Force. I have a Masters she has a Bachelors degree. My retirement pay will about equal her paying job now. Moved into home we've been building for a year. DS had some behaviour issues (hitting teachers) got expelled from day care and suspended from Kindergarten. W and I were at a loss. Lack of affection in R by W so I became more clingy...started a catch-22. Sex 3x per month like clockwork. W never initiates and if I bring it up get answers like "I guess we can do it tonight."

W looses weight. Then her parents/I worry about too much weight. She is 5'8" and weighs 105lbs and I find diet pills. I become controlling and setting out food for her to take to work. She ignores it. I place a snack or two in her car. My controlling gets bad enough were I place real coke in a diet coke bottle because I think she is refusing to eat. She has had the same meals for weeks. No breakfast. A bag of chips for lunch and nachos and a beer or wine cooler for supper alone and away from the family.

She finally detaches from kids so much that I get them up, dressed, showers, meals, bedtimes and she no longer reads to them like she had been doing everynight since they were 2.
She detaches from me and works 60 hours work week and must go in at nights. Her boss says he doenst make her go in. She statts working one weekend day too. Buys new clothes, wears them takes them back. Does this all over town. 35 times in June alone. Half of those visits to clothes stores are returning what she has bought. So she is not running up debt but she is using the stores as her personal closet. Tanning. High heels. Takes 2 hour lunches but stays at work until 8pm. I think OM. Ask around her work. There is a rumour. I go up there to confront OM rumour and run into his GF. Since then found out W was looking for apartments and I get the "its not you it's me" speech and "I don't need anyone right now". I eventually talk to possible OM and he says no way and he has bad prostate blah blah. So I still don't know if there is an OM. He gave her guitar lessons and my all she played was Bob Dylan songs for a month. This guy loves Dylan and his son is named Dylan. She would spend 60 hours at work per week then still get home and play guitar for an hour or two. Family never saw her.

I say can we give each other quid pro quo to de-escalate. I will not go up to you work uninvited. She says that would be nice and I'll think about the olive branch I give you. The next day she says I am giving you your olive branch and you want out so I think I will make you happy and we should do mediation divorce quickly and inexpensively as possible.

I split up the joint accounts and left $5k in her checking and placed $5k in my new checking. She chides calls it an allowance and all the big accts/investments are in my name only so they are protected. She said at mediation I will try hard so you get to keep the house. I have been carrying around blueprints for this house for 12 years and its finally built so she knows the home is very important.

She also takes a few to many headache pills with alcohol and I call poison control who tells me to take her to the ER. They give her fluids for 3 hours to get the drug levels low enough and then send her home with her pills and say be more careful. She asks later if that was a setup to get custody. She was slurring her words and I was worried. It was not a setup.

Her parents want me to relay a message to her at our first MC. They said they moved here to watch our family grow and they do not like the changes they have seen in their daughter and the way she treats the kids (W threw away DD picture in trash and when DD said she worked so hard on that why mommy,,,mommy said oh well) and that her parents are putting their house up for sale because they are sick of seeing it. W in first counselling points at me as says I have have it. I am done. You can have the house all the money I am through. She has since recanted all that and said "You getting all that is not going to happen".

So we both lawyer up. She wants me to help with the account numbers and tally of our assets with her today.

MC said he can't counsel us unless we do IC first. We both agree and they loose all of our appointments in the system. We make new ones. Things get worse between us past two weeks waiting. They cancel her first IC saying she never filled out required paperwork 5 days in advance. W says will we be D before her next schedule IC in Aug.

In the meantime she has patched things up with her parents who thin she is the greatest. She has toned down the clothes. And has become mom of the year with the kids. Playing board games for an hour where for a month she didn't even kiss them goodnight.


Last night I left the house at 8:30 and she kept screaming at me "who is she?" I went to Walmart and came home in an hour and
she says I know what you're trying to do and its not going to work. Well I just need an hour outside of this house so I don't know what she is talking about.

Neither side has filed D paperwork yet... but getting close.

Since I confronted possible OM and his GF. W has not taken another 2 hour lunch, no more clothes stores purchase, and plays guitar but no more Bob Dylan songs. Thank god! We still live under same roof and sleep in same bed. I'm not wearing my ring and she is.


That's the recap.

Chuck

[Chuck66]

I think you are right about wading through those other blogs. Is there any way to delete the first 3 posts and just have my RECAP as the start of this thread?

Chuck

[sandi2]

Chuck, your W sounds like she is taking Amphetamine. That will certainly drop the weight and keep a person from eating. Does she have trouble sleeping? If she is taking other prescriptions or drinking....it could be fatal.

The other things sound pretty much like she's in an EA. Just b/c OM denied it....and has a GF....doesn't mean your W isn't head over hills for him. If there is a rumor, then obviously others have noticed "something" in their behavior.

Have you decided if you are done with the M?

[Chuck66]

I know she is taking prescription Fioricet. Sheriff just came by and took her for a Polygraph. I'm not kidding! $9k is missing from her work. They asked if she ever had trouble with prescription meds and I told the about the ER visit. They said she told her boss she was going through a divorce and I cut her $ off and asked him if she could work more hours but at the convenience store too (she's in charge of all the corporate finances and now wants to work the register?)too. Then went downstairs to the C-store and bought everyone hamburgers. They thought that was odd since most never see her eat and she just said she needed money and now was buying. She told me she didn't do it and didn't need a lawyer and was supposed to take the Poly at 9:30 pm. And I split a $10k account in half with her. I told the Sheriff she has NO bills. Her car is paid for. I pay her insurance. Other than gas and clothes she has no bills and $5K. I said she spends about $200-300 per month total. She is quite frugal. Even with all the clothes buying she takes them all back.

She has also been playing the most depressing song over (When the Heartache Ends by Rob Thomas) over and over every night. Kind of like "The Shinning". She was playing that song tonight when the Sheriff and Deputy came to the door. Tonight included. I think she is in deep depression. I am worried about her. I'm Mr. Mom again tonight.

The rumor was he was teaching her more than guitar lessons.
The other one was a manager couldn't find OM for a couple of hours one night and she saw him coming out of my W's office. That's it. That's all I got to go by. That and she hugged him in April at the Bar wear he works 40 feet down the hall from her but she didn't know his GF was 10 feet away! Possible OM and GF had a big fight about it! If I had been in a bar and hugged a girl and my W walked in she would not have been pleased.

She drank half a bottle of wine last night. And had a bottle of beer tonight.

Don't know about the OM. I thought when the WS buys new bras etc it was when the EA was going to PA. Don't know about the M. She wouldn't do the missing $9k.

Bad question to ask if I'm done with the M. Depends on what hour of the day you catch me on. I don't want to be with someone who "is not sure I want to be with you." I want her to love me. Even in the best years there was never jump your bones kind of excitement. She's 5'8" and 105 lbs and is tough to cuddle. She's all elbows and knees. You can't make someone love you and I will always love her.

Chuck

[bluestar]

Chuck, it sure sounds like your W has something pretty self detructive going on right now. I would probably be searching the house for anything inappropriate(the cash, pills, etc) and if you find anything, call a lawyer at the minimum or just call the police. They may be coming to search later depending on the poly results anyway. I think a call to your L first thing in the am is imperitive to protect yourself and your kids. You don't want to get caught up in anything she's illegally done.

[Chuck66]

I've been all over this house looking for OM info. It's clean. It's 11:52 and she is still up there. She called to tell me someone is setting her up and it'a at a convenient time. I said you better knot be thinking that I had nothing to do with this!

Another web site asked if she was hooked on amphetamines. She went to the ER for taking too many Fioricet and drank a beer but that is a barbituate. Still not sure why she needed the extra $. $5K is nothing to sneeze at when gas is your only expense. The divorce is making her act out of character so I'm sure that doesn't help with an investigation.

I tried to call her L but even if I had a home phone number wouldn't they just say, I'm her divorce attorney not her criminal lawyer? Pills are in her purse and at her work. Can't call the police, that's where she is at.

I also sent my trigger happy L two emails. One telling him about her Poly and the other stating DO NOT file D application without my approval first. He may just say he doesn't want me as a client since I wont listen to his advice.

I had to put down a $5k retainer for my L and W had to pay $2k retainer for her L. $7k would have bought a lot of IC/MC.

Chuck

[Chuck66]

Update: She said she failed the poly and didnt take the F**king money and doesn't want to come home right now. She says without the job now she has nothing! She wants to call her mom and dad too.