And I can understand the former spouse's frustration in the time it's taking me to get his name off the mortgage. After all it keeps him from creating a different home for his new life which is not my intention.
And as the numbness and inability to process leaves, reviewing the divorce decree showed a discrepancy of $20,000 which should have been awarded to me. I sited paragraph and verse to my lawyer. I'll see where it goes.
It's like pulling the bootlaces and heaving myself up.
I'm tired. In this period of emotional chaos I've gradually recovered from a significant head injury, had my spouse of 25 years leave abruptly moving in secretly with his secret mistress, watched the guy I loved leave his children with the rest of his past life, my dad died, continued dealing with the nightmares of childhood, the legal fees depleted all our savings, stocks and bonds which still did not cover the remaining lawyer's bill, my dog of 14 years died in my arms in the middle of the night, I was inundated with stuff and clutter and the house (my portion of the settlement) has not sold as I decrease the price in the steadily declining market.
And I was intimidated by that man I intended to be with for better or worse.. ugh.. what an ugly divorce that was.
I've assaulted myself with guilt for the loss of the marriage, the shame of mistakes made in the past, the inability to support the children with higher education, the injustice it's done to them, the underlying damage the shredding of a family does to them, the fear of being at an age when women become invisible. Financial insecurity rattles my bones, I can't afford anything more than the expenses I have. And I was diagnosed just two weeks ago with diabetes which brought its own sense of shame, embarrassment, fear, wake up call to live a life as healthy as possible for me.. and to be there for my kids.
Geez.
And yet, I believe in marriage; in the foundation on which it is built. I just believed that once you get the sh*t out in the open anything can be fixed. I don't know if it was something that should have ended earlier or if it could have lasted. The net/net was it broke. It wasn't fixed. It ended.
Now on the upside I've found I'm pretty special.. and a bit different then others. I'm trusted to do things that others aren't, I have a gift for giving, sharing my energy in positive ways, my daughter's friends run up to give me huge hugs.. their nickname for me is Mama Gypsy.
I've learned to listen my little voice and bullshit meter. If something seems wrong I stop it, if it makes me feel queasy inside it's over. I speak up rather than fume. "What the hell." has replaced "No way." Just making a decision is better than worrying about making the absolute perfect all based covered decision. I pay attention to wake up calls and get my stuff in order. And I want a clean and uncluttered home.
It's not either/or.. it's what works best (within appropriate boundaries), it's not worrying about perfection.. just trying my best.
It's becoming a better person, healthier rather than stagnating in fear and paralyzing inaction.
With divorce I take the good with the bad. The bad is the loss of family, trust, its effects on my kids, the financial and emotional devastation. The good is finding I don't live my life on eggshells, in fear, living an existence of always being at fault, wrong.
The good is that whatever happens now, it's mine to own. Yes, I'm pissed that the ex dumped our children based on the desires of his new love. And that's not the guy I thought I knew. But my interactions with my kids are different now.. I listen more, and squawk and try to control less. And the younger two are doing great, the oldest moved out the house and never calls or returns calls.
It's all part of living. It's all part of waking up. It's all part of taking responsibility for who I am now.. and in the future.
Now if I could only learn to be less verbose.
*hugs*
AND... family, friends are the truest gifts.. along with angels who occasionally brush by in my life.
"With divorce I take the good with the bad. The bad is the loss of family, trust, its effects on my kids, the financial and emotional devastation. The good is finding I don't live my life on eggshells, in fear, living an existence of always being at fault, wrong. "
I think you were living in my marriage??? Except it was my ex who had the head injury.
kml... I chuckled when I read your phrase.."He had to gnaw his arm off to get out of the marriage" and it gave great perspective.
Looking back, having distance on what was 'normal' shows what was way out of whack. And that's the only reality. Perceptions get muddied by emotions, especially through the process of divorce. I know what I know..
We had three kids brought into this world in love.
We were a family for almost two and a half decades.
We were committed to each other in different ways... him eventually to the mother of his children (having decided he was going to be roommates with me.. I never picked up on that!) and being a good provider, me to my husband with the primary focus on the cohesiveness of family.
And although he doesn't see the kids, he does pay the alimony and support as ordered by the courts on time.
We both brought baggage into the marriage.. and didn't grow past it.
I guess getting to the point where I can say, "It is what it is." as a statement rather than thinking "Dang, how in the hell did this crap happen and I have to figure out how to deal with it." makes life just easier.
No blame. No guilt. Just doing what I need to do. ME cutting the strings from a puppet master.
It's funny. Being diagnosed with diabetes is like discovering the affair. Didn't you have any clues.. symptoms? Well.. no. But during the final nine months prior to him bolting, I knew things were screwy.. but I was too beaten to care. And with the diabetes.. well.. maybe afterward I learned what the signs were.
I was on and off pre-diabetic for sixteen years but never figured it would happen to me. Oops. I was tangled in my marriage but never figured it would explode in my face. Oops again.
The best and hardest thing to do is face things head on and take accountability. And the fact that two of my babies were 9.5 and 10.5 pounds at birth (a big red flag for potential diabetes in the future) should have been a clue.. but I breezed by it... as I did with red flags in the marriage.
Ahhh.
But.. big deal. I own my disease. I own who I am. And life is good.
*hugs*
In life I have great trouble admitting something being 'wrong' with me because of pride, shame, fear of rejection, being seen as damaged, unworthy. And here I can just say it.. and the world doesn't fall apart as it does in my mind.
Life is a lot of knee scraps (some a whole lot worse than others) and getting back up.. hopefully with a positive attitude each time.
It's a great experience learning NOT to be my own worst enemy.
hey sweets)))))))))) you are amazing first of all... I'm sorry to hear about the diabetes hon, I hope you are taking care of yourself better now toots, will keep you in my prayers))) sorry to hear about the house and the money issues, yikes, hope that is resolved with minimal bloodshed, hope you get some $$$ perhaps
Ahhh, if I knew what then what I know now, how different things would've been... I was stuck watching 'dr phil' at the mechanic's the other day, and they had a couple with a guy who was cheating (and couldnt' decide who he wanted), and she hanged in there, giving him chance after chance and him waffling...sickly familiar... what really got my attention was when dr. Phil told the lady "why are you waiting for him to decide what's going to happen in your life?"... and 'peace at any price is no peace at all'... and I wonder if I hanged in there too long and put up with way too much... but not for long, I don't have space in my head for those musings anymore...thanks to God.
What I'm trying to say is, isn't it wonderful to find yourself again?? to be free and happy with who you are?
hugs)))
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Although I've found this board an incredible source of support and DBing a way of being aware on different levels, I'd approach the former spouse's departure differently.
When the red flags presented themselves, I'd pay attention and challenge his behavior. As Puppy espouses, get the information, confront and set boundaries.
If he wanted to leave, he could pack is bags and let the door hit him in the ass on the way out.
I'd immediately file for divorce detailing in dollars and cents how much this would cost him financially to pursue this new relationship.
If those shocks didn't encourage a change in behavior then he was already gone.
Of course, being a sentimental deluded optimist, I don't know if I'd followed through with such decisive action.
Hey Gyps, always nice to read you! Although, I am sorry about your health issues and financial woes. I guess we can all look back and say we should have done this or that.... I did it as well....but just a little. I am not sure the outcome would have been any different adn in all honesty if I am not better off this way. So I prefer to look at it another way; I did the best I could with the cards I had dealt. So it is time to get back to the table and perhaps be smarter next hand. Un abbraccio affettuoso!
It's been a busy time. I've auditioned a few times at a local community theater over the past year.. and guess what? I have a role in an upcoming production. I'm so excited because since I was a child I've always wanted to act on stage but let fear.. of rejection, not being good enough.. sway me.. for children's theater, high school and college. And hello.. I'm doing it now!
Yesterday while talking to my mom about the latest round of the former spouse being difficult she pointed, "Sweetie, you've been dealing with this for years. It's time to move forward and on." And she's right. It's time to stop falling apart when he attacks or is unreasonable. Just deal with it and let it go. With that said I'm going to seek legal advice if he doesn't behave.
And.. my sis-in-law, the former spouse's sister, called me all atwitter last night. "They're pregnant, expecting a baby in January. That means when if this child goes straight through college, my brother will be 79 when he graduates!" She asked if the kids knew, etc.
I've always felt that kids need both parents. Even with their dad's scant contact, I didn't say disparaging remarks to them. I don't ask the kids about their conversations and interactions with their father but let them know I'm always available to listen if need be.
After the phone call, I talked to my daughter (now 16!) who told me that yes, her dad was having a baby and that she thought I knew. "Nope, nope, nope.. your dad and I lead separate lives. Just assume I don't know anything." She's very excited to have a future little sibling and has even started initiating more contact with her father. The older boys are a little in shock, since theoretically they could be fathers of the same time. I'm happy that expecting a baby improves at least one of the children's relationship with their father.
And I thought.. it's really none of my business. It really has no effect on my life. And I really didn't care. But I was very disappointed in myself when I unexpectedly saw one of this former golf foursomes that I mentioned it. It was just gossip and had nothing to do with me.
With that said.. I have to focus more on me, getting my own life. At first it was all about making sure the kids felt secure, that my daughter felt safe. But now it's time for me to face fears instead of freeze in inaction and move on and forward.
So.. just stopping by to say hello and hope all is wonderful in your lives. And thank you for all the support and caring over the years that helps me along this new and exciting journey.
Wow you are handling the baby thing well! Not sure I would/will be as graceful but I hope to be. Congratulations on getting the part in the theatre production! How exciting to face your fear head-on...
One thing I've found about this process - after being rejected by your long-time love, nothing else looks scary at all! I took up the drums and will be playing in front of a large audience next weekend with my amateur rock band. And next month I will be on tour on the East Coast playing the glockenspiel for my very talented singer-songwriter best friend. And although I am strictly an amateur and have a lot to learn about my craft, I figure I'm doing pretty darn good for a 54 year old novice, and as long as I don't make any gigantic mistakes, I feel I've done well!
