d could stand for 'dumb' but i have a few dumb questions so please bear with me.
this is my first d so i really don't know the process works. how do you know if WAS filed for d? what is the process? i want to be prepare when h files. my l told me that i will know when i am served personally (ie. h physically hands me papers).
so when does that happen? do we have to have our legal separation agreement completed/signed before this happens? or can you begin filing without this paperwork?
in some advice given here, sometimes we are advised to validate the was and then agree that was and i should d. and then go ahead and file.
if i were to go ahead and file, what has to be done? do i tell my l so he can get the paperwork going? i have only been separated for 6 months. i know that i need to wait a year. but i can file now and get the d ball rolling.
do a web search for your court system that handles domestic relations or family court. once you get to that web page all your answers should be answered.
for where i live i can see everything that happens, don't know how timely it is for the updates on line but all the paperwork is there at my fingertips.
Me 39 H 30 d 18 previous marriage d 2.5 with H s 4.5months with H Seperation Nov09 july i'm dim to dark - set internal deadline
What do you want? To save your M or not? That is your question. My wife told me that if I went to the court for our divorce and told her no she would not have done it. I don't know what to tell you. Usually a sheriff will bring you papers to sign. You have them. You can sign them when you want. They usually love to do this when your at work so it is embarrassing. I don't know about legal separation- really only need to do that if you have lots of money involved. Get the book. It is relaxing to read and gives you piece of mind and really gets your mind off of the breakup just by reading. Hope you get what you want.
d could stand for 'dumb' but i have a few dumb questions so please bear with me.
this is my first d so i really don't know the process works. how do you know if WAS filed for d? what is the process? i want to be prepare when h files. my l told me that i will know when i am served personally (ie. h physically hands me papers).
so when does that happen? do we have to have our legal separation agreement completed/signed before this happens? or can you begin filing without this paperwork?
in some advice given here, sometimes we are advised to validate the was and then agree that was and i should d. and then go ahead and file.
if i were to go ahead and file, what has to be done? do i tell my l so he can get the paperwork going? i have only been separated for 6 months. i know that i need to wait a year. but i can file now and get the d ball rolling.
Are you looking for opinions on what you should do?
I'm kind of puzzled by your questions, if you have a lawyer, he should be able to answer all of your legal questions easily, that's what you have him for right?
Are you asking if you should file for divorce or if you should wait for your spouse to file for divorce?
If you wait for him to file for divorce, you will be served paperwork, you will consult your lawyer and the process will be in motion at that point controlled by the lawyers and courts.
If you file for divorce, he will be served with papers but the process is still the same.
Are you looking for opinions on what you should do?
I'm kind of puzzled by your questions, if you have a lawyer, he should be able to answer all of your legal questions easily, that's what you have him for right?
not looking for an opinion on what i should do. i just want to know what the process is (ie. does legal separation agreement have to be finalized first? can you go ahead and file while the separation agreement is being worked out concurrently?)
yes, i have a l but every word that comes out of his mouth costs me money. i'm not spending any more money that i have to on a l for a d that i never asked for. and i've already been told that i cannot make him pay for my legal fees.
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If you wait for him to file for divorce, you will be served paperwork, you will consult your lawyer and the process will be in motion at that point controlled by the lawyers and courts.
so can he file at any time during the separation process? i have not been served yet. however, i am bracing for impact. in the past, when i received his financial statements for the separation agreement, i lost sleep, couldn't eat, etc. because i was shocked to see what was on his financial statement.
i simply don't want to be surprised any more. i am concerned that when i am served d papers, i will react the same way or worse. if i know what's coming, i will be prepared.
how soon after he files, will i be served? does he have to deliver the paperwork to me personally? or can he get his lawyer to give it to my lawyer - to avoid confrontation?
i've already been reading a lot of advice that says validate your spouse and then go file yourself. so if he hasn't done it yet, then i'll go ahead and file. i want to save my m but the advice is let go and move on.
that's all i want to know. protocol .. what must happen first .. etc. that way i know what's coming and i won't be surprised when it happens.
i expected it to happen on my birthday. nope. i expected it to happen on my anniversary. nope. i expected it to happen when we sold the house. nope. i was even expecting a 'dear john letter telling me he no longer loved me'. haven't received it yet but i'm expecting one. i scoured the house looking for it the day he moved out.
i no longer want to react to these actions. i want to be prepared. i know i have to let go. maybe d-filing will help me let go because i will have gained control of the situation.
personally I don't think filing for divorce will help you detach, in fact if anything, the opposite intention will be achieved.
Let him deal with this situation, let him file and let your lawyer take care of it when he does.
Until then, just live your life without him, go out with friends, maybe starting dating again, just get out there and really detach from this situation.
FWIW, I don't think you should accept any legal advice on these forums, every location is different with regards to protocols in place plus a lot of legal advice could be wrong. Just my 0.02 cents.
personally I don't think filing for divorce will help you detach, in fact if anything, the opposite intention will be achieved.
that was my original plan. but all this letting go and 'validate him and agree that we should get a d' advice is starting to get to me. yeah, that advice might work on someone who's WAS has an OW. but there is no evidence of that here. (i know .. oh you are so naive. a man doesn't leave his w if there isn't another person to run to).
y'know what. i have intel and there isn't OW. what happened between my h and i was simply this. he said some hurtful things to me. i told him how much he hurt me. he did not acknowledge his error and did not apologize. he went one step further and said it had to be said. in turn, i hurt him back by being ice cold to his parents at Christmas. not only that, but i turned ice cold on h too. no intimacy. he wanted me to address my intimacy issues with an ic. he wanted to improve that with me. but it's too late now.
forrest gump and coach have been trying to get me to see his point of view and how hurt he is. and i could not see it for the life of me. all i could see was how hurt i was. i see the err in my ways. i hurt him for hurting me. not the right way to handle it. i should hold myself to a higher standard than that.
i will consult with my l at the end of the month. we are preparing to respond to my h's financial statement - which is full of bs.
i will let h file whenever he wants to. i wanted to get out of my "bracing for impact" mode because anticipating when this next bomb will drop is not the way i want to live.
i already go out and have fun with friends. i haven't started dating yet but these days i have much younger guys talking to me quite a bit. i'm not into that may-dec romance thing. it's flattering. i would hate for a bomb to drop when i'm having so much fun on my own. it spoils the fun.
i just wanted to know where things were going and put the brakes on this rollercoaster. it could be that i will be served papers at christmas. i don't know. all of the major holidays or anniversaries came and went. so what's next? halloween? thanksgiving?
he went one step further and said it had to be said.
What had to be said? Did you validate what he said or did you just go Ice Princess on him? You were passive-aggressive to him and his parents, have you done your work on that?
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he wanted to improve that with me.
And you said no because???????
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
What had to be said? Did you validate what he said or did you just go Ice Princess on him? You were passive-aggressive to him and his parents, have you done your work on that?
that he didn't think i would make a good mother. i don't know how to validate that. "you're right, i wouldn't make a good mother"? i was thinking "where do you come off being an expert on judging my ability to handle motherhood?" but i didn't say that either.
i think i have. i showed a lot of restraint when his mother insulted me and cut me down in my own home. most would have killed her, but comments rolled off like water on a ducks back.
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And you said no because???????
i didn't say no. i said ok. i'll talk to the ic about it. and i did. i worked on that part of me. discovered some interesting things. it wasn't as simple as not having that emotional connection. it was things my father had said to me in the past. my father once called me a whore when i went on my first date. that comment stuck to me my entire life. i was afraid to date. afraid to enjoy intimacy. because enjoying intimacy meant i was a whore. that my father was right about me. and it held me back. i could never enjoy sex because of this nagging comment in the back of my head.
after working with the ic, i now know that it's ok to enjoy it.
