I would have liked to see you either completely ignore him, or VERY quickly and casually (and I mean like a 60-second conversation) say "Well, you're in luck, b/c I have to drop something at my mom's at 4, so I can meet you out front of her place if you want to pick your clothes up from me. Just me know -- text me -- I hate to cut you off, but I gotta run, I'm already late for an appointment."
(or something very similar).
But definitely, DEFINITELY, not this:
Quote:
He talked a little about his day then and asked how mine was going. I told him busy, but good.
WHY ARE YOU STILL MAKING PLEASANT CHIT-CHAT WITH THIS MAN???
I'm going to give my experience as to what worked on me and got my attention. I was the cheater in my marriage by the way. I was full into an affair and "in love".
My wife exposed to everyone. Her family, my family, our friends not the kids though). This didn't immediately stop me but it blew the fantasy off our affair and started me thinking about things that I hadn't really considered, like my kids.
After some initial pursuing, she stopped. She even handed me the cleaning supplies I needed so I could move into one of our rentals. She agreed that this OW was probably my soulmate and dropped the rope. Reality was beginning to set in.
At this point, OW and I decided the affair was wrong, and would hurt innocent children so we broke it off. It was very diificult. I felt like my life and dreams were ending. My grieving process lasted about as long as the affair, which was short as my wife found out fairly early.
I've read that the grieving process lasts about as long as the affair lasts, so you can see the importance of busting the affair as early as possible.
Some things she did to get my feelings back for her - First, she dropped the rope. I wasn't as important as I thought I was. This was a blow to my ego and surprised me.
She didn't wallow in front of me or the kids. Any pain she felt, she did it in private. Once again, a blow to my ego.
She didn't drop the ball with the kids, or her job.
She went out and got some things done. New hairstyle, straightened her hair. New (sexy but classy) wardrobe, shoes, nails done, make up, etc. She was hot, confident and she showed it by her actions and attitude.
She started getting made up and going out on her own. Not recommendibg it, but going dancing, clubbing, some drinking. More wild. She took control of herself and the situation.
This turned my feelings around 180.
Tulsa,
You need to give this its own thread, both in Newcomers and here in Infidelity. EVERYONE needs to hear this!!!
I really thought I was doing better here. I realize now that I am not. Okay. I will do it next time, like the ways you are all telling me. Flat out not talk about anything but what do you need....here's what I can do for you. And that, only after he has contacted me several times and me ignoring him.
Thank you for being so patient with me. I'm really sorry that I am having such a hard time getting all of this, I really am. I am trying so hard. I'm glad that I have been able to keep myself from calling hm though, that is a huge thing for me. And I'm having a little bit of a life myself, that is another huge thing for me. Now if I can just keep myself from being stupid any more along the way. *sigh*
Oh, one bright note (at least I think it is) his mom was talking to me today when I got there. We were alone. She let me know that she walked in on H having a conversation on the cell phone with OW and he was in her house. So, Mom blasted him loud and cleear. Called the OW every name in the book and let him know that it is completely wrong. That she is never welcome in her home and that if she ever caught H talking to OW while in her home again, he would no longer have a place to stay.
She also said that OW and H were planning to do something last night, and she found it hilarious. See H has a 24/7 on call job. He can be called at any minute and have to drop everything and just go. Well, after she blasted him H went to take a shower. Then stepped outside and called OW back to say he'd be there to meet her soon...while they were on the phone, his beeper went off. TEEHEE! Anyhow, mom said she could hear OW yelling clear inside the house and that he had to go on call that took him 100 miles, so she knew that they wouldn't get to meet up.
I explained that OW hates H's job. Because he does keep cancelling on her. And he ahs told this to a couple of friends and even to me Mom said, well that's too bad cause she has never seen any man who loves their job as much as H does and I would have to agree there.
But the bright note is: mom blasted him loud enough that he had to answer to OW for his mom calling her such raunchy names, they had to cancel plans because of work and I understand from mom that they were fighting badly because of it. He said...gotta go and hung up on her at that point.
Maybe it's beginning to finally fall apart in some way.
Anyway, I wanted to tell ya'all about his mom and her support of me. Gosh I love my MIL!!
I really thought I was doing better here. I realize now that I am not. Okay. I will do it next time, like the ways you are all telling me. Flat out not talk about anything but what do you need....here's what I can do for you. And that, only after he has contacted me several times and me ignoring him.
...Now if I can just keep myself from being stupid any more along the way. *sigh*
No... who on earth suggested that?
If he wants something tell him to do it himself... PERIOD.. you aren't his housemaid... if he isnt' even living with you... Why on earth do YOU have to take HIS clothes to HIM?
Tell him to shove them
And you don't need to "keep yourself" from getting drawn in.. you just need to keep someone close to you at all times like a friend or famliy member and give THEM your damn PHONE
Why on earth does everyone insist on distancing themselves (good) but they insist on screening their OWN telephone calls?
That's a bright note 67 but you are WAY too INVOLVED in this nonsense... its going to DESTROY you in a few months... START emotionally DISTANCING yourself from this nonsense NOW... you START that by NOT communicating to him except about children's EMERGENCIES.. period
And even then just call his mother and have her do it...
True. That would help me a great deal if I were to have someone else do that screening for me. I think it would make my life much easier. I'll look into that one!
I will not help him out then at all. That's a really new concept to me. I have always done everything he needed done. Hm, that will make him stand up and look twice if I don't. I like that idea. Okay. Geez.
Okay. So do I not talk to his mom then when she wants to talk to me about all this too? She has turned to me several times and talked with me about H being stupid and stuff. Should I just tell her that I can't do this anymore because I have to learn to have a life without him in case he doesn't come around? Which I know is what she and his entire family are pushing him to do. I'm not sure how to handle the MIL/SIL situation here because I know they are supportive of me and this M, and I know they are trying to help, but at the same time, I know that it is irrelevant until OW is completely gone and H sees the light. Any suggestions on that in which I can keep their friendship and not alienate them at the same time?
