No, I don't think I will ever see my ex again. I think it is a done deal but I did the same thing that you did Geronimo, I told her a bunch of things that just made me feel week about myself. She knows I love her and wanted her back. She did need to here it again. I moved to this board because it is over and I need to accept it and get on with my life. I am starting to dream about her now. This was my only safe place. I don't know if this means anything or not like I moving into a new stage. I hate this stuff. She was no good and worthless. I need to get through my head. She was not good for me this R was not finacially nor emotionally good for me. Why will I not do what is so easy to see and let it go and forget about it. The reason I am saying this on your thread is because I know how to feel. You are not alone in your lostness. I feel sorry for you.
"The heart of the matter ... is our own souls, and our strength, and our outlook on life. Our spirit sees us for who we really are. We don't have to answer to anyone else, if we can see clearly through the eyes of our own good soul." moi
While I happen to think that THIS is just brilliant...
Quote:
I guess that's why I asked the questions I did. Why are you calling? Is it because anything has changed? Well, OK then. I don't want to be mean. I just want to set the clear boundary.
...interesting that even with this...even with your recent "letting loose with both barrels"....she still continues to engage you.
I love the honesty.
I encourage you to be completely transparent and true to who you are, what you are feeling, and what you are and are not willing to tolerate.
What a great gift to your wife.
You keep keeping on Chief.
I'll still tell you that if I were spreading my extremely meager resources on a table, betting on which situation seemed most likely to end in a stunning transformation, yours would be high on my list.
But shoot, I love that you aren't having any of it.
He, he, he....funny especially if that winds up being the very thing that changes the tide for you...
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Par4me - you know, I didn't tell her things that made me feel weak - I told her things that were more honest about how I felt than maybe I've ever been. It was kind of a relief. I had not realized how much I had enabled her. I know what I said hurt her, but they are maybe things I should have said a long time ago.
Anyway, don't feel sorry for me - I've done enough of that already. Time to build now.
Poet - heh, nothing so elegant from me - it was a reference to the Don Henley song. Seemed to fit where I was when I started this thread.
Bill - thanks. I don't know, this last episode may put an end to it. But it was honest, I'll tell you that. And I'll bet you she'll think again before starting another conversation with me about how this is all my fault. Not that she's really talking to me right now anyway. You put your finger on it, I won't have it. I'll take my share, yes. But my message to her was, you need to take a freaking look at yourself.
I think this relationship has loosened its grip on me enough now, that I'm starting to be able to admit things to myself that I didn't before. How much I had stuffed. How much I had not said, how much I had enabled through trying to be supportive.
I do feel like I am emerging, I guess. I'm not a believer BTW. Maybe that's helping me to emerge.
Not exactly "down" I guess, but mired in thought. I am with you in that I'm still thinking about it all the time.
I think part of me still feels like there is something to do. I do want to still call XW and - I don't know - get it right somehow. I wanted to call her last night, I wanted to call her this morning. But I don't know what to say now, and there is no real purpose for it. Yeah, when I think about it too much I want to cry; literally - I can feel it bubbling up. But, for the most part, I am OK.
The habits, instincts, to still engage XW in some sort of productive way are still there, but there is nothing to say or do now. We used to be good at being married. But now it just leads to trouble. I guess that's why trying to enbrace the thought that I am single helps me.
G, I understand how hard it must be especially since she reaches out with all the mixed signals. You're both used to being too available to eachother so take this time to feel the single-ness and try to detach a bit. Fill your time and thoughts with other things. Take on a project at home, build a support circle where you don't discuss all this stuff but just hang out with friends and family and do fun stuff like BBQ, movies, house fix-up project, jam nights etc.
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
I really think you continue to do a good job of thinking about things, whether you or her or the two of you as a duo. One thing that sudden singleness is good for is thinking, and it seems to me that you are reaching the point where you can think about these things, even to great depths, without spiraling downward. That's a good thing I think.
I was struck with a thought by this comment...
Quote:
I think this relationship has loosened its grip on me enough now, that I'm starting to be able to admit things to myself that I didn't before. How much I had stuffed. How much I had not said, how much I had enabled through trying to be supportive.
My experience in a 20+ year marriage, and now through a new two plus year marriage is that we all tend to do a significant amount of leaving things unsaid.
Perhaps as we navigate through life as a couple we think that some things just don't need to be said - maybe we think they would do more harm than good, I'm not sure.
I doubt that there are many marriages out there that could go through the kind of separation/divorce situations we all have endured and not do some looking back to find what now appear to be negative communication patterns - maybe even some enabling of a sort.
Take this observation of yours and place it along side all the rest, but I would hesitate to give it any more significance than any of the others.
While none of us here are privy to the whole you or the whole story of your relationship, nothing you've shared through these months has come across to me as though your wife was a terminally flawed person. Which is not to say that she does not have some significant issues.
My guess is that even with what you are now realizing, if her raionality began to see the light of day again, there is still a nucleus of love and commitment that could be rekindled.
And now I feel compelled to share with you that I am NOT trying to keep you on a hook for her. I share these things because I actually do believe that your relationship COULD be rebuilt at some point down the line. All I hope for you right now is that you reach peace and balance, and that you do not burn bridges unnecessarily along the way.
Believer or not (and I'm not sure if you meant religious or DB'ing) your tale is not yet told. Continue to tackle each day as though there is something fresh to be discovered. Suck every last drop out of every day, then let the chips fall where they may.
Strength, honor, and integrity.
Bill
Last edited by Bworl; 07/21/1007:29 PM.
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
SR, yeah I doing fine in that department, took the boys to a concert in the park last Friday, working on the house, getting the boys into seperate rooms, painting, etc. I think I'm doing the right things.
Bill - yeah, the things that came out recently were actually not new - I've said some of them here, I've said some of them to friends - but it all seemed to snap into place when I said them to HER. Well, actually texted them to her. Yes, she does have issues. I guess the thing that threw me over the edge was, she gets into these converations where she wants to put the blame entirely on me. And yeah, I realized how long I've been not saying anything to, I guess, protect her. But I finally said "It wasn't me." to which she replied, "Oh, you think I have flaws that led us here" or something. She asked if she had flaws...
All the pieces came together for me I guess, and if she thought I was distant, I finally could articulate why that might have been.
But you're right, it's another turn of the kaleidoscope. Today's significant revelation is tomorrow's nonsence.
Anyway, I get what you're saying and I'm not on the hook. What I meant to say is that I'm not a believer in the reconciliation of my marriage at this point, that was all.
So - that all said - she called earlier today. Didn't answer but called back later and she wanted...
... to chat.
So I did. Enough drama for now. After awhile she said, well she's going to go as this coversation seemed to be going well and wanted to avoid it going awry.
I tend to wonder, is there anything I could say or do, anything that could happen, where she would NOT call me within a few days.
Haven't really been on for the past couple of days, not a lot going on. XW and I are talking, mostly about logistics of the kids and the settlement. The boys have been away most of the week. Seems like I'm sinking into my life, to be honest. Refinancing the house. Doing house chores, arranging for the house exterior to be painted, doing interior painting, working to get get the boys seperated into different rooms. Packed up XW's stuff that was in the master closet / bathroom. Funny, a friend stopped by and was teasing me about the decor that XW had put up - flowers, valances, little plates, etc. that I really needed to change because it was 1) feminine and 2) hideous. Hah. Yeah, starting to dawn on me, making the house my own. So - see below - heave ho, throwing out the past.
So for the sake of silly idle posting... Music is one of my hobbies, and I'm sure you all know how song lyrics pop out at you while you're going through all this. This popped up on my ipod yesterday, from one of my favorite artists. So here are your (partial) song lyrics for the day:
Always Returning by Glen Phillips
Here we go Falling out of ranks You're unafraid of consequence I'm faking it as if you hadn't guessed "Heave ho" Throwing out the past You will speak for optimism I can be the realist
Slow down, hold on Oh you don't know what's to come You say, my love I should let you go
I'm watching you run Breaking down walls Making your waves Bearing your cross You're turning away After it all You're always returning You're always returning
