Please Help Me

[MESSIMADE]

Could really use some help/advise in my situation from some wise DB'ers. This is my story

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2014361#Post2014361

[MESSIMADE]

Still hoping for some advice.

[bluestar]

You've gotten some good advise already. I'm not going to berate you about your sitch. Others have done enough of that. I will say that even though she says it right now, she's probably not really done. She's mad as hell, betrayed and on top of that dealing with the rush of hormones.

Get into counseling. Tell her about it and let her know she's welcome if she wants. Write the letter about your intentions as others have suggested and really, realy be an open book. Give her all your passwords to cell phones, emails, facebook, etc. If she wants, send her little texts throughout the day so she knows where you are and how long you'll be there.

Be available for whatever she needs whenever she needs it without so much as a "I'll have to check". Drop everything and go whenever she says jump. Make the most of the family time you're getting.

Just the fact that she will still let you in the house at all says she's not as done as she professes. Be patient. Time is on your side.

[MESSIMADE]

Yes I agree that I have I was just hoping to find more views and thought this forum was probably the right spot for me. What I have done is worth of being berated, I understand how people could react to the mess I made. I hope that you are right about her not being really done, but I don't know. Just this weekend while I was setting in her parents driveway talking to her, her father, and watching our son ride bicycle she calmly said, "In the next week or two we need to set down and decide how we are going to divide things." I responded with a meek "ok" and her father started crying. I didn't know what to say other than ok, but that sure isn't what I want.

I have been to a few sessions and will continue. She is not interested, says she doesn't need counceling. I am an open book and she has all passwords.

When she says jump, I ask how high. Seriously I am there, maybe there too much (at times I wonder if I'm there too much-who knows what is right)?

Yes I agree, everynight she calls/texts that it is time to come up there and I stay until bedtime. I think it is truely to allow me to spend time with son though, I don't think she really wants to see me. Time feels like my enemy. She has said that when baby is born she wants to be able to D asap. That's why she want to divide things up in the next few weeks, so she can file after the Dr cuts the babies cord. To make matters worse she is due at end of Aug and with our son she was about 1 month early. I'm affraid I only have about a month left. I've been trying to stay patient, but it feels like its sudden death in overtime of the national championship - DAMN THIS MESS I MADE!

[MESSIMADE]

Call me a whinner if you will...but I don't seem to be getting much feed back and I was wondering why?

Have I offended everyone somehow? Is my story to much to deal with?
Is my sitch a lost cause?
Is it odd that I am a wayward spouse and trying to DB? I see most here are the BS looking at trying to get WS out of the fog and back to reality.

I'm just looking for some good advice from you guys b/c I love my wife and don't want to loose her. I love my kids and don't want to share them everyother weekend.

[TimeHeals]

When somebody leaves you--especially for an affair--there is a period of weeks-to-months when you pour over every detail of everything that went wrong, a time when you beat yourself up, a time when you become angry at the spouse who has left, the feeling of betrayal.

After a while, you find yourself again, but you have changed, and if you have faced your fears and dealt with the pain and anger and self-doubt, you emerge stronger.

But that time... you felt out of control of your own life.

If your W has moved on and reclaimed control of her own life, you can see why she might not be eager to let you back in her life.

For one thing, she is no longer the person who would have sacrificed almost anything to save the M anymore. She is somebody new. Now, here you are, and you are back in a place she has moved on from, and I doubt she wants to go back there.

To her, it might look like a step backward, and let's face it, you cannot go backward in time even if you wanted to go back.

There is no going backward. You can only go forward. You need to move on from trying to win your wife back, and move on to being a better man, a better father, and so on ... for now.

[MESSIMADE]

I want to move forward also, but not w/out her. I want a better marriage.
I am working on being a better man (for myself & all family), I am working on being a better father (for my son and unborn child).
I am working on being a better husband (for my wife that I am still married to, hoping she will see the changes before it is too late).

[TimeHeals]

If you've already told her all of that, then the ball is in her court, and there is nothing else you can do.

Stop forcing the "better husband" issue. Be a better man and a better father. The marriage you had before this is gone.

Is there hope for one in the future? I don't know, but it won't happen just because you keep saying you want it to happen. It's not up to you anymore. She is making her own decissions now.

[MESSIMADE]

I know it is all up to her and I know the road she wants to take.

I'm subtlely (not forcing) better husband. She is pregnant and even though I am not living in our house I do my normal household chores plus what she would normally do. I'm just showing I love by doing I guess is what I'm saying.

I know its all up to her. She has give up on us I believe. I want her to know that I'm not giving up.

[TimeHeals]

Well MIM,

No more sneaky stuff. You have to be an open book now. That includes letting her read what you post here if she asks what you are doing and asks to see it.

Best of luck to you.