Look, what you have to do is "what is right". Leave your feelings out of the mix.
If this were happening to somebody else, what would you tell them?
How you handle this has a lot to do with what kind of role model you are for your kids.
You need to be strong and a good role model. You will do what is right, you will not fall to pieces in front of your kids, and you will live a good life.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
I am not handling it very well at all. I really am not. I am a train wreck and I have lost who I am...Any sugguestions on what to say to him..we have to have a heart to heart and I am not sure he can handle that. He just gets mad when I talk to him about stuff
am not handling it very well at all. I really am not. I am a train wreck and I have lost who I am...Any sugguestions on what to say to him..we have to have a heart to heart and I am not sure he can handle that. He just gets mad when I talk to him about stuff
I you are not ready to talk, you aren't ready to talk. Can you see a FT for IC?
You need to get yourself under control, and that means getting all of this poison out of your system. Feel what you have to feel and then let it go.
It's a tough business, but it is going to make you stronger if you just embrace it and know that you will be better and stronger for having dealt with it.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
Basically I am in crisis mode because I know I need to act or this will never stop..I feel like I am running around in circles and it never changes. He just keeps going back and going back..and it is a nightmare. Sure..my kids will hurt. S is only 2 and D is 5..it will be very hard but he made this decision...and only he had the power to change it and he did not.
Basically I am in crisis mode because I know I need to act or this will never stop..
You formulate a plan of action when you aren't being driven by extreme emotions, and then you act on that plan for right now.
If you are going to have a panic attack over a "heart to heart", then don't have the danged talk. You aren't ready.
It's just talk, and you are just telling somebody you aren't going to live in an open marriage or be their safety net because--among other things--it sets a poor example for your kids.
Do you want your kids growing up thinking it's OK to cheat or be cheated on?
When you can think of it like that, you are ready to talk about it.
Last edited by TimeHeals; 06/18/1001:56 PM.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
Oh its not the talk that has me in panic mode..it is the fact the d is final for OW so now she could move him in if she wanted right??? maybe she could not before because D was not final..I dont know. I dont know how these things work. I have said all of the above to him but it does not stop him.
Oh its not the talk that has me in panic mode..it is the fact the d is final for OW so now she could move him in if she wanted right??? maybe she could not before because D was not final..I dont know. I dont know how these things work. I have said all of the above to him but it does not stop him.
Your panic is most likely coming with the realization that you are completely out of control when it comes to what he will do and what OW will do. You will not feel any better until you accept that as a fact - they will absolutely do what they want to do and they will pay very little mind or heart to what it will do to you.
Now listen, woman - you cannot start spinning out of control here. You put down a boundary. If he crosses it, and I can tell you think he will, you know what to do. There is NOTHING ELSE TO DISCUSS! Stop trying to think of what you can say that will CHANGE anything. Talk will NOT. Only your actions going forward.
Sit tight.
The other thing you need to be doing is making yourself the BETTER choice. How attractive are you to H at this time? You're fretting, you're anxious. Are you taking care of yourself? When is the last time you dolled up and went out with girlfriends for a lunch or Big Girl Drinks? Get out of that house and discover the world. You know he is NOT the universe, right? And yet you are hanging every feeling, every thought, every action on what HE does. Time to change that. This is YOUR life, sister - and you need to control it - not him and not that OW.
Don't get back on here and respond by telling me all the reasons you can't get a life of your own! Expect a 2x4 from me if you do. You were NOT born to be HIS wife! You were born to be YOU. When are you going to start believing that? What about now? Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
I can tell you as a man there is NOTHING that wakes us up faster than a woman who suddenly gets strong and stands up for herself and suddenly seems as if she is moving down the road without us. We don't even consider changing with your words. We let your words go in one ear and right out the other. Especially if you have been a door mat for awhile.(which you obviously have been)
If you want to save your relationship, then the best way is to send him packing with action.. No more words. Words are not working..
Ok, I say this over and over again to everyone that it on here so I am such a broken record. So in case you haven't read my advice somewhere along the way- here it is. Get an instant social life through Meetup.com- mom's groups, women's groups, social events, etc. Shocks the hell out of the other spouse when suddenly you and the kids are out constantly or just you. It really stuns them and makes you happy to have your mind focused elsewhere for a few hours.
The other thing I always tell people- go to the library and get a ton of funny books on tape/CD, usually there are a lot of comedians you can check out. It is hard to let your mind run out of control when you are laughing your butt off. There were points were I would HAVE to have a tape playing to drive, otherwise I was too panicked to drive. It really, really works.....
Everyone is right- if he crosses the boundary you have to follow through on consequences. Life can go on without him as a hubby. People lament D but I think of it this way- why does D mean done? Is it 20% of people that remarry the same spouse after D? IDK, I am looking for something to back that stat up. D is not the end of the world, things change but sometimes for the better in the end.
IDK, if he continues his cheating ways it will just eat away at you and show a poor example for your children. You have to show the severe consequences- not just for him but for you, make sense?
Last edited by june72; 06/18/1003:39 PM.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
I agree...and this is really helping me! Thank you! I am just scared..and my anxiety gets the best of me. I have been in such a funk that I lose myself. Words ARE NOT working! I know! He would be stupid to continue seeing her because he will be caught again. I always know..ALWAYS! It is time to get strong...whenever I do he really seems to rebel and cares less.
