More seriously, if yo have proof, you DO need to confront. If you don't, he'll never begin to think abou the impact.
Confront doesn't mean blame or attack. A copy of the webpage and a phone log might be enough. Along with a message of love and hope. Maybe a the website saa-recovery.org
I don't know if that is the right approach because he doesn't want to be part of my life right now (because he left) do if I confront him he will feel bad and ashamed but what are the consequences? If I file for divorce that is what he wants. He knows that I know about thing that have happened before but not the things that have happened since he left.
Onthemountaintop, can you please help me understand how in the world it is even remotely productive to send a message of love to a man that has been cheating on his W with HOOKERS for some time?
Why on EARTH would anybody send a message that provided the slightest indication that behaving that way is even a fraction of a percent okay? There is nothing okay about it. It is disgusting and immoral and IMO he should be arrested along with the people providing him this service.
When B.Eyes says, I never want to be married to him, then I'd change my tune.
My understanding (if I got you right B.E.) is that she wants him better, fixed, and clean. If he stays as is, she wants to move on. That is her decision to make, not mine to advise.
So I'd suggest looking for opportunities to her, not to have him return, but to get help and then return. Her answer makes her POV clear. She CAN speak for herself. She also did.
The AM site is a scam to get as much money from mostly the men ... apparently. I've been reading a few reviews. Here's one that I found particularly interesting - http://www.clickfire.com/ashley-madison-review/
I cannot understand why anyone would want to have affairs and still stay married. Obviously, only the kinds that are narcisistic, with no idea of the pain they may cause to their spouses when they eventually find out. And some have unprotected sex and bring back the possible diseases from that union, to the marital bed.
Ugh! I'm glad I have no interest in sex or M anymore. It's taken me years to get to this point, but I find a certain amount of peace in my withdrawal from romance and all the cr@p it entails. But, I am 52, and BE is 28 ... too young to ignore that side of her life.
Take care.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Here is where I am right now in case I have been confusing (which I’m sure I have because this is just a roller coaster). I first found out about WH’s problem in February 2010; prior to this I knew he had an affair from Jan 09-Mar 09 but we stayed together and were doing pretty well. Prior to his disclosure I had NO CLUE whatsoever that he was involved in any of these kinds of activities (since 2006). NO CLUE. I was the kind of wife that was not jealous, realized that people flirted everyone once in a while, no big deal. Once I found out about everything in February I was hurt and shocked but at the time didn’t really realize the extent (that I do now) but thought he had a problem. He begged me “not to give up on him” and he wanted to get help and was ashamed, etc. So I had thought this entire time in therapy he was working through these issues and our relationship was “fine”. I didn’t really realize the extent of everything. So when he left in my mind I was thinking that this wasn’t even still an issue – that obviously doesn’t make sense to me now that he could just be “cured” but when he left I was so convinced it was my fault, etc. You have to remember that WH has been dealing with these emotions and problems since 2006, I just found out about it in Feb and even then I have never even seen this side of my WH so it’s almost hard for me to put the two people together which is why it has been so hard to detach.
Now that I have had a chance to step away from the situation for about a month I’ve realized that WH’s problem is more severe than I had known about previously (this is common for SAs to not disclose everything). Although I’m not in WH’s therapy sessions with him I was told by him that all he talked about in therapy was me and our marriage. This comment and the fact that I have multiple proof that he is acting out leads me to believe he never took any of his time (or very little) to work on himself and this problem. I now (after a month) have come to the realization/understanding that we could never just “get back together” (I’m not saying he would want that anyway, just hypothetical). It could never just go back to how it was because too much damage has been done, I know too much now and I can’t live with someone like that. However, I’m not at a place mentally, emotionally, etc to completely let go. Everyday I am working on myself and working on letting go but I’m not there yet. I have a lot of anger and I don’t want to just file for divorce I want to feel more at peace and I don’t want to do things out of anger.
If I could have anything come true I would hope that over the next year WH realizes the error of his ways, wants to get help and build a new relationship but that is obviously not very likely. Right now, at least by being separated WH is still paying his portion of bills so I’m still able to live in our house and will be able to do so for AT LEAST the next year until a divorce is final – which depending on when/who files I may not be divorced for the next 1.5 years. Besides everything he has done I almost feel like I’m getting my way a little bit by NOT filing because he has to live with his parents for the next year because he can’t afford ½ mortgage and to get an apartment.
Right now, WH has NO IDEA that I know anything about was has happened since he left. For all he knows, I still think he is “cured” and everything is fine. I don’t know if I will get to a point where I feel the need to confront him, possibly towards the end as part of my closure and final “goodbye”. All I know is I can barely stand to be in the room with him anymore (like at the wedding). He has these visions of us still being friends and I can’t even imagine. There is no way that could happen unless he got help – why would I want to be friends with someone like that.
Right now I’m mourning the person I thought I knew and loved and though I married. It is very painful to realize that basically your entire marriage was a lie. You question everything that you ever did together, everything he ever said. I’m almost 30 now, which I know it’s terribly old but all of my friends are married and are starting to have children and so I’m also mourning this life that I thought I was building and this future I thought I was going to have. It’s very painful and very sad. This has changed me as a person and the way I trust and view relationships. Realizing that there was so much deceit. I just almost can’t fathom it.
So, do I still want to be married to my husband? Well, yes, but the husband that I thought I knew. The one that I had before all of this happened. And unless he changes or decides to change we can’t be together.
Wait!? Are you saying- she should respond to his ad looking for someone to cheat and then go over there and have sex with him?
Maybe respond as a method of confronting but hooking up with him???
I am so confused here.....
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
I took it as she was saying it as a way to confront him...
Sadly, BE, I think OTMT was serious about the hooking up thing but maybe I am wrong here.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
BE, I know how you feel. It is painful to realise the H you loved and started building a life with, is not the man you thought he was. I went through that too with my H for 10 years from about the 2nd year of our M, that I know of ... he had a porn issue. He finally got help, but I never truly trusted again. Then he had the EA.
That is why I say you cannot be married to someone with an addiction. It may not be a drug, or alcohol, but an addiction to porn or affairs is almost worse. It is easier to hide and by the time you realise what you have, it's too late (especially if you have children, which I did). You, at least, found out early in your M. I am not advocating you D him (that's up to you), but you do have an opportunity here to leave and start fresh. You could work on your own issues, then hopefully, find a man who does not have these problems; have a family. I always told my girls to be careful who they choose as the father of their children.
I understand, though, that you are still working on detaching. It is hard. I couldn't do it until now, and that is 5 years after our so-called reconciliation. We had too much history together. He didn't change and so I fell out of love with him.
Don't allow yourself to be the victim of his addiction. Let go and see what life has to offer without him. If he gets help and works on himself, then perhaps later on, if you haven't found someone else, you can revisit the R and see if there is anything left to salvage (assuming he will want to), or to start anew. This is just my perspective, and something for you to think about.
Know that this is not your fault. Take care.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
but maybe I am wrong here.