She is lashing out because she got caught with her hand in the cookie jar. Do your best to let it all slide off your back. It's hard as hell. Believe me, I know.
When my W was caught, she did the exact same things. She twisted our M around so that it sounded like it was MY fault that made her cheat. Right now she's addicted. You're a police officer. Think of an addict. When they don't get their fix they start lashing out and look at others to blame except for themselves.
How do you treat an addict? You stop enabling. You don't argue back. There's no point to do so. The harder you argue, the more they'll push back. Become the wall. She can batter you all she wants, but you continue to stay strong.
I repeat. It will be HARD. But start thinking of her as an addict. Detach the emotions.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I agree that you should minimize contact now...she will come back and when she does, be DIM- positive and detached.
My advice may be disagreed w/ but I would take some steps back and not even mention H, W, or M at this point.
Your W had a huge issue w/ OM ignoring her (though he would also double talk, etc)...I would instill some loss w/in her. Keep busy, go out w/ the boys, but also remain accountable and responsible.
They say the withdrawal takes some months, from last contact- any minute contact can set the clock back to zero...
Do not feed into any negativity and be DIM.
When I was DARK for about a month, my WAW was broken up w/ by OM2 and actually contemplated the TRUTH about our M...no more rewriting things-
this was short lived b/c I think I welcomed her back too quickly, BUT being somewhat absent will allow the true perspective to return.
Now- do not neglect, if you say something you do it (what you're gonna do, what time you'll be home, etc)...still speak w/ your actions, but just take care of you.
You are taking to heart what this woman is saying. STOP IT.
You need to realize she's addicted right now... You just DETACH and get the job done. Do NOT argue, negotiate, or SYMPATHIZE with an addict. You just stay back and wait. Once the addict realizes
Etc all result in NO REACTION, they will walk away.
That's how you AVOID a fight.. but you keep walking right into them.
Your wife comes home visibly upset and you ask "you have something to say?"
Man, LEAVE it ALONE.. you are a conflict MAGNET.. DROP it.
This is all the crap that is due to happen when you expose, but YOU are taking it PERSONALLY and that is NOT HELPING your CASE.
Treat your addict wife like you would any drug addict on the street. If they insulted you or yelled you wouldn't yell back or argue, you would just stand there calm and wait for the tantrum to end.
Your wife is pissed off at OM, NOT YOU.. but YOU are volunteering to be a punching bag when you try to communicate when she's like that.
That phone call.. I would have just bowed out.. The OM and OMW both want your W to stay clear... I would have just STAYED OUT OF IT... You could have just said, this is none of my business and let those two tell your wife to leave OM alone.
Good call on listening into the phone call in teh basement though... You have learned that OM WAS pursuing her physically... It wasn't just your wife fantasizing.
I have been there, as have many of us... Take some advice from the other side.. STOP saying your marriage is over and that your wife is never giong to come back.. They DO COME BACK... So STOP IT and find some strength man!
Dude, what happened to day, you should be EXCITED, not miserable... OM and OMW are doing YOUR DIRTY WORK FOR YOU.
THEY are taking the bullets and driving your wife into reality... All you have to do is sit back and munch on popcorn...
This is THE BEST... When Exposure is done as well as you have done it, and kept those communication lines open, it makes a HUGE difference..
My advice is for you to just STAY BACK and let your wife deal with growing up... She's acting like a five year old and throwing tantrums... do you know how parents handle a tantrum?
They IGNORE IT.
You just stand back and let them scream.. do NOTHING. Just project calm adultlike energy and hold that for dear life.
Your wife is provoking you... Ignore it.
You are doing well, I am not trying to beat you up here, but You still seem to have not gotten the idea that she's ADDICTED. You keep thinking this is your WIFE talking rather than an ADDICTION talking.
Your wife is in there, but right now the addiction is doing her thinking and acting for her... Your wife is just inside watching and can't do much about it until the addiction is gone.
when my W left, I made the terrible mistake of calling her female friend from work. I felt like I needed to clear the air. I told her that I was only trying to protect our marriage. She said she just started to talk to my W in the past few days in a serious manner about the entire sitch. She said she has told my W countless times that she should work on our marriage and this whole thing with OM had gone to far and to just get over OM. She said she just feels bad for my W because everyone at work is talking about her behind her back. She suggested to talk to OM friend and he could shine some light on what actually did happen.
SO I called him and the convo was brief, he pretty much told me everything I already knew.
I had left the house and took the dog to the park. W had returned home shortly after and called me wondering where the dog was and I told her with me and where, she said she would be right there. W showed up and started to play around with the dog.
W told me how she had a convo with her father for nearly an hour and that she told him how she became friends with a guy at work and now he has betrayed her and everyone is talking about her behind her back. Her father gave her a pep talk of sorts...W did not say if she spoke to father about our sitch or her moving out but I am sure they did.
We went home. When we got back W wanted to go over the phone logs. This is when she discovered that I had spoke to woman from work, so I told her I did call and she told me did not feel comfortable talking to me and suggested I speak to OM friend.
W is upset because she thinks something more is going on...I really got myself into a jam here.
The female friend said the convo was between us but I admitted the convo to my W and the friend does not know I did.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
You definitely shouldn't have shown her the logs. Talking to her just tossed more fuel for her to go off on and blame you for how she can't "trust" you.
She went to her dad for validation. Notice how she made herself out to be the victim. She went to him because there was no one else she could go to. My W was the same way.
Stop showing her your phone logs if she won't show you hers. When she insists on talking to you, tell her "there's nothing to talk about" and walk away.
Ever notice that the more you talk to her, the more things get messed up and she is the one wearing the pants?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Have you ever considered telling the truth? If you are not embarrassed to do something, you should not be embarrassed to say you did it. So you talked to her friend. Big deal! whoop-de-do. You were concerned about your wife and you talked to her friend. You're a cop. What crime is that?
Well, hopefully she now knows that OM was just playing her. Of course, if he really brings this up to supervisors at work, it is a big deal. will he charge her with sexual harassment? Do you know? Does she know? She could be out of a job soon.
she has made a mess of her life. What is she going to do about it? Time for you to stop trying to clean up her mess.
Dude, what happened to day, you should be EXCITED, not miserable... OM and OMW are doing YOUR DIRTY WORK FOR YOU.
THEY are taking the bullets and driving your wife into reality... All you have to do is sit back and munch on popcorn...
LOL!!! That was too funny!
OIN, Allen has given me a ton of great advice. I am not one to give advice other than to pay close attention to what Allen says - he has helped me out a ton. You may also want to watch my thread. Our situations are very similar. But the OM in my sitch has been much more difficult to eradicate. I only wish I could sit back and eat popcorn...ha! I have had to resort too other tactics to get the OM to back off.
My wife is asking for a divorce and I don't completely understand why.
ALLEN I say "My W will never comeback" because she is so caught up in the past. If you recall over a month ago I sent you an email (contents confidential)? If you still have the original email, reread it, those are the things she continues to bring up therefore I find this sitch impossible to reconcile.
Quote:
OIN, I just posted telling you to step back and leave it alone and you call her friend at work?
The phone call to the friend was after she had left but a couple hours before you made your post. It was not while the friend was at work. what I said is she is a "friend" from work. She claims that she is talking to my W because she feels bad for her because everyone else at work talks about my W.
This "friend" is the same woman who I had mentioned long ago in a post about the one who cheats on her husband and this was the influence my W had. Turns out, her and her husband have an open marriage and oddly enough she believes in marriage and has told my W many times that she shoulld try and work it out.
LOTUS I told my W the truth. I thought in my previous post I mentioned that.
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As I mentioned last evening W called me to find out where I took the dog, and then met us up at the park where we were.
W talked about her long conversation with FIL. She said it was about her sitch at work. W did not say if any conversation about our sitch was brought up but I assume it was. I txt FIL last evening to get an update on his GF's condition. FIL did not reply.
Last night after the whole phone log thing and me telling W truth about calling her friend. I was laying in bed on computer and W asked if I wanted to play a game. W played for about an hour and then called it a night.
This morning W called off work.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
