Steve what else saved your marriage, don't hold back, tell us, especially when you're talking about wive's "fingering" their husbands LOL!
Originally Posted By: Bummedout
I'm looking to hear peoples actual experiences with attempting to mitigate damage relative to their discussions with friends.
Sure. I am egotistical enough to tell you a personal story.
I have no idea what my wife's friends were discussing with her. I imagine they were getting effed up and saying some effed up things. I'm sure they had her convinced the single life is pretty good. I'm pretty sure the lesbian friends were telling her, he's bad. They didn't like me one bit. One of her divorced friends did; told me how hard it was to be a single mom, how hard it is to find good guy, how maryelephant was confused, trying to find herself, how she'll have to find out the hard way. I wasn't going to touch that one. I figure she didn't talk to my wife about me too much. Maybe, she did. They don't go out drinking together any longer.
When my wife, maryelephant, developed some new "interests," I taught, mitigate LOL, litigate and started preparing for that. Years and years of nonsense, I had enough. I started putting money away, sold off things I didn't need anymore; I interviewed divorce attorneys, decided I was going to have an incredible second degree black belt test and showcase my talents as a martial artist. and did. I was doing more sit ups then Brittney for months and months and months. puked up petrone. took a leave of absence from my career, went back to the basics and started teaching Biology and Math. Picked back up old hobbies and introduced them to the kids. etc.
I still cared about her. No, I love her. She is my best friend. I didn't say anything to her. Didn't bother to remind her how important our marriage was or how much I loved her. Maybe I did. I think I once told her, I love you but I am not in love with you anymore. I just let her be free. Sometimes people just need to figure things out for themselves.
Do what you want its your life.
I will live mine. Dated my hairdresser. Met Jolene and had a fun time. She was weird didn't know what she wanted. Trying to find herself maybe or pushing her husbands jealousy buttons, who knows. Who cares. Maryelephant didn't see that one coming and she back pedaled quite a bit. She started talking relationships, good time afternoon sex, starting over again. Could have been a divorce busting success story.
Somebody on this board told me:
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Remember.. Your lines in this movie are now the ones of the WS. Her lines will be the ones of the BS. If she doesn't memorize and say her lines correctly (i.e. says it isn't working or doesn't know how she feels etc.) THEN you just agree with her.("I feel the same way. I agree this isn't working) If she says them correctly, then you keep playing your WS part. ("I don't know how I feel, this wasn't working, we argued too much, etc.")
I found that very interesting, it described me as a matter of fact, however my part in the play for today is:
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Donal Logue from The Tao of Steve - "Steve is the prototypical cool American male. He's the guy on his horse, the guy alone. He has his own code of honor, his own code of ethics, his own rules of living. He never, ever tries to impress the women, but he always gets the girl."
She never did say what I wanted her to say, acted alittle bit differently, but not really like someone I could convince myself I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, and then she got strange again. Boom. That was it. I was done. You want the house? No problem. Sold. You want a boyfriend? No problem. Good luck. I'm still young, semi-good looking, ambitious... I wasn't going to let anybody Else's life stand in the way of mine. period.
It could have been, the rest is history... we took a nice long break from each other.
Then, we started talking and dating again with no discussion of marriage or relationship problems, just having a good time, and when we weren't together still had a good time. Living our lives, learning, doing interesting things and interacting with interesting people. I noticed that neither one of us focused on the negative, we didn't try to control each other, didn't bother arguing, luckily we are very sexually compatible, and as long as we stayed interesting and attractive to each other, we kept wanting more.
We got to a pretty good place together, then she found out she has cancer and we are scared and confused, but surviving. Some of you might not like a word I type but I am glad I did everything I did as counter-intuitive as it may have seemed.
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Sometimes I think it's a sin When I feel like I'm winnin' when I'm losin again
I have learned alot from you in the short time that i have been here both from your post to my thread and your story.
I was not ready for what and how you told me what I needed to do in my R. I understand what you told me now. I didn't get it completely at first, but I am more everyday.
Thank you for sharing your sitch with me and all of us here. I gained so much from what you have said. My prayers are there for you and your W. I wish you nothing but good fortune.
ME-41 W-33 M-8 D-8 S-4 D 5/17/2010 www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1961097#Post1961097
You & your wife are in my prayers. And I thank you for taking the time to help those of us in need while you are going through such an emotionally draining time, yourself.
Your advice is being heeded.
(((hugs)))
formerly known as "shelbel" Me 40, stbxh 40 DSs 9, 7 & 3 M9, T10 Stbxh is a diagnosed bipolar & an addict. The end.
We got to a pretty good place together, then she found out she has cancer and we are scared and confused, but surviving.
That's tough news. I know you will handle it. The Greek and I will keep your family in our prayers.
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Some of you might not like a word I type but I am glad I did everything I did as counter-intuitive as it may have seemed.
You make me think and laugh. That's what great teachers do.
Strength and Honor Coach
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Also, can you tell us what you may have contributed to the relationship going south?
In retrospect...We knew eachother for too long. We could read each other minds, we knew what the other was thinking and what the other was going to do.
Then, our interests changed, our dreams changed, life has a different meaning when you get older; our interests, dreams and plans weren't congruent. Add to that, we already knew eachother in and out, had already sat there when the other one farted and pretended not to smell it, had argued all there was to argue about everything and nothing, and both had this love for life.
Was she dating? Who knows? Maybe. Probably. Good for her. I didnt notice. I didnt ask. I wasnt waiting at home for her to call.
If she had found someone else, so be it. Who am I to decide what is best for her?
I will use myself as an example here, you can look at these situations as a blessing or a curse. For me, I know myself, my strengths and how to use them; my weakness and what I need to concentrate on. I could have curled up in a ball and died. Or I could have sat around and waited then cureld up in a ball and died. But why? There is still alot to experience and still alot of fun to be had.
Maryelephant said something very interesting to me yesterday about the cancer. She said, this is just something else I need to go through in life; its holding me back but it is not stopping me.
Maryelephant said something very interesting to me yesterday about the cancer. She said, this is just something else I need to go through in life; its holding me back but it is not stopping me.
