Trusting someone again

[brknheart]

Memories from the past popup in my head from time to time thought out the day. This happens a lot less frequently than it has in the past but I still have those moments/days. The other day I was thinking about how many things fked up things my XW did the past 8-9 months, how she used me the past 5 years to get through school, all the lies she told me, and how she screwed me with the divorce separation of property. I found out the other day that she started seeing the guy she is currently in a relationship with during the time she asked for some "space" and I moved out to give her that space. Just one of many acts of betrayal that she has done. I ask myself, "How can she live with herself?" The only thing I can come up with is she has no conscience. I tell myself, what comes around goes around.

That leads me to the Subject of my post. I worry if I can ever trust someone again like I trusted her. I never thought she would or could do the things she has done. Ive had people tell me "You shouldn't tell your husband/wife everything, some things are best kept to yourself." Thats not my way of thinking, I told my XW everything, always honest. After all, isnt trust one of the most important, if not the most important things in a relationship/marriage?

So for those that have been through your D and came out the other side shining, what is your take on trust?

[LolaL]

I think trust comes with forgiveness. I know that this may be infathomable for you right now. The anger and hurt you feel at your XW is huge. You did not deserve the things that have happened.

But I have found that by letting go and forgiving the person that hurt you, you are actually freeing yourself. There are still moments when I feel anger towards the SG because he couldn't hang in there, try to work through the issues, and ultimately turned to someone else. But more and more I am letting go of the anger and offering forgiveness instead. It leaves me in a more positive state of mind, and makes me realize that not everyone is like him. There are some people out there, like us, that would not make the same choices as our respective exes.

But it does take time and practice, and for me at least, a lot of prayer...

[brknheart]

@LolaL

Forgivines in your mind or actually telling your ex you forgive them? I could never tell her this because it would only feed her ego and make her feel like everything she did was right. I could forgive her in my mind since I truly believe she has psychological issues and I am better off in the long run since she never want to confront those issues with therapy.

[ClingingToHope]

BH, read Susan Anderson's "A Journey from Abandonment to Healing."

It's helping me look at a lot of my behaviors. I'm starting to believe I chose STBXW because I'd been abandoned -- divorce, and all of my serious girlfriends broke up with me -- because I thought she needed me and therefore would never abandon me.

I'm not excusing what she's done. I understand why we separated. It wasn't getting better and I thought it was all her issues and didn't realize mine.

But I'm not sure I'll ever understand/forgive for not getting a second chance. I'll always wonder.

So Lola it's tough. I'm like you BH in that I can't imagine ever saying to her I forgive her unless she admits she was wrong.

She's already given me what seemed to be a heart-felt sorry. It happened after our second mediation session in the parking lot. I didn't say a word to her. I just went to my car.

I don't know if that's the right reaction either. I don't know if there is a "right" anything about this. The days just move on I guess.

[Lost Rabbit]

Difficult territory! My H is back with me but Im still struggling with having a whole piece of me he wont get back! Ironically its even more annoying he doesnt think hes lost any of me, makes me wonder how well he thinks he knows me or is it still a bit of denial talking!

Its so difficult when you know you couldnt, wouldnt, never in a million years behave that badly, to understand how someone could treat you so badly.. But there are a lot of good woman/men out there who wouldnt treat you badly and if you explained why you feel this way could work with you to change this feeling!

I know its not easy but its not impossible and I really do hope you will allow your heart to trust someone else one day when its not all so raw and unpleasant!

[SunFunOne]

Hi BH!

I have been here for years. My ex had an affair after 25 years of marriage and lied about everything. The betrayal was great. That was 9 years ago. I cannot agree about the forgiveness. I believe you can only forgive someone who truly repents. He has never shown any sign of it. He married OW. He would threaten and scream at me every time he called. I finally had to STOP taking his calls, deal only with child issues which is no longer necessary as they are grown up.

I, too, struggled with how to ever trust someone. The key to that, I believe, is being very careful with your heart. Not giving it away to quickly or easily. Healing yourself fully before emerging yourself in a new R. Set goals for yourself and high standards for a new partner when that time comes along.

After several years I tried dating again. If things didn't "feel" quite right - I moved on. I did meet a wonderful man. But my trust issues surfaced if he didn't call when he said he would (silly but really true). I finally told him that he had to follow through with what he promised. He was just being casual I guess but when he realized how much it was hurting me - he never ever promised to call and didn't.

We've been together 6 years. He never gives me reason not to trust him. But I learned to trust him slowly. Don't believe every thing that someone tells you - go with your gut, check things out periodically to satisfy yourself. I don't mean hiring a private detective or snooping - I mean just following your feelings if something feels "off".

Remember that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. 9 years later and all I can say is that life is SO much better now that ex is not in it. And the best revenge is Living Well. And that's what you should aim for.

Hope that helps a teeny bit.

Barb

[brknheart]

Remember that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. 9 years later and all I can say is that life is SO much better now that ex is not in it. And the best revenge is Living Well. And that's what you should aim for.

Hope that helps a teeny bit.

Barb

First time I heard that one, thanks. I am living well in a sense I am GAL more than I have ever before. I put my life on hold when my ex was in school, never can do that again whoever im with. One of the many things that Ive realized throughout this process is that I need a life of my own, me time, in future relationships.