2/20/10 Wife of 17 years says she's unhappy and wants separation/divorce. Wife moved in with parents and returned for one night a week later before returning to parents again. Have had suspicions of EA for a year. Found excessive phone calls and text messaging after wife moved out. Have tried various ways including DB to get wife to return to work on marriage. No luck. Wife gave many reasons for leaving but no mention of affair.
4/19/10 Got email from wife of guy I suspected having EA with my wife. He separated from his wife around same time my wife did me. His wife said her husband and my wife had not just EA but PA. The wife's description of her husband wasn't flattering. No job, little education, history of credit card debt, and emotional/maturity/trust issues. Plus, his wife suspected he was having other EA's or PA's as well with other women. Even worse, guy was going to be moving in with my wife who had recently rented apartment in neighboring town.
4/21/10 Confronted my wife with new info from guy's wife. My wife didn't deny having feelings for guy. Didn't get into specifics about whether just EA or PA since both are bad and my wife is now living with this guy.
In many ways I still love my wife and want to be her friend. I had even hoped that we might reconcile during our separation but before divorce, but this info and turn of events changes things. Any advice based on this limited info?
Well the simplest answer is no contact w her while she is with OM. You might want to expose their A as well.
marriagebuilders advises setting up a legal separation.
If you don't want a D, don't file.
give us more info if you'd like!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
In many ways I still love my wife and want to be her friend.
I certainly understand -- you two have a lot of shared history together, and there are obviously reasons you were drawn to each other to begin with. But being her "friend", while she is actively cheating on you and lying about it, will NOT win her back, in my experience.
Time to pull waaayyyy back.
Puppy
P.S. Kudos to OM's wife for contacting you and exposing their affair! I wish more people had the guts, and the character, to do that.
Appreciate the advice so far. After hearing from OM's wife on Monday, who exposed the full extent of my wife's affair with OM to me, I confronted my wife on Wednesday. She didn't deny that they were moving in together and that she had feelings for OM, even though we've only been separated eight weeks. Didn't bother questioning her whether EA or PA because both are bad, especially when combined with the fact that my wife and OM are now living together. I'm sure it's both.
Debated but decided to "out" my wife to her two best friends and to her parents. One best friend believed me and the OM's wife, but the other best friend and her parents seem to still be giving my wife the benefit of the doubt, perhaps even defending her (especially the other best friend). I thought this would happen (as happens to others apparently because I just read the "Exposure" thread and saw where other people are blamed when its their spouses who are having affairs). Don't know whether I should bother contacting the OM.
When my wife left me, even when I thought she had just had an EA, I still hoped that we might reconcile during our separation. Now that I know she's kept so much from me, and that she's now living with the OM, I don't know if I would want that if given the opportunity. I don't think I will be because the wife really has shown no remorse, regret, or willingness to work on our marriage.
I've had no contact with my wife since Wednesday. I'm thinking that's the way I should keep it for a while. On the other hand, if I'm to believe some of the details about OM given to me by his wife, he's not a great catch, and so I still worry about my wife's well-being while she's with him. Should I try to be friends with her just to keep tabs on her? I personally think she's gotten more than she bargained for, even though she thinks that what she wants for now.
Thanks, Puppy. I've been reading these forums for a few weeks and know that you always give good, solid advice. Funny you should call OM a predator because that's exactly what I think and what one of my wife's best friends thinks, too. Unfortunately, her other best friend doesn't, and I'm not sure what her parents think at the moment. I haven't heard from them after I shared all this information with them. My wife already seems to have ended her friendship with the best friend who thinks the way you do, which is predictable, even though this best friend hasn't said anything directly to my wife about her affair. I've been my wife's protector/guardian/etc. for 17 years, and it's hard to not do that now. You're right, though. I have to step way back and concentrate on me now. Thanks so much.
Thanks for your advice. I haven't posted anything in a couple of weeks. Took a vacation and have been generally focusing on myself. My situation picks up from here in this thread in this same forum. See also:
