basic background: H is very introverted (ISFP if you know myers briggs), youngest in family, very very non-confrontational.
First years turbulent...I was mean/belittling, financial issues, didn't make him #1. H tried but didn't really communicate and during conflicts would stonewall. 3 years in, H contemplated divorced but we survived then, got counseling, i changed somewhat...we both thought things were going great and were so happy we stayed together.
Got pregnant in Y5, son survived short time after birth and we buried him the next day. Looking back, instead of turning towards each other, we turned away (i also fell into a depression)...and he was left alone. He started a new career, we began living parallel lives. Doctor gave green light to start trying again in Y6...week later H said he wanted a separation...i was devastated. we had just seen a house we both wanted to buy and on the way back, he broke the news to me..."IMNILWY, you deserve better, it's not fair to us or future family"...you could probably fill in the rest.
Took him 3 months to move out...read everything i could...DR was great! During three months, was upbeat and pleasant...got along great. Few meltdowns but not so bad. H said he was 50/50 when he moved out 8/09 but needed this time to see if there was a connection. Didn't tell loved ones so still put on facade and went places together. He was cold/distant in the beginning (said he didn't want me to get any mixed signals). Until this point, also doing MC...but therapist saw he wasn't "there" emotionally and suggested IC as being more productive. He stopped being mean after some time and i asked him if it would be ok to do neutral activities once in a while. He said fine and we did that for a few months...definitely was awkward b/c i was on eggshells.
During our S, he took a large sum of money as a "cushion" and then also took another sum to buy a convertible...had lost a lot of weight and has been very much into his looks.
Went to gottman workshop 12/09 (which was excellent!). Had a great weekend, but still no change in feeling. Religious leader then told him that we needed to move in together to feel a bond b/c separation wasn't going to do anything for building one. H took while to tell me but then he did and i moved into H place 2/10 (figured it was his space so he would feel more comfy there and also the leader).
During S, I did a lot of 180 and a bunch of cheerleading. After moving in together, things were great on surface...playful, caring for each other, spending free time together, cuddling (mostly initiated by me though), and looked like a happy marriage.
Unfortunately i brought up M talk (3 weeks in) and he said he wasn't feeling anything diff't. Saying it probably wouldn't work b/c he can't get over past hurt (H says he wishes he was a bigger person and could forgive me especially cause he knows i've changed). I started to backslide and then found out about a female co-worker "friend" that he promises is just a friend and that he only discusses work stuff with (they text outside of work). Trying hard to believe him but was obsessed and threw me for a loop (since he never mentioned her before and that made me feel weird). I've asked him point blank if he likes her/feels connected to her and he said no.
i backslid hard with lots of pleading, crying, begging, puppy behavior, it's embarrassing. when i found out about other "friend", it got heated b/c he thought i was overreacting and then he decided he wanted out. he has really stuck to his loopy story of it being just work friends.
*Please don't let me harp on this specific item too much b/c it really makes me go nuts and doesn't help with my mission. I'd much rather be in denial*
Pulled my sanity together and spoke to a DB coach (amazing btw!). she had some great insight and helped me to reset my original mission (i'm going to give this my 150% until it's over). looked back on my original solution journal written in fall/09 and found that all the goals have since been met (i had forgotten about them!). then made a list of the positives since this started and there was actually a nice list of stuff (while small, they were definitely things to be noticed).
so i'm writing b/c i'm at my wits end...it's been 10 months and he just can't see the good in this. everyone on the outside sees this is a workable situation except H. i know i can't change his mind but it really could be an amazing rel'p. common phrases out of H mouth: - "i don't feel connected...i want my W to be my best friend but i don't feel like that's you." - "you've changed but i can't get over the past hurt...i tried so hard early on in the marriage and i guess we both missed on our tries" - "you deserve better. it's not fair to stay togeher just because i don't want to be lonely" (me thinking...hmm, i don't want to be lonely either...we get along great...let's stay together!) - "you're everything i ever wanted in a wife (now) and i know i'm going to kick myself one day for doing this" - "even if we stay together now, we'll get divorced anyways 5 years down the road" - "i feel like my death is coming soon and God is doing this to protect you" (he doesn't say this one as much anymore luckily). - <in response to me saying things have been going well> "well, you know me, i like to keep the peace and can get along with anyone." - <for the times i meltdown and he comes to console and hold me> "i feel sorry for you"
i'm getting close to throwing in the towel but then H will do something so sweet and tender that i feel like there's hope.
Me 30, H34, M7years Bomb dropped 5/09, S8/09, Living together 2/10 (due to external forces)
Welcome to this board. Sorry you have to be here but this is a wonderful resource and you will "meet" great people here who understand your sich and want to give you support.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Remember that in the stages of MLC it does NOT go 1,2,3,4,5,6 but can get all mixed up and repeat itself and have more than one stage at once. Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
From reading what you wrote on newcomers I would say that it is a pretty good bet that you husband is in MLC.
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he's had some classic signs...bought a convertible, lost a ton of weight, is really into the way he looks, has been reflecting on his life, and talking a lot to his female co-worker.
You have to understand that which board you are on and what you label your H doesn't really matter. What you have to do is work on yourself. Read the links that I gave you. Especially the detach link and the LBS thread. The MLC resources will help you understand this journey that your H is on.
You are on the right track. You realized your mistakes are working on yourself. Keep the focus on yourself. Your h has a long journey ahead of him. So detach and GAL. This could take a long time and the only way to survive this is to focus on yourself. You have come to a right place.
I will say this, those changes you made SHOULD be for you and not your husband. It just so happens that he ALSO likes thsoe changes, however, just because the changes aren't bringing him back...right now, if ever...doesn't mean you should give them up.
If you just made those changes to get him back, then they are a trick, and you will eventually fall back into old patterns. IF those changes were for you, then they will stick.
By the way...
Screw HIM...you should be your Hope Spring. : )
You CAN do this, for as long as YOU want too.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Pandora...I can only echo what J3B said. There literally is NOTHING you can do to make him come back to you. We all start off where you are. The best we can tell you is what works here. You probably already know what DOESN'T work (begging,pleading, etc.)
The ONLY thing that you can do and the ONE thing that works best....is.......(drumroll): Do what Jack said above. Start to do things for you and YOU ALONE. Anything you do to bring about a reaction in HIM...or do to change you to WIN HIM BACK..will ultimately fail.
The best advice I can give you to is get a hold of Dr. Gray's book, Venus and Mars: Starting Over, and start a grieving process and realize that what you had has changed and mourn that loss. By doing this, you let go and begin to learn how to detach. It's the only way that I know that may hasten THIS:
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- "you're everything i ever wanted in a wife (now) and i know i'm going to kick myself one day for doing this"
The quicker you get going on living your life, letting go of your marriage, adjusting to H's MLC, you will be on the road to a good place. This does not resolve overnight and as one of my friends posted to me when I started here, "this looks like MLC and can take a long time." A lightening bolt doesn't come down on them sending them back to you with flowers, weepy and acclaiming, "honey, I'm home, what a mistake I made."
Get busy living.
Supporting you.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Someone suggested the book The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson; I'm reading it and it is very good.
If Understanding the Midlife Crisis by Peter O'Connor is the owner's guide to the MLCing spouse, then I think Anderson's book should be the owner's guide to the LBS spouse.
I posted this on your other thread, but it's an article about how to work on mindfulness and taking your mind off of your worries:
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
