W still wants separation, need to DB more

[OfficerInNeed]

I had another thread going in the A section of the forum. The A appears to be busted now I need to focus on DBing.

Quick history
W wants separation/divorce after years of verbal, mental abuse and controlling behavior. We have been together for 10 years and W said it has gone on for the full 10 years. I took her for granted and made her feel unappreciated. We still had great times and never imagined life without each other. My W loved me unconditionally and just hoped one day I would change. Shortly after we got married she realized that things remained the same so she wants out of the marriage. Now my W feels as if 'she wasted 10 years of her life', 'we got married for all the wrong reasons' and my wife has told me 'I love you but I am not in love with you' , 'too little too late'

Currently we still live together. I have been DBing for a little over 2 months. We have come a long way but her mind is still set on leaving. We had some backslides in the process as well the most recent 04/08, 04/09 where she had told me 'it's over and there is nothing you can do' , 'my first step to happiness is changing my name' , 'all the changes you made is a front', 'you don't know the real me only who you wanted me to be' , 'It will take a lot for me to trust you again' and my W even did a search on how to remove her name from the mortgage.

As of now my W is waiting for the day she can move out and is counting down the days. The situation is, her father is currently remodeling a home where he will reside and my W will occupy the upstairs apartment. There is no set date but when the apartment is finished she will be gone and the process of separation will begin. There has been a set back with father's GF being in the hospital, somethings have been put on hold as a result and may buy me a little more time but I don't have much time left.

Throughout our sitch it has been a roller coaster. Some days feeling like we can make it. My W have become notorious for leading me to believe there is a future by speak future tense and once she realizes what she had said, she would flip it and say something suggesting she is leaving.


I have learned not to talk about the future and try not to pursue her.

Issues I had:
- Controlling
- Verbally abusive
- Neglected W feelings
- Anger problems
- Took her for granted
- Lack of appreciation

How I helped myself:
- Took anger management course
- Read text books on anger management
- Gone to therapy to help with controlling behavior
- Have found faith
- discovered what it means to love someone unconditionally
- I have gained a whole new outlook on life, love and marriage
and there is nothing I want more than to reconcile with my W

I have an appt. with a DB coach this afternoon but I can use all the help I can get and thank you to all those who contributed to the other thread.

[Lotus]

OIN,

I have followed along on the other thread, so I know that you are still using controlling behavior, although you are now trying to hide it. That is not the same as giving it up. You can't have a trust relationship without trust. It really is that simple. You need to stop asking the man who works with her who she talks to at work. You need to stop contacting OM and OMW, and you need to come clean about the fact that until now you have done that. You need to talk to your wife and be honest with her if you want honesty in return. Anything less is not change. Telling her the truth isn't going to change her plans in the short term, she is planning to leave. But if you really change, maybe she will change her mind later.

[OfficerInNeed]

Understood. Other thread is now locked that is why I created a new thread.

I understand what you are saying. The phone calls had stopped weeks back now but yes, she is not aware of the conversations that did take place leading up to that point.

I have come a long way from the controlling person I once was and I am still working on improving that part of me. The past two days I had the opportunity to put myself to the test. TO help myself overcome what consumed me in the past.

1. My W went to a benefit for a person at work. In the past I would have opposed this and she would just not had went. Just before she left I told her to "Enjoy yourself" and that is something I would had NEVER said in the past and I meant it. I did not want her going feeling like I was at home upset. I wanted her to have a good time.

2. Today my W and I talked and she told me how she was having a conversation with a group of people from work and how a co-worker (male) had said something funny and it made her laugh. In the past I would had got extremely jealous. Today, it actually made me laugh as she told me and the conversation went well.

I have come to the understanding that I cannot control another human being and ultimately she will do what she wants with or with out me and I can only hope it is with me. I had such a twisted perspective on life and our relationship that mentally is was unhealthy. I am now have a strong understanding of what it takes to make a relationship work (a great one).

I will come clean I just have to think of the best way to approach her about it.

================================================

On another note. I spoke with a DB coach for the first time today. It went well. It was suggested that I take a counter-intuitive approach, such as:

W: Tells me what a terrible person I use to be and how bad I hurt her.

Response: You are right, I WAS a terrible person.

Reason: Validates the way she feels. Not making it about me and the changes I made but rather let her know she has the right to feel the way she does and I don't think she is in the wrong.

W: Tells me she is leaving, she wants out, wants a separation

Response: I just want you to be happy.

Reason: Lets her know it is her happiness I have in mind. Not me being selfish. Do NOT encourage her leaving but let her know all I want is for her to be happy.

Giving our our history and our sitch I was told the following may get positive results.

1. Don't pressure her about R/M or the future (Which I have not done in a long time)

2. Do loving acts that get positive response. I am so worried about pursuit that I am not sure what I should or should not do. There are things that some would consider pursuit but in our case generated a positive response.

3. My W pushes my buttons, because she knows what buttons to push. I need to reprogram my buttons. W does it to validate that I am still the same old person. If I reprogram those buttons (I know what they are) and not react the way she expects then she will see she is dealing with a different person.

[OfficerInNeed]

Today:

Turns out my W had won a prize in a raffle from the benefit. I let her know how excited I was for her (in the past I would have cared less). When she returned home we went through the contents of the basket together and had a conversation but how her work day went. I listened, looked her in the eyes and repeated back to her what she told me to validate. She told me things she found funny that someone did or said at work and I smiled and laughed to show her that "yes, that was funny."

I asked my W if she was hungry she responded yes I asked "have anything in mind" she told me and I made it for her. I asked about my FIL GF and if sh received any updates. We had a brief conversation about that. We watched a little TV before she went to bed.

I feel good so far about today. I feel renewed, I have some new tools to work with. Hopefully a new constructive approach. I feel even better at the fact I reacted positive to situations I would have reacted negatively to in the past.

I was asked by the DB coach today "When you two first began, who was OIN then? What was it your W loved about you." I was honest and said "We met young so I cannot say. By the time we both matured and started to take our R to the next step I had already began my ways. All I know, and what I learned over the years up till today, is what my W always wanted me to be." Now it is time (and I have been working toward it for the past few months) to become who my W always wanted me to be.

[Lotus]

This path sounds much improved. I hope that you will stick to it. You have a lot of self-control to work on.

[OfficerInNeed]

Thank you and I appreciate any and all advice/contributions. Feel free to (and I encourage it) provide any DB suggestions. I am determined to save our marriage and improve our R to what it should had always been.

[OfficerInNeed]

For anyone not familiar with our sitch, here is the previous thread

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1951092#Post1951092

Also,
With new tools and new approach something I did not establish with my DB coach are goals so I know what I am doing is working. If I post the list of goals I have developed can anyone help me revise them to more obtainable goals? Thanks.

[MrBond]

Sounds like a great interaction.

Go ahead and post away. I'm sure you'll get alot of opinions. Just keep in mind that in DB, they are small attainable goals. Not just "my W will come back" kind of things.

[OfficerInNeed]

Here are some goals I had come up with a little over a week ago. These are things that I thought "When my W starts coming around what would she say or do." These might not be attainable goals or realistic or even goals at all but that is why I am posting them, to get feedback and make them more realistic so I can validate and monitor what works and does not and keep my sanity.



===========[GOALS]============
My W would/will:
- wear her wedding ring, at least wear it more often if not all the time
- communicate with me more freely and often
- take interest in seeing a Therapist and get help
- be open to some form of marital counseling
- include me or at least consider me in when making plans to do something or go somewhere
- say "Hi" and "Bye" when coming/going to work or other places.
- call me on the phone (no matter where or when) to talk, just because.
- start sleeping in same bed as I.
- overcome her "shyness" around me
- ask how I feel or "how was work?"
- start to show more interest in the upkeep of our home
- initiate positive relationship talk
- would decide to stay and give US another chance
- initiate a hug as she use to when this sitch first started
- make us dinner/lunch/breakfast or something that would suggest courtesy/thoughtfulness
- FIL would be more supportive of our marriage
- stop pursuing OM
- stop exposing our personal life/problems to co-workers
- have a more positive outlook on marriage
- join me at church
- say more kind, encouraging things toward me, about me.
- speak more lovingly as she did when the sitch first began (for example: referring to me as "hun" or "babe" which are words that meant so much to her before our sitch)
=====================

I do have self improving goals and the list is much shorter and I have already initiated most on my list.

If you been following my sitch or have a similar sitch and st similar goals please share what did/did not work.

[DaddyLongShanks]

OfficerInNeed,

Your goals sound reasonable, and describe what should be the norm in a well-balanced long term relationship.