reconciliation after divorce?

[any chance?]

I am new here, so thanks for reading. I am very concerned that my marriage is over, and that reconciliation will be impossible, but would like to hear some opinions that can help me move forward. W has asked for a divorce, saying our marriage is dead. I need to know if I should keep trying or just accept the complete collapse of my relationship. Your thoughts would be most appreciated.

Our situation: I pulled a classic moron move by not paying attention to my partner for several years, not realizing that I was putting my work, play and other things in front of her. Big mistake. Then I spiraling into a high stress situation in my life and career for about 1.5 years, which made me too self centered and difficult to deal with. Nuff said. My responsibility entirely. W reacted to this by beginning a EA with long time friend and coworker, which evolved into a PA last fall. Bomb dropped in Nov 09. W agreed to work on our marriage after that, and has avoided all contact with him, which is difficult, since we are work together. He is still totally in love with her, and will remain a problem to be sure.

W moved out into her own apt in Feb, but we remain in contact and see each other daily. She told me the situation could not continue as it was, and asked for D last week. She keeps telling me that she is trying to get her feelings for me back, but that those feelings are not coming back. Seems as if she thinks her feelings can get turned on and off like a light switch. Over the past two months, we would see a lot of each other, but after a day or so she would have to flee back to her apt. I am convinced that she decided her marriage was over last summer during her EA, and she has never varied from that decision. I feel like she has really never even tried to really reconcile,or notice the changes that I have made, which are significant. Our good friends are convinced a D is inevitable, and I get the feeling my W has decided that D is the only answer. She is really torn up about it, and is very depressed. She rarely talks to anyone, except her therapist, who is convincing her to leave me.

I am confused and devastated, of course, particularly since I have never been given a chance. If the D does happen, am I a fool to think she might realize she made a mistake down the road? Am I a fool to think reconciliation will ever happen? Should I just pack up and move on? I really do not know what to do.

[any chance?]

Forgot to add my stats:
H 49, W 44
M 15, T19

[pearlharbr]

Welcome to the place no one wants to be.

First off, weekends are slow so don't get discouraged by lack of immediate responses.

Have you read DB or DR?

It sounds like you have spent the past couple months pursuing and she is pulling away in response. It doesn't work.

You need to realize that you can't control W's actions or feelings. You can only control yourself, so start there. What are the significant changes you've made?

To get the most out of posting here start reading and posting on others' threads. Stick to one thread, don't start multiples because it's too difficult to keep track of the story. Find sandi2's list of tips to Newcomers and start following them immediately.

[any chance?]

Thanks for your thoughts. I have read much of DR. Gave W a copy, which I now know was probably a mistake. Not sure she will read it.

Pretty certain that she has decided on D. Undoubtedly freaked out by it. I am doing my best to GAL, and need to focus harder. One of our friends said, " what you have been doing is not working, so you have to do something else" Wish I knew what that was.

[pearlharbr]

Stop trying to read W's mind. You can't know what she's thinking so don't go there. She may have decided, she may not, she may change her mind, she may not. It's wasted time and energy and will do nothing to help you.

One of our friends said, " what you have been doing is not working, so you have to do something else" Wish I knew what that was.

Start there. What have you been doing?

Go find sandi's list.

[Number 8]

any chance, sorry to hear about your difficulties.

The title of your thread caught my eye because I have recently read a book called Getting Back Together (2nd edition), and it has highly focused information about separation and reconciliation. It's a great read. In it, there are two facts that you might find interesting. One, 80% of married couples separate for 2 months or more at some point in their marriage. Two, 14% of couples who divorce remarry each other.

I don't know if this might help you, but it certainly gave me hope when I was feeling particularly down. Thinking of you!

[any chance?]

Yep, feeling quite down. W is a WAW who decided this marriage was a corpse 9 months ago, got involved in EA and PA briefly, but has not really put any effort into trying to put things back together again. Comments about me pursuing were correct, althougth I was just trying to be patient and understanding. I made the mistake of lying to her about past events, and now she is angry, and D is on the doorstep.

I am going to focus on GAL. I am going to tell her to go ahead with the D. Do I just put her out of my life from now on? I am hoping for reconciliation, but the hopes are getting fainter by the day. All this has happened way too fast.

[any chance?]

Pearl:
Changes I have made: new perspective re: time allotment, personal time, reducing workload, more diligent around the house, more attentive, much calmer than in recent years, despite the hellish nightmare I have been in for the past 9 months.....

...not even sure she has noticed....

..am going to agree to D, and focus on GAL. Maybe W will see changes over time, but maybe not...

[FindingMyVoice]

Hi Any Chance, just read your post on my thread and came by to offer my support. I'm so sorry you find yourself here, but the support and advice you'll gain is invaluable. I'm very concerned for you!

I'm afraid to make many comments, although as you'd mentioned on my thread about emotional neglect, some of our situation seems similar, someone actually walking out the door and having an EA/PA ramps it up to a different level to me somehow. I fear anything I could suggest to you, behaviours that I'm hoping for from my husband, might have the opposite effect of what you're wanting in your sitch.

But don't give up. That's so important. Pearlharbour is so right - you are the only person you can control so start there. Oh, and are you seeing a IC? It's so important that you build yourself a solid support system. Like MWD says, when one person begins to change the nature of all their relationships has to change along with it. Oh, and another book I could recommend - even my H read it - well parts of it! - and found it helpful. It's for emotional disconnect and it's called 'Hold Me Tight' by Dr Sue Johnson. It's an exceptional book; another gal here has read it and called it 'revolutionary' work. I agree.

My time is running short tonight so I must go. But take care. You're in all our thoughts!

[any chance?]

Thanks, Prariegirl. Been a very bad weekend. Going to get asked for D today, and I suspect W will cancel new MC session tomorrow.

Need to regain hope, but fear all is lost. Need to get a grip.