I know I should feel overjoyed that the plan is for H to move back home and we work on the marriage, but I just feel nervous and anxious. I'm afraid of saying or doing a wrong thing that makes him think "oh, I'm definitely better off staying away!" and I'm afraid of him treating me as poorly as he did for the few months before he moved out. I'm worried about letting my guard down and getting attached to the idea of him being my husband again. I'm afraid he's going to change the plan on me. I'm afraid of divorce, and I'm afraid of staying married, but I'm more afraid of staying married!
So, we're less than two months away from his lease being up (we will have been separated for a full year, he seemed to start coming around mid-February...) and seeing where things go from there.
Meanwhile, he's at my house cleaning my kitchen...
Me - 30, H - 32 T - 10, M - 6, D - 1 DD#1 - 4, DD#2 - 2 on/off OW 4/09 - sometime Summer 2010 (Told me about OW 4/10) Separated 6/11/09, divorced 8/4/10, trying again 9/2011
I understand this feeling of anxiety, and how it can cloud over feelings of hope that you have. Just focus on being the best person that you can be. I think we have to let go of the idea that we can fully determine whether it's going to work or not. You just have to be brave, do the best you can. If you let fear control you at this point, I think it could really be damaging to your relationship. Be yourself (your best self), and be real. Have you communicated your anxiety to your H at all? I'm sure he has anxieties as well. It might be helpful to just air the fact that you have fears, rather than letting the fear fester inside you. Wishing you the very best.
This seems like a great opportunity to talk to each other. Not sure if communication was a problem for you before. When my H had his first A and we pieced, we spoke about everything and it really brought us closer together. There's something about admitting you have fears that just allows the other in. They have fears as well.
I've so been there. Your sitch reminds me of mine a few years ago.
My H has been home for a few years now. And I will tell you that those feelings of anxiety do subside. For a while, though, you may feel uneasy and that's okay. Don't talk about your M. Don't talk about the A. Don't ask him what's on his mind, but do let him know you're there for him if he wants to talk.
Remember that breaking off an A is very confusing and difficult for the cheating spouse as well. Recognize that. YOu are not the only one who is afraid. He probably is afraid, too.
That said, do keep the lines of communication open. Find ways to connect again. Are there activities that you two used to do that you can start doing again? Maybe it's finding common TV shows. Maybe it's going golfing or bowling. Maybe it's taking walks. whatever it is, figure out something that the two of you can have together.
If you do find him treating you in a way that is not acceptable, do not tolerate it. Stand your ground and be strong.
Piecing is difficult. There is a balance between being a safe haven for your spouse and being strong enough to stand your ground.
You can do this. And remember, it's okay to be scared. The piecing process takes a long time, but it is most certainly doable.
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
