Hmmmmm - A few years go by and now the details are fuzzy, but...
Beth - Tia called me the Queen of Hugs and I called myself the Rumination Queen (until I got myself trained to just cut it out when I'd start ruminating again). If I was Queen DB'er I don't remember that, but Tia's nickname for me (as well as my own) may have planted that Queen thing in your head!
I do recall that I did advise lots of people to be "chipper" in their encounters with their spouses. As hard as it might be to do, I thought this would be a good way to approach the Last Resort: act like you're just fine and things are just ducky - even though your spouse is talking divorce. I thought the word "chipper" suggested an energetic, upbeat persona that would be much more attractive than the burdened, weary self that a lot of us felt like much of the time. I know I reminded MYSELF a lot to adopt that chipper way of carrying myself whenever I was going to deal with my then husband.
I will send an e-mail to Jane and TG about your post. This has brought back a lot of memories - such a horrible time, but we really helped each other through it! You cracked me up so many times, and I really appreciate that - I sure needed it!
But you didn't answer my question - does he know about the Pink Toothbrush fantasy?
And didn't you have a humorous (well, the way YOU told it) encounter with Miss PT in a bank? I can't remember the details, but I do remember thinking it was a hoot!
Howdy Beth / Mary - it's so good to hear from you both. Like Mary, I also 'lurk'. Gee, you brought me to giggles remembering that infamous Valentine's of 1999 - we were sooooooooooooo bad; but it was great!!! And before we knew it, Valentine's had passed! It's fantastic to hear that you're both doing well and I agree completely - this board helped and continues to help everyone who comes here...just knowing we have a support network is great. I have to run as my son's waiting for me...but I wish you and your families a very, very happy and safe holiday. love to all vj
WOW! What a blast from the past. I don't even lurk here anymore ... Mary emailed me with a link to this thread and I had to pop in and say hello! I think it was me who suggested that Beth scrub the toilet with that toothbrush...
Hi to anyone who remembers me - and to anyone who hasn't a clue, as well!
I am actually relatively recently divorced - XH and slug moved to Florida April of 2001 while he was still married to me, then he divorced me May of 2002 (hey - it wasn't my idea, so I wasn't gonna pay for it!) only to RETURN to our little town in upstate NY to upset my apple cart a little bit. Thankfully, our paths have not crossed, so I've not had to figure out how I would deal with him. Of course my PLAN would be to be just so cool and disinterested... LOL!
Beth, I think you've taken exactly the right route - I am and have been alone and learning to love me for who I am since XH left. Not to say that I haven't had my emotional involvements - I have grown extremely fond of a male friend of mine who is, unfortunately for me, not interested in any other relationship but friendship. Even knowing how I feel about him, however, he has remained a steadfast, dependable and great friend. If he ever changed his mind, I'd take him up on it in a heartbeat... But I DO enjoy all of my friends, and I enjoy spending time with just ME.
Well, that was more than I intended to write, but it's been great visiting again and reminiscing about the "bad old days"!
Oh ... I think it was also me that pointed out the 5 year statistic. Even if they don't come back, 85% of men who leave their wives realize within five years that they made a huge mistake! I don't advocate waiting for them for 5 years, but there is a kind of JUSTICE in knowing that they'll be kicking themselves in the butt realizing we've moved on without them! Remember that the best "revenge" is living well!
Wow - hello everyone! First, to those I didn't meet until now - Barb, bje, and michue - I am so glad that my post could help you, even if just a little for now.
Barb - you sound like you're doing great, and probably exactly where I was at 16 months. Yes, you do unfortunately have to "go through the pain" - that is so true! But those that don't (i.e., move in with an OP, or whatever) - don't ever truly grow or move on. It is so truly hard on the kids, I know, but my kids now, 5 years later, are so incredibly close - to eachother, and to me. Hang in there - your last paragraph says it all. Life will get better for you - you can see it now!
bje, michue - wow. Being married for so long like you both have has to make it so tough. But you both can do it - you've come to the right place and you know what you need to do. I wish you both only the best in the future.
Now to my old friends - Hello all! Mary - Thanks for the refresher on Queens - I knew you were queen of something! And thanks for bringing the others back below! You are so right - it was such a horrible time in our lives, but we came here to actually laugh and support eachother. We all cracked eachother up!
To be honest, I don't think I answered the Pink TB question because I don't even think about it anymore! Let alone talk about it w/ ex H! See how far we've come! Did I tell you all my bank story? Yes, I only saw her once, a day when I marched my behind into where she worked on a crowded Friday afternoon - I was a complete lunatic! Completely out of my mind - it was right in the beginning and I don't think I'd eaten or slept for like 2 weeks! Let's just say I screamed across the entire bank what I thought of her - in front of customers and everyone she worked with. Looking back now - it was a thing of beauty! And I never saw her again - so I don't even remember what she looked like. But I do remember saying 'omg - I can't believe he left me for YOU."
OK, back to the present! I think he broke up w/ her like 2 years ago, but I'm not even sure! Because it just sort of fizzled out, I think.
VJ - Hello my friend! So good to hear from you! Are you doing ok? I do think about you, you sure had a rough one too like the rest of us. Glad you still come back to check in! We sure had some rough times... I honestly can't believe how much time has passed since then! I wish you only the best my friend!
Terri - Hey there! Yes, I remembered it was you with the tooth brush scrubbing suggestion! I think we were all ranting and raving throughout this post - wasn't Catherine in there too? - and you just zinged in this one liner - it was awesome!
I'm so glad to hear you're doing well - ah yes, the slug! Remember that name too! Keep doing all the great things you're doing. So you've had emotional involvements but one wants to be a friend? Well whether it's him or someone else out there - you are awesome and will someday find someone who's good enough for you! In the meantime, you know what to do!
So do you believe that 5 year thing? I certainly didn't wait five years, which is why it's so hard now! I love him but I'm so missing that in love thing! But I'm honestly just moving very slowly - I'm in no rush for anything - and we'll see what happens.
Terri - you're so right - Live well, all of my friends! Happy holidays to all of you!!
Beth & Everyone, Linda Waite at the University of Chicago did a research project. They interviewed married people who said they were unhappy in their marriage. She followed up five years later. Of those who stayed together 5 years that originally said their marriage was unhappy 86% when reinterviewed five years later said their marriage to the same person was happy. This is recorded in her book written with Maggie Gallagher called "The Case for Marriage".
Hi Beth, Just dropped in to say that I DID the toothbrush incident...several times in fact. I felt I was doing a service, making that toilet bowl SHINE And no, I will never tell my stbx but I may do it again tonight, new years, just for the halibut.
Glad to hear that you are considering a reconciliation. There are a couple of books out there that you might conside reading: an easy read, the Five Love Languages would be a great one for you and X to talk about. Basically, we all have certain ways we like to feel loved. If YOU like touch, then why waste time giving you gifts when hugs mean the most. And if he likes affirmation, why vacuum and cook and clean when just telling him he is great fills his love tank....Such an easy, simplistic idea...but it really works. Another book, The New Couple, tells how to progress though the different stages of love with eyes and heart open.
I enjoyed them both, tho have no op to use them. Oh well.
Beth, Three couples on my sister's street did exactly what you are in the process of doing. And it took 3.5 years for one, and five years for the other two. They are back together and happy.
My travails took about four-five years in total, counting the beginning dis-ease of a year. And high, rough waters for about three. And my h seems very happy now, so unlike the angry, petualnt man of three and two, and even one year ago! It's good of you to post -- it gives people hope.
Hi Beth! I remember you...I joined in May of 99'. You replied to me on several occasions. We were the ones who convinced Michele that MLC is real when so MANY of us had such similar stories with the same script and symptoms. Well, I have got divorced recently...long story, but my wasband did it again, and I promised myself if he ever did it again, that would be it for me. In our years together, he had 4 affairs. One affair, I didn't even know about til #3 thought it appropriate to tell me. The 4th was the final straw. When he took his sexual exploits to my workplace I could no longer DB. I filed and divorced him so fast his head is still spinning. Of course, he's still fooling around with #4 who has yet to leave her husband...aiyaiyai! He was here yesterday to visit daughter and fixed the pool pump for me. Stayed for dinner and loitered. I am cordial to him, and when he does something for me, I usually feed him. But, that's about it. I don't look for more, although it would be so cool for him to admit that he made a big mistake. I just want him to acknowledge the damage he did. But no, I don't want him back controlling my every move.
AlexN, Good to hear from you friend! I don't trust the weather in Buffalo anymore, so I have no idea when I will be back there, but you can bet it won't be til a "warm" month. I was in Boston a few weeks ago and nearly froze to death from an "unseasonable storm". Well, unseasonable storms seem to follow me around. Remember Nov. 2000? We still have that date for lunch and outlet malls to keep! Of course, if you ever get to Phoenix, be sure and let me know you're coming.
Take care all...once againm, it's nice to hear from the other old-timers. GG
GG, so good to hear from you! It's funny, but the snow started falling yesterday, and I thought of you. Thought: when will I ever get to Buffalo when GG gets up there?
I did read your post some time ago about the more recent turn of events in your life, and think I posted to you, but perhaps not. I know that feeling. If my h ever pulled anything like that again, I would be outta here, kids or no. I'm not surprised your h is hovering, doing things.
How is your grad work coming, or did you finish, and I missed that?
Alex, Hey Lady! I don't do winters in Buffalo anymore. Come to think of it, September wasn't much fun either in 2001. I kinda got stuck there, not from the snow, but from the fallout of 9/11. Although, I did fly back there this year on 9/11, more or less a statement...WE ARE NOT AFRAID. I had a family wedding to go to on the 14th and figured the 11th would be a good day to fly. The flight attendants on AWA were all wearing baseball caps with the words "Let's Roll" on them. That brought tears to my eyes. It really made me think about how fragile life is, how fast it all changes, and how we must all keep going, no matter what....
So that's what I am doing...I keep going and going...like the Energizer Bunny....with an occasional obstacle. I had major surgery a couple weeks ago and that slowed me down, but I am feeling really good, now. Just making sure that I get enough rest as I return to work in 2 weeks. But this surgery marked the end of a long-standing, serious problem I had where I almost had to die to to get the doctors to take it seriously. A female doctor finally did! No offense guys, but leave it to a woman to get the ball rolling. Then I lucked into the best surgeon. A specialist who just relocated to this part of the world, and he wasn't afraid to operate on me. I tell you, it was the best Christmas present I could have had.
Wasband still isn't showing any signs of wanting to come home, although he still wants to hang out here whenever he can. My father threatened to kill him if showed his face during the six weeks while they were visiting here. He came over the afternoon they left. And the next day, and the next day, and new year's day, too. But he isn't acting like he wants to come, and still has the DITHL look (deer in the head lights)
Anyway, even if he came out and begged me to take him back (which I don't see happening in this lifetime) I frankly don't trust him to not do that again. So, no, I don't want him back anymore. Occasionally, on the loneliest of days I entertain thoughts of what it would take for me to take him back, (if he ever should want to return) and I quickly realize that he would never do what it would take to convince me---not in a million years.
OK. I've hogged enough time on Beth's thread. Email me if you get a chance... windsurfer919@hotmail.com
But I DO enjoy all of my friends, and I enjoy spending time with just ME.
And the next day, and the next day, and new year's day, too. But he isn't acting like he wants to come, and still has the DITHL look (deer in the head lights)