Hi all I'm wondering how to respond if partner says he wants to leave... should I:
say, "Go ahead, if you want, but I can't guarantee my availability if you decide to come back" (and mean it)
Suggest calmly that if they want to work out their problems, it is better to do it together while still in the same house
Just say, "fine, just do what you need to" let them go and cop it on the chin (context: in this case the modus operandi for dealing with all problems for him is to run away and leave, usually for holidays, and not deal with the problem).
Help them pack?! (especially if a part of you is feeling angry with them anyway).
any other ways to handle it? (clearly not beg, pout, scream, etc)
Best tip I can offer is to respond in the way that best represents your true feelings.
If you fake it, and your spouse returns, then the partner is returning under false pretenses and you won't be able to admit that you lied (or if you do admit you lied, then that might push them even further away).
If you are honest and feeling angry, let them know.
It's better not to be loved for who you are than to be loved for something you are not.
Was in this situation about seven months ago when a rather unhelpful MC suggested he might need some space!
How do you truly feel about him going?
For me I didnt want him to go but quite frankly he was going whether I liked it or not, he had been given permission by the MC and that just gave him the go ahead. We orginially agreed he went for two weeks, which if I was honest knowing where he was going I thought he'd be back in two weeks screaming to be let in lol! But No he went on to get his own place and I carried on DB'ing. Only thing that needs to said is that unless you have kids which makes it near impossible is that NO CONTACT is a must. They cant see grass isnt greener if they have the old grass reminding them how awful (their belief) it is on a daily basis. I saw H for about three weekends where he could barely stay in my presence then went NC for a whole month, thats when the work started..
Try and get some thoughts down on here as to how you really feel and then we can help you some more! Im in the UK so will pop back probably when your asleep but will catch up!
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
Best tip I can offer is to respond in the way that best represents your true feelings.
If you fake it, and your spouse returns, then the partner is returning under false pretenses and you won't be able to admit that you lied (or if you do admit you lied, then that might push them even further away).
If you are honest and feeling angry, let them know.
It's better not to be loved for who you are than to be loved for something you are not.
Respond in a way that reflects your values and beliefs not your feelings. As a Coach and a former military officer I know lots of ways to change how you are feeling. Feelings are fleeting, can be manipulated, can be dysfunctional, situational and are a poor compass.
Prisons are full of people who went with their feelings. To be a great DBer you need to be able to think. Detach and look at the situation in 360 degrees. State your goals (which are consistent with your beliefs) and come up with a plan of action. If your actions work keep doing it, if not try something new. Open your mind and don't let fear hold you back from acting.
If you love your spouse and let them go. It's not lying to do that, even though you don't feel that is the best thing to do. Understand your feelings, know why you feel the way you do and take healthy productive action based on your goals.
You have a choice in how you handle things. You can choose the path of love, self-respect, healthy communication, forgiveness and responsibility for your self. Or you can choose to be a victim, make others responsible for your feelings and let things happen to you. "Love your neighbor as yourself."
Don't let your feelings define you. Let your actions which is a sign of your character. Handle it.
Cheers Coach
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
My H and I separated on 1/1/10, but he didn't take any of his things that day. He has been back several times to get clothes, a computer, and some other things. I offered a couple times to help my H pack, but this offer did not go over well. One time he said, "The last thing I want to do is ask you to help me pack my things." Another time he made a comment about my doing too much for other people and that he could do it himself. I discontinued any offers of help (even of bringing mail to him) because I didn't want to frustrate him further.
My H escapes from problems, too, but there was no stopping him from going to stay at my in-laws' house.
In my situation, my H knows where I stand on our being physically separated. I've been working on making my interactions with him authentic and avoiding pretending that nothing is wrong (tried to be positive and upbeat, and it didn't work).
One thing I haven't done is issue an ultimatum (e.g., go ahead, but I may or may not be available). IN MY SITUATION, that would have reinforced my H's belief that I behaved as if I'd be fine with or without him.
When my H and I first separated, I told him that I would do anything to make this work. I meant it, and I'm determined to make good on this promise. This means hanging in there and proving my commitment to him and our marriage. I toyed with the idea of taking off my wedding set, but then I realized that that would be sending a message that I didn't mean it when I said I would do anything to make it work.
Hi all thank you for your responses and the benefits of your experience. And I agree, coach's post should be archived! That said, coach, I do recognise the fleetingness of feelings. For instance, I know that lately things have been really tense between us as our relationship has hit it's first real crisis. I know also that in many ways, we just want space from each other. Along with that goes a lot of anger. However I realise that the anger quickly dissipates--that wanting him out of my hair is really only wanting relief from the tension, and that when this relief is over, then the real feelings come up. I certainly wouldn't fake it in order to "keep" him. I suppose I reasoned that there are certain ways to handle the situation that might be better than others. Although I have been angry recently (calmer today, we had a nice day out together, first time in a while), and so has he, I recognise that underneath the anger is a lot of hurt, sadness and disappointment, and I need to keep that in mind and not react from intense feelings. I have been asking myself the question that I saw someone on this board put to someone else, and that is, why do I want to stay in this relationship? That question is a good one, it cuts to the core of things. It makes me pay attention. He suffers terrible depression, and this affects our relationship and the way he handles problems. But when he's good, he can be really, really good, very kind, considerate and thoughtful. He will do things around the house without being asked, and those qualities are rare, I've found. I enjoy his company when he's not aggro and bad tempered. I like the way he observes things and thinks about things. And he is extremely reliable. I know other women complain about how unreliable their husbands are, but mine is very reliable and conscientious. In a way, I think that is one of the problems--being so responsible, there's a part that rebels against all that. (Hence his running away from problems and acts of real recklessness in the midst of all his reliableness!) Another reason, and this might sound like not a good one, is, well, I don't think I will meet any one as good as he is ever again. I was single for about 10 years, dated, but never really met anyone that was right for me. I don't have trouble getting dates, but it took so long to find him, and I don't want to go through all that again for so many years. I am told I am attractive and look great for my age, but I still don't want to risk it. I am in the pool of women over 40 where it is now harder to get dates. I am also in a country where the ratio of available men to women is low, especially in my age group.
Since I posted, things are calm, but I expect it to brew up again. As I said, he's an avoider, and will avoid problems or the metaphorical elephant in the room. I think I was looking for ways to think about how to respond if he says he wants out, which was hinted at the other day. I will be real and admit that I am angry too. I don't think he knows this--I've only acknowledged it myself, recently, and this has been a good thing. My eyes have opened up to a lot of things, including how I enable him and how much I excuse him, and think myself to blame for everything. It has been empowering to realise the dynamic and how it's not all me. I am looking for ways to stay true to my values. Thanks again, all Metta
Another reason, and this might sound like not a good one, is, well, I don't think I will meet any one as good as he is ever again. I was single for about 10 years, dated, but never really met anyone that was right for me. I don't have trouble getting dates, but it took so long to find him, and I don't want to go through all that again for so many years. I am told I am attractive and look great for my age, but I still don't want to risk it. I am in the pool of women over 40 where it is now harder to get dates. I am also in a country where the ratio of available men to women is low, especially in my age group.
I'm so sorry you have to go through this, and I had the same thought before I filed from my stbx-h. It might not be a good reason but it's an honest one, and to me, honesty is more important that "good."
But if you can, step back and think about it. That is, what is at risk?
I'm 40 as well, but the bottom line is what is at risk is either staying with a person who doesn't want to be with you.
Know what else is at risk? Getting away from a creep who is your husband with the possibility that you'll meet someone who will treat you will kindness and respect. One who wants ONLY you and wants the best for you.
Fear is a powerful motivator, but take a minute and realize that you are worth being treated well. Just because your husband doesn't do it, doesn't mean you aren't. If he can't see that then it's truly his loss.
It's better to be single and feel good about yourself than be in a couple with someone who doesn't care for you.
He suffers terrible depression, and this affects our relationship and the way he handles problems. But when he's good, he can be really, really good, very kind, considerate and thoughtful. He will do things around the house without being asked, and those qualities are rare, I've found. I enjoy his company when he's not aggro and bad tempered. I like the way he observes things and thinks about things. And he is extremely reliable. I know other women complain about how unreliable their husbands are, but mine is very reliable and conscientious. In a way, I think that is one of the problems--being so responsible, there's a part that rebels against all that. (Hence his running away from problems and acts of real recklessness in the midst of all his reliableness!)
Have you talked to your H about this?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
