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A Message from Michele
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Re: Will I ever be forgiven??? [Re: BigJohn] #1955524
03/10/10 02:12 PM
03/10/10 02:12 PM
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,073
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jasper67 Offline
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jasper67  Offline
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Posts: 1,073
Your thread also interests me, and I am happy that you have had a bit of an "awakening"...though I know it is probably not the most comfortable one to have.

The actions you describe: lies, manipulation, cheating, and "bitchiness"- echo those exhibited to me by my WAW. I am fully aware and understanding of the "fog" and as a recovering addict, I too understand doing things that are out of character and w/o much regard for others or for consequences.

I admire your strength in facing things at this point and that you can no longer sit comfortably w/ what you've done.

I highly reccommend seeking an IC to go over your thoughts and to seek out a plan or objective in making an amends.

I agree w/ Big John and others that I find it doubtful that there will be much of a friendship between you and XH...as I am in the same boat w/ my WAW. I don't believe I can bring myself to be friends w/ someone whom has done what she has to me. I will always love her though.

I'd be interested in reading your old posts, are they under the same username? What about your X's?


DARK
Re: Will I ever be forgiven??? [Re: Mom of 2 Cherubs] #1955661
03/10/10 04:58 PM
03/10/10 04:58 PM
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 521
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thegoodfight Offline
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thegoodfight  Offline
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Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 521
Mo2C,

I vaguely remember that sitch, I also remember your ex-h hopeing and believing things would work out. To answer your question honestly, that is between your ex husband, you and God as to if you are truly forgiven. For a long time I believed because I renounced my actions and acknowledged the hurt I inflicted on my Ex because of infidelity I should be forgiven. I also believed that because the divorce was so amicable, and it wasn't what I wanted; and I made the best efforts I could to "save" the marriage that she became the one guilty of doing wrong in the end because she said she couldn't forgive me.

Long story short it wasn't until about two months ago I realized this thought pattern was flawed. I am responsible for my past actions and I am responsible for my future actions. We get along fairly well, but it is tough sometimes, when I feel I am being mistreated or stepped on I walk away and remember I am dealing with a person I hurt very badly. Whatever I did can not be taken back it is locked in history forever, however you can apologize and show compassion and patience in the present and future.

I accepted I made a huge mistake, I apologized and even when I am "tempted" to fire back I step away or say something neutral or kind. The only thing that brings change is compassion and understanding. Try not to think of it as should someone forgive you, think of it as I made poor choices that were very damaging, I hurt my family, I hurt my spouse, but now I choose to make good decisions and put others feelings and needs before my own. It will take time but once your actions start to mimick your thoughts things start to change and all of sudden it isn't an effort you just realize that is who you want to be, not the selfish person from the past.

Best wishes to you and your ex and your new relationships. Don't make the mistake of thinking you are a lowly or an undesireable person, you messed up big, so many of us do in one way or another! Forgive yourself and start thinking and acting out of peaceful and prosperious intentions. Typically those that are not self serving. What ever you do, don't fall into the trap of thinking less of the person for not forgiving, excessive pride is at the root of most broken relationships and what keeps them from being mended. Have patience and give things time and an earnest effort and you won't be dissappointed in the results.

Peace and Prosperity!


Married:10 years
D final 8/28/08 10 minutes is all it took
Life goes on and DB was no small part in growing from the Divorce!
Re: Will I ever be forgiven??? [Re: thegoodfight] #1955738
03/10/10 06:06 PM
03/10/10 06:06 PM
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 56
New Jersey
M
Mom of 2 Cherubs Offline OP
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Mom of 2 Cherubs  Offline OP
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M
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 56
New Jersey
To All of you who have shared your thoughts here....Thank you all very much. I appreciate your advice, kind words, harsh realities, your experieinces, etc. If you want to read my sitch - even though i am very embarassed to share it - you can look under my name or my exH - hopeforfuture.

I can now understand why he relied on this message board so much for help and support while he was DBing. I hated that he was talking to strangers, it angered me so much. i told him to just talk to me - communication was an issue we always seemed to have problems with.

I do plan to talk to exH or write him a letter - not sure which yet. I need to get it out and make sure he knows just how sorry i am. I don't ever expect to be fully forgiven - i don't know if i could forgive if the roles were reversed. so i will do what i need to do and leave it at that. I will expect nothing in return. if something does come my way - forgiveness - then wonderful! if it doesn't, well then i will be able to fully move on knowing that i have come to terms and will stop beating my self up so much.

Again thank you all for showing me i am not the only that has made these huge mistakes and feels incredible regret. Thank you for making realize that i can move on and be a better person for all of this. I am glad i finally posted and asked the questions.

Blessings to you all!


Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take,rather by the moments that take our breath away.
M38,H40
M14
K D11 S8
D - June 09
Re: Will I ever be forgiven??? [Re: Mom of 2 Cherubs] #1955775
03/10/10 06:51 PM
03/10/10 06:51 PM
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 2,452
Chi-town
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dday101798 Offline
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dday101798  Offline
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Chi-town
And best of wishes to you. wink

Just to kind of echo what others have mentioned for a second: Although it may be a non-issue now, the kids will eventually be impacted highly by everything. I requested many of times with (x)W to please be considerate of them and their feelings as they will know in due time what really transpired. Of course, those requests fell upon non-listening ears when she was in 100% WAS mode and unfortunately, the damage is done. Our S11, dispite the fact that we are reconcilling and putting things back on track, carries A LOT of resentment for (x)W and that, even through the deplorable things she has done, breaks my heart to see and it's going to take a long time to fix.


Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Re: Will I ever be forgiven??? [Re: Mom of 2 Cherubs] #1956236
03/11/10 08:08 AM
03/11/10 08:08 AM
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 444
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BigJohn Offline
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BigJohn  Offline
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Joined: May 2009
Posts: 444
Mom,

I'd suggest writing the letter. Take your time and put a lot of thinking into what you want to say and how you want to say it. Write it all in a draft, put it away someplace safe then come back to it a day or to later to see how it reads. Writing a letter will be much more effective and a lot less awkward. Good luck!


M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
_______________________________
Re: Will I ever be forgiven??? [Re: BigJohn] #1956276
03/11/10 01:16 PM
03/11/10 01:16 PM
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,073
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jasper67 Offline
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jasper67  Offline
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Posts: 1,073
^I agree


DARK
Re: Will I ever be forgiven??? [Re: jasper67] #1958757
03/15/10 02:57 PM
03/15/10 02:57 PM
Joined: Aug 2009
Posts: 104
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AtTheEnd? Offline
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AtTheEnd?  Offline
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A
Joined: Aug 2009
Posts: 104
dday,

Does the xW or WAS ever apologize for the pain and hurt caused? How does the reconciliation occur? The damage done by the WAS is so great, if they think they can just waltz back into a relationship without careful consideration, I don't see how it can work. The LBS has done so much damage to the relationship as well, but the WAS should acknowledge their part too.

Just some questions.


M:39 W:37
Together: 16 years
Married: 11 years
Bomb: May '09 (ILYBNILWY)
Moved out: Nov '09
D: 10, 8, 4
Re: Will I ever be forgiven??? [Re: AtTheEnd?] #1958825
03/15/10 04:08 PM
03/15/10 04:08 PM
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 2,452
Chi-town
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dday101798 Offline
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dday101798  Offline
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Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 2,452
Chi-town
AtTheEnd,

All valid questions no doubt.

At least to my particular situation where the original WAS, my (x)W left for OP in an A, the WAS is essentualy an addict. And be it like a narcotic, or alcohol, they know deep down what they are doing is wrong and hurting others. But they are so lost and hopeless, those very same actions are what "get's them by". Most 'hard-core' addicts will lie and steal from everybody they love ane and who loves them repscectfuly just to get another fix, another bottle, whatever it may be.

My (x)W had apologized, numerous times for what she was doing, but in her mind, IT WAS THE ONLY WAY. Did it make it right? No. Did it make my hurt, our kids hurt, our family's hurt any better? Not by a long a shot. At the time did I believe her? No, not at all.

Was she in fact sorry? Yes. I can see that now. I now understand that miserable look. That lost and confused look we all so often speak on our wayward spouse's faces and in their eyes.

But like an addict again, you can be sorry all you want. But, if you're still inflicting pain upon those who love you, you may be remorseful, but certainly not truly regretful.

When the cheating WAS finds them the LBS, all on their own with no-one around, it creates the ultimate epiphany (again at least in our sitch). (x)W cleansed herself of her addiction. Then and only then did I know she IS not only remorseful, but acknowledges and regrets what she had done.

Was it just a 'waltz back in'? No. Do we to some extent walk on eggshells with each other, you bet.

As far as if you wish to reconcille with your wayward spouse, only you can determine wither or not it's a safe option. Several here who followed my story, and some that haven't, friends and family been fairly scornful sometimes of me and my decisions and rate of which things have carried out in our reconcilliation. But, it is our reconcilliation. Not theirs. Not yours.

As far as damage to the relationship, you couldn't be more spot on. When both sides can sit down at the table and list out each and everything they have done to inflict the damamge and pain upon the other, WITHOUT ANY accustion of the other party, the slate is clean. What you decide to do with it, is yours.


Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Re: Will I ever be forgiven??? [Re: dday101798] #1958833
03/15/10 04:16 PM
03/15/10 04:16 PM
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 2,452
Chi-town
D
dday101798 Offline
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dday101798  Offline
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D
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 2,452
Chi-town
And I should say, not only was my (x)W addicted to her A (not OP, they seldom ever are) she was also in the midst alcohol and drug problems.


Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Re: Will I ever be forgiven??? [Re: dday101798] #1958848
03/15/10 04:37 PM
03/15/10 04:37 PM
Joined: Aug 2009
Posts: 104
A
AtTheEnd? Offline
Member
AtTheEnd?  Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2009
Posts: 104
My spouse was in the blame stage for a long time, but now doesn't really bring up our R. She makes small talk as though we are friends (tells me what is going on in her life, not sure why), but nothing really more. If a reconciliation were to occur, I believe that both partners need to acknowledge their part in the breakdown of the M. I just don't see how it could work if this didn't happen.


M:39 W:37
Together: 16 years
Married: 11 years
Bomb: May '09 (ILYBNILWY)
Moved out: Nov '09
D: 10, 8, 4
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