Thank you for this. I subscribe to Rejoice Marriage Ministry as well as support this Ministry! They are a Blessing! I receive these each day and read them right before I go to sleep each night. I own a lot of the books as well. This was last nights and it spoke volumes to me!
So why is it that my H....who said he wanted to be on his own, not married to me anymore...wanted to get his own place so he could have the kids over...which never happened....why did he go straight to OW and move in with her if he so wanted to be alone or at least on his own...that...I don't understand?
I haven't seen him in 6 weeks...a text here and there, my son is scheduled for surgery on the 23rd and I had texted H that he NEEDED to help me because I have to go to work also or we wont survive...he said, "just let me know"...I'm scheduling the surgery, trying to schedule relatives to help w my son so I dont have to ask H....it's nothing to H cause like always, I'm taking care of it all....
I don't really care to see H right now, really and truly, I just think it crosses my mind at odd times...I did have a few bad crying days last week but I was also worried about finances, kids, wedding, graduation, etc....everything that requires cash that H says he can't get....
At this point I don't know what is going to happen except probably the divorce...he tells me most times that he talks to me that we need to move forward with it...Im doing NOTHING to help him....he can pay for it all and do all the work...I will not even go to the courthouse...my attorney said she would stand in for me that all I have to do is sign papers before she goes...of course she said we will make sure we agree before it is all done...I do really like her....
anyhow, sorry to ramble....thanks for all your input...
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
A move can be unsettling to the children, as well as to you; and you have to look at your economic situation as well to see if a move would upset that.
Also, examine any other motives you may have for this move, and only you would know what they were; I cannot "pick" them out of thin air.
Each person must do what's best or themselves; the decision, ultimately, is up to you.
I hope that worked. To speak to this above, when I really think about it honestly....I can not bare to watch him prance around with other woman, or just one woman. To have my children around that. They are too young. We are mandated in this State of ours to attend a Divorce Class and as a part of the class they shared with the both of us that a parent should NEVER have the children around another person with whom they show affections to before a years time.
I just don't know if he could do that. I don't want my kids to see that, they cry as it is now always praying to God to please heal Daddys heart, give him new eyes to see you again and bring him home, (breaks my heart)
SO, the mother in me wants to protect them from being hurt..I also don't want to DEAL with it and all the emotions that go with it..I need to focus ON ME and work ON ME and NOT always fight the daily battle in my head about HIM HIM HIM.... Always waiting everyday for his change in plans, he is ALWAYS sick and isnt available to them, etc....
I do believe he is reaping what he has already sown, bills are piling up on him..I have always worked, have always made a better living, so with him wanting to do this it has caused him to see just HOW expensive it will be... and he is always ILL....he can't catch a break he says...Im like... "DUH" but I just giggle silently on the inside and pray for him...
I have to say, I am almost 40 myself and for a woman as young as 43! WOW....do you have an abundance of knowledge and inner strength and how GOD has Blessed you! I too hope and pray someday that God will resinate in me as HE does in you! I grow more and more each day... I thank God for being my rock and my soft place to fall... What a BLESSING you are to so many of us!
Thank you for checking in on us as often as you do. I appreciate
SO, the mother in me wants to protect them from being hurt..I also don't want to DEAL with it and all the emotions that go with it..I need to focus ON ME and work ON ME and NOT always fight the daily battle in my head about HIM HIM HIM.... Always waiting everyday for his change in plans, he is ALWAYS sick and isnt available to them, etc....
I can TOTALLY understand your concern for your children. We, as parents never want to see them hurt for any reason. Like I said, the decision to move or not is up to you and you alone. You'll get it figured out; I'm pretty sure of that. He has STILL not given me an answer, I'm still thinking it's up to you, as He is silent on that. There is a question that comes up, though...What do YOU want to do, R2? It's an open field at this point; something to think about.
You DO need to focus on YOU; the emotions that go with this battle are ones that WILL have to be dealt with, and those will be waiting for you within your journey. I had to deal with them as I began mine through. It wasn't easy, you literally run the gauntlet of emotions..and at times you feel you're going crazy, but you're not; this is all a part of it.
Quote:
I do believe he is reaping what he has already sown, bills are piling up on him..I have always worked, have always made a better living, so with him wanting to do this it has caused him to see just HOW expensive it will be... and he is always ILL....he can't catch a break he says...Im like... "DUH" but I just giggle silently on the inside and pray for him...
LOL, it is OK to laugh at what they've gotten themselves into; they made this mess, now they have to suffer the consequences of their actions. But, his reaping is not done by a long shot; there's more to come as time goes on. And I see that you don't want to be around to see it.
Our son is 23, and I've watched some of his struggles, and it's HARD to stand back and watch him go through...I want to fix it for him, but I understand I cannot. He is working full-time, then coming home and looking after my husband who broke his ankle over two weeks ago, he's cooking, cleaning, housekeeping.....he has been a blessing to us both. He loves to cook, but hates to clean up...when I'm home and he cooks for us, I do his clean up for him, in return for his cooking for us. He is following, more or less, in my footsteps, strong in the Lord; many of his gifts are stronger than mine. It is as it should be though, he is young and gaining more and more in strength as each day passes.
Quote:
I have to say, I am almost 40 myself and for a woman as young as 43! WOW....do you have an abundance of knowledge and inner strength and how GOD has Blessed you! I too hope and pray someday that God will resinate in me as HE does in you! I grow more and more each day... I thank God for being my rock and my soft place to fall... What a BLESSING you are to so many of us!
I am nothing except for what God gives me to give to others. I thank you for what you say, but if God wasn't with me; I would be unable to do what I try to do each day. I'm always humble within His Presence, a product of His Grace. He gets all credit for who I am, and what I've become in a short period of time. I learned quickly, and that was more to do with me, than with Him...He allowed me access to the tools, I learned to use them. I'm not perfect, I make many mistakes, I'm a human being. I have felt many times I was not qualified to do what He's helped me to do; but I have learned that God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called...and I suspect I'm one of the latter.
You're strengthening as each day goes on; you're still hurting, yes, but His strength is kicking in to help you see your way through this.
Will check in again.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
I am doing my best each day to be still and listen. I remember when we waited three years to be able to move here. I prayed and waited and eventually God opened all the doors and made a way, it was then that I knew it was right.
This circumstance is a bit different and this is why I don't know what to do. God knows my heart and HE knows I want my H and us to be a family again, but that is not possible now, and I have accepted that.
My H is very ill as of late and it seems that he still looks to me for comfort and wants to call me and share immediately if he is on his way to the docs or whatever. Its hard as the W I want to take care of him and now all I can do is say Im sorry to hear that, I hope you feel better, let me know if I can help in anyway.. so robotical and non emotional responses. When inside I am loving him and wanting to wrap my arms around him, lay him down and rub his hair and face like he used to love and just love on him while he is so ill.
I believe he is getting sick and staying sick because of the stress, yesterday he even text me to pray for him and said you know its bad if I am asking that of you.
I wish I could go NC. This would be much better. Its hard seeing him everyday. When he decides he wants to bring dinner for everyone and we sit around and eat together like we once did as a family, he fell asleep last night on his chair as he isnt feeling well and I just found myself glancing over at him, remembering his sweet gentle nature ( THAT IS GONE) and I just prayed silently for him... :o(
I miss my H.
I'm working on myself. I go to counseling with my Pastor once a week, I go to Alanon once a week, I see another therapist about my childhood once a week, I read everynight, I am on these forums everyday (reading and learning), I have my time with God everyday, I pray all the time, I attend Church...
Sometimes I say, Look God, Im doing so well and getting so strong, please make my family right again,.... its the one thing that is missing, I have everything else.... but I KNOW HE is working on me being OKAY with only HIM and nothing else.....
We are ALL a work in progress. NONE of us will EVER finish this work until we leave this earth permanently.
The Bible says we must "strive" to always walk like Christ; and those are some HUGE shoes to fill; but He is always with us, helping us, working on us. He understands us totally, after all, He created us.
Most of all, He loves us..and because He loves us, and wants to see our growth, He allows things to happen to us to make this come about. We sometimes don't see it that way, think He's punishing us for something..but it's not that way at all.
If it weren't for the trials, etc, we experience in our lives, NO GROWTH would come about, and we would become stagnant, stuck, never changing..and life is all about CHANGE.
It's not the changing that we experience, it's how we DEAL with it that makes the difference between becoming better people than we were and the alternative...bitterness, negativity, because we ALLOWED ourselves to just lay down, and bury ourselves within the misery.
Attitude really DOES matter, regardless of what we face in our lives.
Quote:
My H is very ill as of late and it seems that he still looks to me for comfort and wants to call me and share immediately if he is on his way to the docs or whatever. Its hard as the W I want to take care of him and now all I can do is say Im sorry to hear that, I hope you feel better, let me know if I can help in anyway.. so robotical and non emotional responses. When inside I am loving him and wanting to wrap my arms around him, lay him down and rub his hair and face like he used to love and just love on him while he is so ill
Sickness is a normal and common thing within MLC; as the crisis/transition presents itself in a physical way, also. They may experience various aches and pains; get VERY sick, and that scares them badly. You hurt where you NEVER hurt before..and feel as though you are breaking apart, breaking down in body...and coupled with the pain with your pysche, it can get pretty bad..to the point you think you're literally dying. This is experienced sometime during the crisis/transition period, and there's not a certain point it happens. It will never truly go away until the tunnel is totally navigated, IF it ever is.
Quote:
I wish I could go NC. This would be much better. Its hard seeing him everyday. When he decides he wants to bring dinner for everyone and we sit around and eat together like we once did as a family, he fell asleep last night on his chair as he isnt feeling well and I just found myself glancing over at him, remembering his sweet gentle nature ( THAT IS GONE) and I just prayed silently for him... :o(
God works in mysterious ways, Round2; this is happening for a reason..if you had NO contact; you'd face DIFFERENT problems of a different nature; so deal with what you're dealing with, and ask the Lord to help you with it. He will; I was more able to deal with my husband when the Lord strengthened me..there were times I did wish he would leave..but(and this was in MY situation at the time)I KNEW with a certainty that if he did, he would NOT come back; to him it would be the "point of no return" and his pride would not allow him to crawl back to me....that was and is the core of what he is and has always been.....and they, although, they may do a lot of things, never CHANGE the basic "core" of what they are. See, even though he was "out there" I STILL knew him well. And that's what I have challenged people to remember; they may act strange and all that, but you DO know them, inside and out. And some things come back that way. That is why I've always said the LBS will KNOW what to do and when to do it, if they will JUST LOOK INSIDE themselves..the answers are there, have always been there...the confusion just covers it all up.
I know it's hard; my husband never left, so I got it all in my face; unless he was out on the road. But, be careful what you ask for, you just might get it, and it may NOT be what you really wanted; your emotional state was talking at the time you were asking.
Quote:
Sometimes I say, Look God, Im doing so well and getting so strong, please make my family right again,.... its the one thing that is missing, I have everything else.... but I KNOW HE is working on me being OKAY with only HIM and nothing else.....
God works on us in steps that match the type of people we are. He teaches people in the ways that match their learning curves..ever patient, and knows an awful lot of ways to explain things. He was patient with me; though sometimes He DID get frustrated after explaining things in a number of different ways, He knew when to "let go" and allow me to think it all through. Sometimes I had a different question, and that helped clarify what He was trying to show me. Illustrations were the people that were sent to me.
I didn't learn what I had to do overnight, and neither will you. Just continue to trust the Lord with your husband, you and your family.
Also, remember that one of the biggest lessons in all this, is learning to totally trust HIM...people will fail you, He will NOT; He is the ever present help in time of need, and He WILL take care of you and your children, meeting ALL your needs.
When you trust the Lord, you do NOT have to trust in anything or anyone else.
I'm off again to ride the roads; I had trouble getting a pickup number for a load this morning..and hoping what I got is a good one.
Have a good one, let go, let God work in this...when you let go, you don't tie His hands...we oftentimes get in the way of what He's trying to do because we think we know better than He does...and I can promise, we do NOT know any better; we don't see the whole picture; The Lord DOES.
Will check in again.
Much love, HB
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
The MAIN thing I have learned in all of this THUS FAR is that I was not living my life to please GOD but rather MAN ( my H ) and look where that got me!
It's a hard pill to swallow that is for sure as I feel sad for what has happened with my H but more so I cry when I apologize to my Father for looking to my H for his LOVE and approval rather than HIM.
I felt for a little while right in the beginning that it was Gods way of saying, " um excuse me, I think your forgetting about someone, you know the one who brought your husband home the 1st time...and now look at you all tunnel vision again with your H and not keeping ME (being Christ) as the center.
I know this is not true, I know our God is not a punishing God but I do know he is a jealous God with respect to having others/things as our gods and mine sadly was my H
Ugh, it just makes me sick to even admit that outloud as I am so ashamed of it. I know I am forgiven and there is no condemnation but it's still hard when I think about how things could have been had I NOT handled it that way toward the end...I think I was beginning to FEEL something was different with my H and I went into desperation mode maybe, who knows?
Wouldnt have mattered anyways. He would still be where he is now with or without me doing what I was doing, thats on me and this is on Him.
I was reading your post to CW and related to the feeling like the distancing was only toward me but I have realized that as time goes on my H is drawing further and further away from our children D7 and S5. He spends less and less time with them. He is what they call the Disneyland Dad and it makes me so angry....Daddy brings a new movie, their favorite food and stays only 2 hours and thats HIS QUALITY time. ARGH!!
He has stopped taking them to his apartment all together? Have no idea why? I don't bother asking.
They were going there for the first two months, my daughter has never stayed the night (she refuses and told him, "it's not normal Daddy") and my S5 stayed there only twice and then never wanted to again and now they just never go there at all... He ALWAYS wants to come here and bring the food or whatever, if he comes.!!!
He and the kids were inseparable before...I mean he was with them all the time and now it's like it doesn't phase him... For HIM TO BE OKAY with me moving to CA. with them and that he suggested it REALLy makes me wonder? How can HE BE OKAY with that? They are so young...
I know I am rambling but just feeling a bit sad again tonight as he was here again to see them, same scenario as always except tonight was only 1.5 hours...
My poor kids, they just don't understand? Still praying for my H as always and will continue to do so..
I hope you had a good day today HB. Thank you as always for taking the time to read what I am feeling. I feel very blessed to have you virtually in my life!
I've been here since September,looking back my wife was emotionally gone the nite she said numb and no feeling and from then on it was turning me out, so I went into desperation mode.
I can look into the mirror and know that I tried, but I also know that every attempt was pressure.
It might be good for you all to get away for a bit in CA. In your case distance may help the heart grow fonder.
I don't see in your thread anyone filed and from what I've seen the men come around.
Women well I could be wrong but we'll see.
Cause like you said, my wife wanted us all to be together and until she filed, divorce wasn't anything she ever said.
