5 more days till the Big D

[~Sol]

Hey Brknheart - poet is right. You're at the place I was about 3 years ago. Believe me, I thought that I could not survive this, and what I know now, and I can tell you for sure, is that it will get easier with time. Looking at your sitch you are still fresh with the D talk, separation, all of it. It's too much to process all at once, and there are thoughts of uncertainty and emotional trauma, and I'm sure you have some good days and you have some bad days. Am I close? I never thought that I would move on - and it takes one day at a time. Now I am at a point where I can start dating seriously, but still cautious about it. I tried to forgive my X too - sometimes I'm doing good, and don't have any negativity towards her, and others - well, I try to control my emotions the best I can - but sometimes it's ok to have a good cry and let it all out. Men have feelings too! But don't let it eat you up man, there is a whole world out there.

I remember something someone told me here on the boards - even though my heart was torn, I would find a good woman that would love me for me. I am getting there, and I may have that person now in my life but I'm not sure yet, the point is that I left a really-really bad and crappy M, and I'm all the better for it. I think you will be too!! You may not be able to forgive her now, and that's ok. But one day you will need to dig deep and learn to forgive in a way that you know how - so you can move on and heal.

[brknheart]

You will not forget, but you will forgive. Once you let it go, the torture will be over.

I guess forgiving in a sense that you realize you are better off without them and they did you a favor. I can see that. In my early 20s I had a serious relationship which ended in her cheating on me. I was devastated and later realized it was good that we didnt stay together. I can never forgive her for what she cheating on me though.

[brknheart]

@~Sol,

Just read your reply after posting above.

The D papers are signed, just have to wait for the judge to review them and make it official. I do have my good and bad days, the past week has been mostly bad though (1st time seeing my W in 2 mths). I hope it doesnt take me 3 years to start dating again, Im actually already starting to look around. Meetup.com is a great way to meet new people with the same interest as you. Its not a dating site, more like a real-world social networking. I look forward to weekends when I have a meetup scheduled.

Your last comment about finding a woman that loves you for who you are, I hope to find that person. My W knew exactly who I was before we got married. I am not bitter about M, I enjoyed being M. My W, she may never get M again. I have a lot of love to give and hope to find that special person to share it with.

[Wholeagain]

I think you are jumping from one hot fire into another. You need to find peace. Forgiving is not about forgetting. It is about freeing yourself from that load. Getting D, being lied and cheated on by someone you love is a heavy load to carry. It will take time to be free from it.

I hope you will forgive your xgf and your w before getting involved with someone again.

[poet]

I can't believe I'm doing this. LOL.

Brk, listen. You probably have a LOT to give and receive; your sitch was bad, bad, bad, very bad. But there are people on here who have gone through just as bad and sometimes worse.

I don't mean to minimize your pain. Trust me, I understand how much you hurt. That's the glory of this Web site. We understand each others'pain. We've all been there and some (like me) are still going through it with you.

If forgiveness is a concept you can't wrap your mind around, try reading a few posts from the forgivenss forum, namely, "The eerie story of the life of love." It'll give you a better perspective on your hurts and fears and may even catapult your journey into peace. Try it. You may like it!

poet

[Wholeagain]

I object using "bad" in relation to anyone's sitch. It's like saying someone's life is bad. Life happens. It's what we learn that makes a difference in our future.

Brknheart, what new have you learnt about yourself in the last 6 months?

[~Sol]

Hey Brk - a lot of good comments here. I too have tried meetup.com to GAL and it was fun! I am looking into other meet groups or even start one of my own where I can dig up like-minded people from out of the woodwork - I know they're around here somewhere! I tried to get right into dating after my separation, joined a local dating service and some online ones - met a few nice people, but no cigar. I am glad I didn't get deeply involved with anyone because they were really just a band-aid for me and all I really wanted was a rebound R to make me feel better - but that wouldn't be fair to the other person. So I played down my dating for a while and just went out with new people on friendly terms. Heck, I knew by then (about 2 years ago) that I was not "ready" for anything serious, and I am taking things at a slow pace - always good advice my friend.

All of us here went through some hard stuff in our M's. But there is also a lot to learn from it. I don't consider myself a hot-looking guy, but I do manage to get some dates, so I'm not a sore sight either! My self-esteem was shot back then, but when it's high self-esteem (healed) - I find that I attract good people to me. The key is the healing part - it makes all the good qualities about being you come out and shine. I'll probably say this a lot on these boards - it takes time to keep healing, but healing is what we must do first.

[brknheart]

Thanks for the comments. April 10th will be the court date for D. We dont have to show up, the judge will just sign the papers.

Let me tell you the feelings I have right now and if they compare to others here. I hate my W. Hope she doesn't succeed in life. I moved back to my home town, 3 hours away from where we lived. I never want to step foot in that town again, no reason to. Our pets were split up in the D and she has asked me multiple times if I could send pictures every so often. I said no, after the D is final, no more contact. Is that unreasonable? She has put me through hell, I need NC with her. Anyone here without kids that keeps in contact with their ex?

[ClingingToHope]

BKNHRT. If I didn't have kids I would likely have quit my job and just taken off to Florida. Now, I can't because of the girls and now I'm really starting to feel better. So maybe having the kids kept me from overreacting.

I still have a lot of days where I hate my W and we aren't even close to the difficult part of the negotiations. If she ends up with custody and I get less time with my girls than I have now that feeling will grow.

When she has good days it makes me crazy.

I hope someday I don't feel that way. Someone posted once that I will have truly healed when I not only don't hate her, but I root for her to succeed.

I'm interested in hearing what non kid divorcees have to say. If I didn't have the girls, I doubt I'd ever see my stbx. We just have vastly different circles of friends. Happily, my group is a lot larger and growing all the time now that I'm not spending 99 percent of my emotional energy trying to figure stbx out.

[brknheart]

my group is a lot larger and growing all the time now that I'm not spending 99 percent of my emotional energy trying to figure stbx out.

That is my goal, to make a good group of friends. I need this. One of my mistakes during our M was not having my own friends. We had the same circle of friends and guess who has those friends now. I considered my W my best friend. I would rather spend time with her than anyone else.

As far as figuring out stbxw, its a lost cause. I still have those moments and I hate them. I will never know why she did what she did, I dont even think she knows. My W has some deep psychological problems. Im not just saying that because of the D, she really has changed and others have seen this. Even though I feel that I dont want her to succeed in life, a small part of me hopes she get the mental help she needs. Her disorder will only get worse unless she gets help.