My Story...grass is greener (pt 3)

[MrBond]

"She worked, and still works, 6 of 7 days per week. So I dont think there was any way for her to make more money without picking up another job...and to even suggest such a thing when I was unemployed would send her into a rage."

Duh! She worked almost every day while you basically just hung around the house. She had a right to be pissed.

"To this day such an attitude pisses me off. i mean how the hell was I supposed to respond to that?"

You could have asked her what she thought and felt rather than demanding that she stay home with you and your D. If you would have made things more comfortable for her and shared in the burden of working she wouldn't have had an issue with coming home to you. Nobody wants to come home to a nag.

"The day in Nov when she told me we were over...it was because of a fight we had that morning where I wanted her to save her vacation to spend with family at thanksgiving and she wanted to go out to see the Rockettes."

Again understandable. She worked all the time and wanted a little time for herself. But you didn't and still don't get that.

"And when my unemployment does run out I do plan on getting a job anywhere. But to just take any job now that pays less than my unemployment does so that I can say I have a job is doing a disservice to myself and D3. instead of making ends meet without worry, it could turn into struggling to make ends meet."

So I'm assuming the unemployment is enough to cover things like health insurance too if your D gets sick? Or a 401K to save a little on the side for her education?

How long does this unemployment go for anyway? Shoot if I could sit at home all day and have enough money for food and essentials, I'd go on unemployment too! Pay for no work. Sounds good to me.

And to MB I was hanging around a lot...thats one thing my ex took umbridge with."

Again, no duh! You gave off and still give off the impression of an entitled, spoiled grown man who lounges around. Let me give you a little secret. Men do things. Things that show our partners that we can take care of their needs physically and emotionally. When a woman sees you as a lazy bum who nags you when you come home from work, then she's lost all attraction for you.

"On top of it angering her that I brought in more on unemployment than she did working 6/7 days per week, it angered her that I was at home all the time. She couldnt run around town with D3 or without feeling guilty for not taking me along like she did when I worked and like she does now."

I have a feeling that you made her feel guilty. More than likely you gave her a guilt trip about how long you've been sitting at home and now would like to do something with her. Not attractive. Nobody wants to come home to a needy, unambitious house husband.

Right there you showed how she loves her D because she wanted to take her out alone, but you had to interject yourself in there. She wants private time with her D but she can't because she works. She sees you as having all the time with her when she should (as her mom). Start growing up by understanding things like that.

[nsw1222]

So basically you used your first ex as an emotional sounding and venting board while still being "hung up on her" and wondered why you were unable to change anything with your current ex?

Again, you like to blame your ex an awful lot but bits and pieces about what you were doing come out and things make more sense.

My point about the unemployment was if you can't find a job now what makes you think you will find one once your unemployment runs out? Again, a perfectly reasonable question that most probably will be brought up during the custody talks.

If your ex constantly threatened you with leaving then clearly she was unhappy for a very long time. What solutions did you present to her instead of just asking her NOT to do something?

My current ex is the only ex I've been referring to in my posts. Not sure if you thought I was referring to different people or not.

And she may have been unhappy for a long time...I didnt really see it as being unhappy. She never once sat down with me in a calm and reasonable fashion said she was unhappy and she wanted to work on things. Any time she said anything it was done by screaming and pouting...essentially throwing a tantrum because she wasnt getting her way. I wanted her to stay home with her family instead of going to the bars...and it wasnt even all the time that I wanted that. I know some people have to go out and drink to relax...but once or twice a month isnt unreasonable instead of going off and having her fun while I sat at home with the baby.

As far as the unemployment goes...there may indeed not be a job once it runs out. But like I said I'm not going to go to McDonalds and work just so I can say I'm not on unemployment when it will end up causing me to not be able to make ends meet.

It sounds to me as if you were fine living in such a R because you didn't want to be alone. Because adults don't fly into rages and the other partner continue to tolerate it when there are other options.

It sounds like you didn't want to do the work then and you don't want to do it now. If she didn't want to do the work then, well, her choice and you would have had some decisions to make.

To answer your question when your partner flies in to a rage and makes threats when you express the desire to better the life of the family you either (A) request counseling with the partner (B) work to change things on your own (C) end the R or (D) choose to live in a state of unhappiness. And if you were constantly turning to your exGF #1 then you were in fact very unhappy.

As far as solutions I offered, we got into counseling briefly but she went kicking and screaming and to this day calls counselors "whackjobs"...even saying "I'm not going to go to another whackjob" when I suggested counseling in the past few months. We stoppped going because I lost my insurance and even with insurance the copays were outrageous. Had I known then what I know now I would have likely kept paying even if it did drain me of my funds.

I could have just gotten out of the house every day as if I were going to work...but I mean what the hell is wrong with that picture? I'm forced to leave my own house every day, wasting gas money and so forth, even though I have no where to go just so she can gallavant around town with D3 and because she cant deal with her own issues of jealousy and anger?

With the way she acted and reacted...she essentially reduced me to a sperm donor and babysitter.

Despite that, I would not have ended the relationship...not until D3 was much much older at least. I'm not the kind of person to just give up when times get tough. I wasnt going to end the relaitonship then because I knew what the consequences to D3 would have been and I was not going to do that to her. I tolerated it because I hoped that one day she would change...that she would go to a psychiatrist like she said she would when she got health insurance...but I think that was just talk. I mean if she considered counselors whackjobs, no telling what she thinks about psychiatrists.

And again...I think theres a misunderstanding...I wasnt turning to anyone else due to any issues in my R with my ex. That would be an emotional affair of sorts and I wouldnt do that to anyone I care about either.

Duh! She worked almost every day while you basically just hung around the house. She had a right to be pissed.

She has a right to be pissed at me...because I am unemployed? I sure as hell didnt choose to be unemployed...had therenot been a reduction in force I would still be working at my job now.

You could have asked her what she thought and felt rather than demanding that she stay home with you and your D. If you would have made things more comfortable for her and shared in the burden of working she wouldn't have had an issue with coming home to you. Nobody wants to come home to a nag.

She doesnt like to talk...it always ends up with her having me give in or else. And very few people like to live with someone who goes out all the time.

Again understandable. She worked all the time and wanted a little time for herself. But you didn't and still don't get that.

No...if she wanted to spend her vacation doing whatever...thats fine...but its not an issue worth breaking up ones family over. Of course I guess all the nights she spent at the bar, or over at her friends house starting to cozy up to the OM, D3 and I were sitting there with her and she had not time to herself. I mean it isnt as if she spent every waking minute with either of us.

So I'm assuming the unemployment is enough to cover things like health insurance too if your D gets sick? Or a 401K to save a little on the side for her education?

Actually in our state childrens health insurance is covered by the state. And I still have a savings account for her college that I've made deposits into now and again.


And no...her doing things with D3 (or D1 as she was back then) wasnt for D3...she stook her places but not in the vein of spending quality time with her. Our daughter was like an accessory to her that she took places without regard to whether she needed to or should. Even now...she'll take D3 with her to the store...but instead of letting her ride in the cart as she shops, she drops her off at the kids center. If you're gonna do that, why even bring her?

[MrBond]

"She has a right to be pissed at me...because I am unemployed? I sure as hell didnt choose to be unemployed...had therenot been a reduction in force I would still be working at my job now."

No it's a matter of perception. For one thing she wasn't pissed at you being unemployed. She saw you as a slacker just hanging around. It has nothing to do with money or work, it showed that you weren't doing anything and lacked any ambition to do something with your life. Ask any woman on here.

"She doesnt like to talk...it always ends up with her having me give in or else. And very few people like to live with someone who goes out all the time."

She didn't need to talk. It's pretty obvious. You needed to be a little more understanding. And besides, she wasn't going out all the time. It's just that you were home all the time, so when she wanted some time alone you bugged her about it. I can guarantee you that if you would have let her had a little bit of time alone and just told her something like "you need the day off. I'll take our D so you can do something for yourself." you wouldn't be here.

"No...if she wanted to spend her vacation doing whatever...thats fine...but its not an issue worth breaking up ones family over."

You're the one who made it an issue of breaking up the family. I bet you gave her a major guilt trip about it. Nobody likes living like that.

"Of course I guess all the nights she spent at the bar, or over at her friends house starting to cozy up to the OM, D3 and I were sitting there with her and she had not time to herself. I mean it isnt as if she spent every waking minute with either of us."

No but she didn't want to spend the time with you who would nag her, guilt her, etc. If you don't start realizing what YOU did wrong in the R, you're going to do the EXACT same things in your next R.

Start accepting responsibility for yourself and your own actions. Guilting her into going to C isn't going to work because that's what you've been doing during your whole R.

Start being a man and stand on your own rather than relying on your W or the State for your needs.

"And no...her doing things with D3 (or D1 as she was back then) wasnt for D3...she stook her places but not in the vein of spending quality time with her. Our daughter was like an accessory to her that she took places without regard to whether she needed to or should. Even now...she'll take D3 with her to the store...but instead of letting her ride in the cart as she shops, she drops her off at the kids center. If you're gonna do that, why even bring her?

That's her choice. And besides you don't know what they do by themselves anyway. If she took dropped her off at the kids center to play while she shopped, who cares? Maybe she just wanted to shop quicker.

And newsflash for you. Shopping with a toddler is NOT quality time. If you expect them to spend quality time while even shopping, you are confused.

At any rate, look where it's gotten you. Now she has your D half the time and you have NO control over what she does or who she does it with. Quite honestly, the more your story comes out, the more it shows why she did what she did. Start learning from that.

[CityGirl]

My apologies. I read your post like you were contacting another EX while in the R with your current EX based on the comment you shared that your mom made.

See, what it all boils down to is this. You CHOSE not to leave the R and tolerate all the things you didn't like. It doesn't matter if it was for your daughter or not. Bottom line that is what you chose to tolerate and live with. If your EX threatened to leave when she didn't get her way you would have had to arrange a custody schedule at that point. Not much different than where you are now, no?

You always say "most people" would not like this or that. Stop comparing what you *think* most people would or would not like.

IMO you sound like a homebody that is very comfortable in a reverse gender role. And there isn't a thing wrong with that. However your EX simply wasn't a woman that found that lifestyle attractive or fulfilling. Granted, she could have ended the R sans affair but either way it sounds like your lifestyles simply did not mesh. If she was unwilling to bend your way a bit and you were unwilling to bend her way a bit there is little left to do.

You chastised your EX for doing things that are fairly normal IMO. Maybe your EX feels your daughter enjoys the play area at the market. Maybe your EX felt your daughter spends so much time with adults (you never mention any friends or play dates for your daughter) that it would be good for her to socialize with other children while she shops. Nope, you go right to the negative.

I can't make judgements about what kind of mother your EX is. It does sound like she could improve but who doesn't have room to improve. IMO your EX is simply not the kind of mother you want her to be.

You have an excuse for everything. Nobody wants to hear that you can't make ends meet and nobody suggested you go work at a fast food joint. But all the days you spend at the house could be used in a more productive fashion once the chores and errands are done. Why not volunteer? Why not take an internship to network? Certainly there are events in your city for networking opportunities. None of those things would jeopardize your unemployment and perhaps might open up more doors for you than an online job search can.

There are many men on this forum who handle the majority of the childcare duties and still appear to be social and active. Why not spend some time studying their threads and see how you can implement some of that in your life?

It seems each time someobody points out something about you, you ignore it then continue to share why it is all your EX's fault.

What would be the point in staying in a R for 10-15 years until your daughter grows up if you are unhappy. What sort of example does that set? A terrible one IMO.

[nsw1222]

If she was unwilling to bend your way a bit and you were unwilling to bend her way a bit there is little left to do.

I was willing to bend her way once I realized it meant the difference between having an in-tact family or not, however that was only after she left. And despite her acknowledging my willingness to do so, I got the too little too late speech. Sure had I done it during the R things wouldnt likely be where theyre at...but I had and still have my values on living life and raising children, and to me going out and drinking after work every night when you have a small child at home is no way to parent or support your partner.

To me it was never about my bending anyway...it was about her doing whatever she wants with no responsibilities or consequences, including leaving to be with OM...otherwise when I finally was willing to do whatever to make her happy and keep our family together she would have said "ok" and came home.

What would be the point in staying in a R for 10-15 years until your daughter grows up if you are unhappy. What sort of example does that set? A terrible one IMO.

Aside from the fact that children whose parents are together but in some conflict grow up happier and heatlhier than children whose paretns ssplit up, that line of thinking assumes it would always be unhappy. Thats the kind of thinking that my ex did or is doing as well...she assumes that staying meant she forever had to be unhappy...that nothing would change...and instead of trying to fix any problems she bailed. I think had we gotten back into couples counseling instead of her just throwing her hands up in the air and saying "I give up"...we would have likely worked through our issues and came out with a stronger and happier R.

I was willing to do that, as I said, even during the R. But that requires some work...and rather than do work on the relationship, it's easier to just move on with someone else apparently.

And I've considered going to volunteer at the local food bank to take up some of my free time.

Oh and MB...it was about being unemployed with her. She wanted me to go flip burgers just to get out of the house. "Get out and get a job at McDonalds".

[MrBond]

"She wanted me to go flip burgers just to get out of the house."

Again. She wanted you out of the house. She didn't mean it literally for you to find "any" job. I don't see why everyone else can see this but you.

"I was willing to bend her way once I realized it meant the difference between having an in-tact family or not, however that was only after she left."

Ah but you weren't willing to bend before. Shows how much you need to change.

So regardless of all this are you still planning to file and get spousal support and full custody?

Somehow I don't think the judge is going to take too kindly to a person (male or female) who is just hanging out collecting unemployment to get spousal support on top of that.

[nsw1222]

So regardless of all this are you still planning to file and get spousal support and full custody?

Well it wouldnt be spousal support just child support and even that I think I would be ok without...my ex hasnt given me a dime so far to support D3 despite my having defacto primary custody and I'm ok. I mean I wouldnt wanna deprive my ex of some lottery tickets or a few drinks by getting her to support our daughter.

And no...if I sought full custody...which is unlikely to ever be granted ever anyway...if I did that and somehow was awarded it, in my state, my ex would hardly see D3. I wouldnt punish D3 by keeping her from seeing her mom, even though my ex is trying to do it to me. Like I said, the way it is now, she gets to see both of us almost every day and gets to spend roughly equal waking hours with each of us while sleeping safely and securely in a smoke and alcohol free environment.

[MrBond]

"I wouldnt punish D3 by keeping her from seeing her mom, even though my ex is trying to do it to me."

REALLY? Aren't you the one who told your ex to not come to your D's school to see her? Sounds pretty hypocritical to you.

So after you vigorously look for work online. What do you do at home? Really? Be honest? What have you been doing for 2 years?

[MrBond]

So what's the latest? I hope you didn't do anything rash.

[nsw1222]

Nope nothing rash. Sorry, I've been away from here for a few days focusing on moving on and being happy. I've minimized contact with my ex, and have thrown myself back into being a great dad and that has contributed to a significant reduction in anger and increase in my overall happiness respectively.

Supposedly my ex is going to come by this weekend sometime and get all her stuff. I bagged/boxed it all up and its in the garage, so I just have to lift up the door and she can get it and be gone.

Theres an issue with this coming easter. In the past we've spent holidays on an every other year rotation between her family and mine. My ex had D3 at Christmas 2009 as per our tradition and this Easter is supposed to be mine...however my ex doesnt see it that way and thinks we should stick to our schedule.

My L says since its a holiday the courts treat it different than a regular Sunday and are likely to give it to me given our past tradition and her having D3 the whole day at Christmas. I just wish it didnt have to come to that. But the thing is most of the stuff to do on easter(egg hunts, brunches with the Easter bunny, etc) is during the time my ex would have D3 so the day is essentially shot as far as activites should she stick to our schedule.

So I dunno how that will pan out.