He came for his visit in the morning yesterday and asked my d18 to change some stuff on his FB for him. I told him I didn't want to know what was going on and was going to leave the room. He said no..he has nothing to hide (for now). He blocked MGF and any of her friends from his FB. Evidently she was finding out phone numbers of random friends on his FB that were making innocent comments to his status or whatever and texting them horrible and threatening stuff. I guess she harrassed a 22 year old girl that was a former babysitter for exh and his exw1 all week. All I said was 'and you didn't believe me about the threats?" He said "I do now". He asked if I have heard from her and I haven't yet. I am sure I will at some point. I did say that if she threatens me or baby in any way that I will get an RO. Not going to mess around with her...she is very crazy. He showed me a text from her that said "Oh, I hear that you and SO2 are having a birthday bbq this week. She is gloating all over town about it. I am going to wipe that gloating smile off of her ugly face." What? Seriously? Yes, we are having dinner for baby's birthday, but for heaven's sake...ITS OUR DAUGHTER! I really, really hope he doesn't go back to her and she gets over this. I am really nervous.
My son is liking the new exh. He made a comment that he likes him coming around more to see baby. I said 'you like the exh that drank and cheated?" He said no..he liked this exh. I said it won't last.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
look, put it this way, "it is wonderful that you are wanting to spend more time, but we need to keep consistency with baby. Eventually you will have another girlfriend and your time will be taken up again as it has in the past, so lets keep this as consistent as possible, otherwise it will really hurt baby in the future."
idk, I'm thinking something has to be said. unless you think you can handle this, or you think your D won't be hurt when he starts coming around less.
in regards to the pool? I would say have him do it, if you think he has the ability. gosh, he owes you, not you owe him.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
I think you both are right about only coming around when he is GFless. He and I actually had a 30 minute phone call about things yesterday. He called late morning to see how baby was and what we were doing. He asked again if I have heard from MGF. Nope. He started to tell me what was happening with that and how she was still flipping out. I told him I didn't want to hear it unless she was some sort of threat to baby or myself. I did ask him if he was concerned about her and what she will do..he said yes a bit and that is why he is asking.
Then from there alot of things were put on the table that have never been before. He said he is working on himself. Although I don't believe him I said it was good. He said he admits he has a 'disease' and is going to work on getting it under control. I didn't preach about getting professional help as it seems like he isn't at that point yet. He won't listen. Somehow the DUI was brought up as well. I said I didn't care if he hated me...I turned him in because I loved him and didn't want a tragedy to happen and at some point it was. He said he understood, but didn't know why I didn't do an intervetion or something! Jeez, exh we did! You didn't care. I told him the night of the DUI I was not mad at him, but had enough. I also asked him point blank what made him cheat. He said it was the alcohol. When he is sober, he knows its wrong and vows not to do it...but when drinking he feels like he needs to have validation and looks elsewhere. Again, I am not sure how much I buy of this. On my alcoholic board they have a saying 'not all alcoholics cheat, and not all cheaters are alocholics'.
Regarding baby...I did say that when he has a gf he falls off the radar and I didn't want that to happen to baby again when he gets a gf. He assured me it wont, but I know better. He said he wants to be more a part of her life. I said thats fine, BUT I will not let you disappoint her. I told him she is my life and means everything to me. He did say I was a great mom and he felt sad that I was raising her by myself. Once again..his choices. He said that as long as I let him be a part of her life he will not challenge or take her away from me at all. I almost asked for that in writing He knows I would blow him away in court. I said it all still goes if he is drinking or under the influence he cannot be around her! No exceptions. I asked him what made him fall off the radar when he was with MGF. He said for one he felt so guilty for being with her and not doing what he was supposed to and second she gave him so much crap about coming to see baby and seeing me..blah, blah, blah. Wow exh, she is a piece of work.
At the time of our conversation he was decent. I could tell he was starting to drink or whatever, but not much. By late afternoon he was much worse. It made me so sad. He is sooooo sick and I really realized it from a nonemotional state. It used to anger me so much when he was drinking, now I just wanted to cry. Its incredibly sad the power this has over him. I know he has a choice to get help and hes not, but it has really taken him over. I haven't communicated with him much while he was drinking since he left, but hearing it made me feel so bad. It also made me vow that it will not hurt baby.
Wednesday is baby's birthday. So excited. Going to be a great week. I love her so much and she is my reason to keep my backbone!
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
sounds like a good convo you had. next time, if there is one, ask him...exH...where do you want to be in your life? what do you think you can do to get there? Do you think you should do it alone, or try to get help from people who understand what your going thru?
just a thought. I think you could really help lead him in the right direction. and whatever you do, do NOT lead him into thinking he can start an R with you again that is more than friends/co-parents. If he proves to you for at the very least 1 whole year with no gf, then maybe maybe maybe, you could take a step in that direction, if you really wanted to. I realy would advise 2 years.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
it is sad to see this. one of my best friends is in treatment, after doing so so well. she gets the crack from her dad...so insane. and suprisingly her H has not filed yet, not that he is too much better, but still I really hope things progress in the right direction.
it's a hard hard thing, addiction.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
SO2, I still have some catching up to do with you, but.....
PLEASE be very careful of any and all interactions you have with this man!! ST, I know that your heart is in the right place, but do you have experience with addicts? SO2 has been struggling with co-dependence, and it is another form of addiction that has to be broken and then diligently guarded against each day for the rest of your life. SO, maybe you are strong enough to get close to that fire and not get burned, but I know, for myself, that I'm not - just too hard. Be VERY careful to not get sucked back in - that is the most familiar dance that you know, after all. He is your EX for a very good reason. You can't fix him. Only he can do that.
I am thinking I am feeling a bit too much again. Its a tough week with baby's birthday and all that goes with that. I was actually just thinking once her bday is over I can go back to normal. Put some more distance there again. Not be horrible, but just some more distance.
I am exh's new best friend! He calls and texts constantly and spent over 2 hours here yesterday. Actually it was helpful as I had 2 different people here looking at things at my house and he was playing with baby so I could talk with them.
He asked one time if I have heard from MGF...Nope. Then were were sorta joking around about something and I said 'so is your goal exh to sleep with all the women in the community?' He became rather offended. I said it was what it seemed like and it wasn't meant to be a compliment. Yes, there were converstations that got too personal and those need to stop. They weren't conversations about he and I and an R, but mostly him joking with me about stuff and me making comments back. We do that anyway. I guess its our way of flirting. Most of the time the things that are said are not hurtful, just teasing. One funny thing, is baby was on his back and we were coming in the house. I saw a wasp in the crack between the screen and the window. I feraked out and slammed his head in betweeen the window and the wall. Didn't mean to, but it was hysterical. We laughed.
Have to admit...its tough. Right now, its role playing the family I wanted to have. Hes playing handyman around here and fixing all that needs to be fixed. Being normal. Being a dad (for now) and joking with me. He even gives me compliments about being a good mom. He could never do that before.
While all of that seems nice, I know exh..I know he is an addict and addicts are full of motives.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
Well, today is baby's 2nd birthday! I can't believe it. This has been a fast 2 years. She is the sweetest thing ever and I am so blessed to have her.
My new BFF (exh) was around alot yesterday getting stuff ready for baby's bday party. He is also my new handyman. LOL. He did a bunch of projects for me yesterday. Ok, fine. Saved me $$.
Last night he sent this text..Have to tell you guys because it was so funny. "Hey, maybe in the summer we can make a trip up to see my mom and sister. Would be a fun family vacation." His mom and sister live 2 states away. I didn't know what to say so I just said "we will see..doesn't seem like something D people do exh. Nice thought though" What!?
Ok, off to bake a ton of cupcakes! Such a good day. Gave baby a kiss at 12:48 last night when she was born. I did send a text to exh at that time too saying happy birthday to baby! I'm soft today. Alot of hopes and memories back then.
Oh, today is also exh's bday as well. They share a bday. Not going to make a huge deal about his though.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
Uh-oh...I sense some slipping on your part...be very careful.
Me too! I wonder if its the sentimental things that are happening in our lives when he does this? (Christmas, birthday)
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
He knows I would blow him away in court. I said it all still goes if he is drinking or under the influence he cannot be around her! No exceptions. I asked him what made him fall off the radar when he was with MGF. He said for one he felt so guilty for being with her and not doing what he was supposed to and second she gave him so much crap about coming to see baby and seeing me..blah, blah, blah. Wow exh, she is a piece of work.