Hello there, This is my first post on this Forum but I have been reading it for a while. I am the LBS of a 42 year old guy, we have 2 children (a son of 11 and a daughter who is 8). He left me on 1.10.09 for an ex-girlfriend from 25 years ago. We have been together for almost 18 years and married for 14 (I confirmed his affair on our 14th wedding anniversary). I am slowly getting my head and my life together - his job takes him away and between that the fact his OW lives 250 miles away I am firmly NC unless it is with regard to the children. He has the children every other weekend - collecting them from school on a Friday evening and returning them on the Monday morning - he has as much access as he wishes when he is in the area (which is around one morning a week taking them to school after making them their breakfast). The children know Mummy and Daddy cannot live together right now BUT I have insisted that they do not know about his affair with the OW. She is 42, unmarried, no job after being made redundant from hers of 12 years back in may 2009. I spend lots of time just "being" with my kids - I am as honest as i can be with them and I never berate or am rude about their Dad. My question is whether the chidlren need to know about her at this stage - my husband is quite adamant he doesn't want the children to know about her - and may never want them to know. I think the kids have got enough to deal with their father leaving let alone coming to grips with him leaving me for anotehr woman. I'd appreciate your views - my family are becoming quite verciferous that the kids "have a right"to know what their dad is up to - but right now that doesn't feel quite right to me. I am convinced my husband is in the grips of MLC and as the seeds are planted in chidhood i do not want to cast that fate on my kids ...... as you can read i am running around in circles - so i'd appreciate anyone's perspective........
Thank you
lalxx
Last edited by lalxx; 03/03/1012:12 PM.
Choose Life Me: 45 Him: 44 S:11 D:8 Met in 1992 Married in 1995 Bomb drop September 30th 2009 Divorce final April 16th 2011 exH Marries OW June 17th 2011
I am sorry you find your self here, although it is a good place to be…
That being said, IMO, your children are too young to know and while H’s motivations for them not knowing is different, he still has the right idea.
Children have a “right” to know about our lives to the extent that we share with them. They are observant little creatures and are aware of much more than we sometimes realize but even with a direct question, there are just some things that they don’t need to know until the time is right. And even then, the actual details, you might not share with them.
Keep posting your story and questions, read the resources and the archives if you haven’t, and ask any questions you want to.
It sounds to me like you are on the right path.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
My question is whether the chidlren need to know about her at this stage - my husband is quite adamant he doesn't want the children to know about her - and may never want them to know.
I think the kids have got enough to deal with their father leaving let alone coming to grips with him leaving me for anotehr woman.
I'd appreciate your views - my family are becoming quite verciferous that the kids "have a right"to know what their dad is up to - but right now that doesn't feel quite right to me. lalxx
Talking to family members about this is only going to stray your walk on this path that is really more about YOU right now than you can know.
Do they support you?
The reason for that is....most family members and well wishing friends, will steer you toward the path that causes YOU the least amount of pain. And they will try to "convince" you that IF you can just do what they want, YOU will not hurt inside.
They are not the ones walking through this fire either...
That is a choice for YOU..
They either suport YOUR decision, or you do not discuss this with them.
You are in the right place for support coming here. Read, listen, absorb, and understand your role in YOUR path.
As far as the children, they are not dumb, but your job is to PROTECT them and shield them from the monster called MLC.
Be as honest as you can be, but DO NOT divulge too much information to them. They don't need to know anything that will cause them to think less, and possibly drive a wedge between them and their Father.
There is a lot of information throughout these threads about the role of the LBS in regards to children. And I am quite certain that others will be along to give their views on this.
There are NO guarantees that your marriage will survive this.
If you are willing to walk this path, the only guarantee is, that YOU will come through this a better, stronger person.
I am sorry that you are going through this difficult situation.
In answer to your question....ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!
Whatever happens between you and "their" Father, the children love both of you. They do not need to be burdened with adult stuff at their age.
Kids are smarter then you think and in time will figure things out on their own, but they do not to have their heads filled with any type of negativity about their parents.
Your job is to be supportive, regardless of how much you are hurting right now. Your children are the priority. Remember they too are trying to adapt to this new way of life.
Tell your family to butt out and to keep their mouths shut.
On a side note, it is also probably best that you stop sharing details with your family and friends.
Should your Husband return to earth again, it becomes a very awkward situation when so many people are involved.
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
Welcome to this board. Sorry you have to be here but this is a wonderful resource and you will "meet" great people here who understand your sich and want to give you support.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
Remember that in the stages of MLC it does NOT go 1,2,3,4,5,6 but can get all mixed up and repeat itself and have more than one stage at once. Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
I also suggest that when you read the resources you read the entire thread not just the main posts. Also you can read some people threads start to finish. It is very helpful. You can view all their posts by clicking on their name.
I would say "NO"...resounding "NO". They don't need to know and it has affects down the road. They will know something is wrong or different.....children are magical that way. They just don't need their innocence ruined at this point.
Wow guys thank you all from the bottom of my heart!
I have only a few non negotiables and have had since he left - I didn't know it was a MLC unitl early January 2010 when I found a few Forum and starting to put the pieces together. My non negotiables (in no particular order) are:- 1. the kids do not need to know about the OW 2. I have no intention of seeing or being in touch with the OW 3. my husband's contact with the children needs to be regular and consistent 4. My husband is welcome to join me at Counselling anytime 5. The children's home is sacrasanct
I have since added:- 1. I will look hot and play it cool with my husband - this has morphed into (Detach - Detach - Detach) 2. I will get financially independant really quickly 3. I will put some space between us (D-D-D) 4. I will put myself first and protect the kids from the fallout 5. I will heal myself
Every day is a school day isn't it and I ahve been astounded at how kind people (some complete strangers) who have shown care and thoughfulness towards me since my husband has left.
I write everything down in a journal and I have whittled who I speak to about my situation to a couple of friends - mainly I seek support from reading on the internet and friendships struck in the ether via Forum like this one.
I am still finding my way around this Forum - I believe I have seen "children" presenting themselves with my husband in the last year - so any threads discussing this would be really helpful.
Thanks you all for your thoughts - it is good to know my instinct was the right one.......
lalxx
Choose Life Me: 45 Him: 44 S:11 D:8 Met in 1992 Married in 1995 Bomb drop September 30th 2009 Divorce final April 16th 2011 exH Marries OW June 17th 2011
Think what this knowledge is doing to you. How are you handlig it? AND you are an adult.
Why would anyone think burdening children with that is a good idea? You can barely handle it. And children are even better at taking on responsibility that is not theirs.
"Did daddy leave because of me?"
Your Family? Be firm, your kids, not theirs. 11 and 8 not even close to a good age for them to be told the 'truth'.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
