seperated a year

[hanging in there]

I have access to his account online. He continues to tell me he isn't contacting her and its over. Of course I can't believe him so I check in every few days or so. His relationship with her has been strictly phone and computer since she lives in Canada. So I guess on that point I have it a litlle easier than others.

I think I'm going crazy now. For a year now I would have given up anything to have any kind of communication with him. Since going NC and pulling away from him I find myself not wanting to just have meaningless chat about his work or whatever else is going on in his life. Today he texted to ask if I knew the cook at our favorite restaurant opened his own business. I was polite and said yes went there the other day. He then proceeds to talk about eating there today and how he never went back to the old place because the food was bad.

On one hand I am happy to see him making contact and I understand it is baby steps but I'm also at the point were unless he wants to talk about the marriage, divorce or the kids I don't have anything else to say. I still do want my marriage to work so if that means listening to the other crap for awhile longer I will. At least its a start so we will se but I'm also not expecting anything more at this point.

Has anyone felt this way?

[newmama]

I have access to his account online. He continues to tell me he isn't contacting her and its over. Of course I can't believe him so I check in every few days or so. His relationship with her has been strictly phone and computer since she lives in Canada. So I guess on that point I have it a litlle easier than others.

first, no wonder you are checking! very good- does he know yet that you know he is lying?

second, you do NOT have it easier! emotional affairs are just as damaging!

On one hand I am happy to see him making contact and I understand it is baby steps but I'm also at the point were unless he wants to talk about the marriage, divorce or the kids I don't have anything else to say.

this is so good- I mean you are at the perfect point to do NC!

I still do want my marriage to work so if that means listening to the other crap for awhile longer I will. At least its a start so we will se but I'm also not expecting anything more at this point.

No I think you should not talk about other crap...I am going to try to send a couple helpful vets over to your thread but here is an excellent thread I think for your sitch because her H won't admit his EA and she is doing no contact. Wade through toward the end and find the excellent NC letter !:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1924132#Post1924132

[Lotus]

Hi Hanging,

Newmama asked me to check in with you and see if I had any ideas. A year is a long time for him to stick to his determination not to come back. I saw a really good movie the other night about different approaches to infidelity, called "The Women" with Annette Benning and Meg Ryan. It portrayed the attractiveness of a woman seriously getting a life.

My instinct tells me that both of you were inconsiderate of each other while you had the relationship, and while you are separated, perhaps neither of you has made significant changes. When I think of married people, I think of bookends that can't stand alone, but when put together, one supports the other. Where one person zigs, the other zags to fill in the space. If I were you, I would start going to a counselor to get some direction in my life. And let him know, as a "oh, by the way, I am working on making myself a better person" off the cuff comment someday. No need to discuss particulars with him. But maybe it will help to break down the wall of determination never to go back to the same old, same old. Perhaps he will think, "if she was nicer to be with, I could live with her again." And then be that better you. Maybe it will attract him to flit around you, like a moth to a flame. And if it doesn't, well, then you are likely to attract a different moth, and that will be better than sitting home waiting for nothing, too.

[hanging in there]

NM yes I have told him I know he is lying, but refuse to tell him how I know. I read the post and I'm considering using the NC letter.
Lotus even though we have been separated a year it has only been the last 5 or 6 months that he has said he is done. Up to that point nothing was really discussed, too many hurt feeeling on both ends. A lot of craziness on my end but also a lot of mixed feelings and anger on both ends.

I sometimes get the impression he wants to be friends. For the last month or so we have been talking as friends but most contact has been made by me. He would talk about things that were going on with him and his life neer asking about me unless he knew I was going out then it was to make comments about "I hope he makes you happy". Then after a week of friendly chat no R talk whats so ever he would say things like I'm not coming back home nothing has changed.

I'm to the point that nothing I have done has worked so I'm giving NC a true chance and working on myself. I can say I do feel better and in control for the first time in a year.

[newmama]

he would say things like I'm not coming back home nothing has changed.

So you might want to consider what Lotus was telling you!

About NC...there is another option, called Plan A but it is usually followed by NC.

Plan A is where you expose the affair but also bust your butt making improvements for yourself and in areas where your H complained, you never pressure or talk about the R, you are happy and fun, GAL, mystery.... the whole shebang.

The point of it is to let your H see the changes you are making, but you really must make changes that you want or else it will come across as fake, and if you D, it will have been a waste of your time! But if you make the changes you want (or need) and still D, you will be more improved for the next relationship!

Ok well then after a period of time (www.marriagebuilders.com and Dr. Harley's book "Surviving an Affair" explain all this in great detail) you then submit the NC letter. I really like the one in mb28's thread because it is so positively stated and won't turn off the WAS but also lets you establish your boundaries.

You are not doing NC now....but I get the sense that you think it is a good idea to get on your H's good side. So if that is the case, then consider Plan A. I think it's only supposed to last 2-3 months though!

No matter what you do, stick to the strategy. A bad NC makes things worse! So if you NC do it all the way. If you can't, do another strategy "all the way!"

[hanging in there]

Having a hard time this morning. Feeling hopeless, even though it seems like H is trying to be friendly, I just want more. This has been a long road, even though it has only been the last 6 months or so that have been really difficult.

I have heard it all from him
-its over never coming back
-nothing has changed
-I love you but I'm not in love with you

I have made small changes during these last few months but was only doing this half way. Maybe Lotus is right too much time has gone by for anything to matter.

I have been his friend through out this and have been there for him whenever he needed money or other things. We have not ML in 6 months before that we would see each other every couple of weeks when he would come over to visit the girls and we would end up together.

Our relationship was for the most part a good one. We both took each other for granted and lived seperate lives. This is when he started playing on the computer more and found a woman in Canada and started an emotional affair with her. He claims it is nothing. In the beginning he did say it was wrong and he shouldn't have done it but still contacts her.

His main complaint about our relationship was he thought I put other men before him or spent too much time talking to other men. These men were a coworker and my boss. The coworker is a teenager who looked at me as a big sister we woiuld discuss his relationships and work. I never hid anything from my husband.

he also brings up things from the past when we were dating we used to go play darts. I am a very social person so I would go talk with friends instead of sitting by his side. Never thought too much of this.

I see now how while it was innocent it was disrespectful in his eyes. I can't take any of that back. Since this has all started I have stopped talking to the coworker because I know it really bothers my H. So I have changed but he refuses to see it. He also claims he was only doing what I was doing. Doesn't see it as cheating. I saw the texts between them it was more than friends.

I don't know maybe it is too late. I don't want to sound like I want to give up but where do i go from here

[Greek]

I sometimes get the impression he wants to be friends. For the last month or so we have been talking as friends but most contact has been made by me. He would talk about things that were going on with him and his life neer asking about me unless he knew I was going out then it was to make comments about "I hope he makes you happy". Then after a week of friendly chat no R talk whats so ever he would say things like I'm not coming back home nothing has changed.

What do you want? Do you want to be his W? Do you want the same M your had before or a better one? These are important questions to answer. Get busy mulling that over.

I'm to the point that nothing I have done has worked so I'm giving NC a true chance and working on myself. I can say I do feel better and in control for the first time in a year.

Working on yourself - growing through this calamity - is the best thing for you to do now. It's what you MUST do, actually, b/c if you don't whether you reconcile with Mr. Hanging In There or move on to the next man, you'll be faced with the same matters at hand now.

Grow.

Greek

PS - Don't just HANG in there. STAND TALL.

[hanging in there]

Greek,
Thank you I do still want to be his wife. Just had a mini meltdown. I received a phone call from a bill collector saying he put me down for a reference. I texted him the message and asked please don't put me down for references without checking with me first. Then went down hill from there. Told him to give her number to them since she is the one he talks to more.

Then I told him I wouldn't be a back up plan in my own marriage and as long as he is still talking to her we can't work on our marriage. I stated that I have changed the things that bothered him and have tried to be his friend throughout this. Only to have him continue to turn to her.

I stated unless it involved our girls or his support that there is no reason to talk. I said you can't pretend we are friends. I won't be the third wheel, a marriage is for 2 not 3 people

I feel like I over reacted but I'm at a loss. I guess since I put it out there and stated the boundary of NC I now must go through with it. At this point I don't see what I have to lose.

[Greek]

Thank you I do still want to be his wife. Just had a mini meltdown. I received a phone call from a bill collector saying he put me down for a reference. I texted him the message and asked please don't put me down for references without checking with me first. Then went down hill from there. Told him to give her number to them since she is the one he talks to more.

"I will not be a reference for you."

Then I told him I wouldn't be a back up plan in my own marriage and as long as he is still talking to her we can't work on our marriage. I stated that I have changed the things that bothered him and have tried to be his friend throughout this. Only to have him continue to turn to her.

"I have decided that I do not want to be in an open M. If you will not stop all contact with OW, I do not want you."

I stated unless it involved our girls or his support that there is no reason to talk. I said you can't pretend we are friends. I won't be the third wheel, a marriage is for 2 not 3 people

Too much talking. Let these be your ACTIONS. He'll 'hear' this loudly and clearly when you enforce this boundary.

I feel like I over reacted but I'm at a loss. I guess since I put it out there and stated the boundary of NC I now must go through with it. At this point I don't see what I have to lose.

Dignity. Self respect. Time that you could be healing rather than poking your finger in his eye. You have plenty to lose here. You've already lost him, honey. Sure, he may come back but right now, he is gone. Save yourself.

Greek

[hanging in there]

I do tend to talk too much and he knows that. In the past I have tried to state boundaries and would flip flop. Like you said he is gone and now I have to let my actions speak for themselves.

I just sent my last test stating what you said about if he doesn't stop contact with her I do not want him in my life anymore. He continues to deny he is talking to anyone.

Need to get refocused on me and my girls.