Lance is right. What you are seeing is the mask and it is very hard work for them to maintain and keep it from slipping in front of the people they're trying to convince that their life is now a bed of roses.
That haunted look you described is very hard for me to look at. You can practically see the inner turmoil.
I have a hard time looking at my H too. It's hard getting past the fact that he seems to think his selfishness and entitlement are perfectly justified and should just be accepted by all parties.
Why do you think that your H wants you to be at the client meeting so bad? Is he starting to doubt his ability to bring them in?
I don't envy you the car ride and will be thinking of you. Good luck in securing the client! I have a feeling you may be doing more of this...
Hey, Mila. This was my first thought at that part of your post as well. Is is possible that your H wants you to look more closely at his side of the business so that you can take over more of it? As if you're not already swamped with your own work and trying to cover his as well!! I sure hope that's not the case, but I can see that it could be in his little MLC mind!
Best of luck with the meeting. I'm sure you'll do great!
(((Mila)))
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
You already received the suggestion of securing some sort of legal advice so I will not touch on that. All I want to say is….
Quote:
but you are navigating your way through this with grace and intelligence
This ^^^^ is YOU Mila..I would also add dignity to the above.
That Mila is how you have dealt with all of this. Take a minute if you will and be proud of yourself!
((((hugs))))
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Just my perspective here, which tends to run a bit cynical, but here is what I see in what you wrote, and based on my own experiences with this sort of thing to date...
1. The reason he sounds confused is NOT so much because he is actually confused, but because he is planning 2 different lives at the same time.
A) There are the things he thinks he is going to do with OW and the next 30 or so years of his life. When he moved out, he made the FINAL decision (in his head) that this is what he was going to do. He already went through tons of thought and DECIDED that he will change his life to OW. But in reality, as he found out, you can't just decide this, nothing is final, nothing is so simple. (He found out that he still loves his family and his house and his business/money. She loves her children in another city. And so on.) And they are not established yet, so he can't live/say/do them yet. They may never establish. But right now he STILL thinks he is going to do that other life, and working on it. (it has nothing to do with you, you can't do anything about it, THAT is the selfish MLC/depression/obsession/whatever his problem is in his head speaking).
B) There is also the life he had with you (and everything still associated with it like house, kids, business). He thinks he will move on from those things, or change the way he deals with them in his new life, but since the new life is not all worked out yet (and may never be), he is hanging onto the old life too. And he sincerely misses some of that too, and has found that he doesn't want to let it all go. But he made such a mess of his/your life that he doesn't know how to fix any of it either, and how can you forgive him, and what will his friends and family think of him if he doesn't follow through now, and so on.
A and B CONFLICT!!! He has to keep saying one thing to OW, another to you, and hope that his life will find it's way to happiness for HIM. It is extremely selfish and irresponsible but he does not see that or he no longer cares (for whatever reasons, his internal problems). Not confusion, but irrational to us, nonetheless. Does that make sense?
2. Re: email about D - be careful. The courts look very poorly on interference with visitation with children. IF (and just IF) you go to divorce, then many financial and visitation things will have to be worked out. You don't want to look bad in front of the lawyers and/or judges as having been the bad guy about letting D see her Dad. I know you're not, but it could be seen that way if he keeps documenting like that in emails. I know it may never even come to that... but I can see it Mila, so it's there. My advice, yes actual advice today, is that you establish visitation for D and your WH for now. For example, every other weekend and one night a week. Or whatever you agree to. I know it applies more to kids under 16 then over, but it will protect YOU. If WH is out of town, you have the option to acquiese and offer him different times in exchange. Or to say, hey buddy, you missed your date with D, that is too bad! My 2 cents.
Mila, I say protect yourself financially, however you need to do it. Over the past year, I have read many sitches on here that end up in financial ruin while "standing" for their marriage. I never wanted a divorce, but I sure as he#l wasn't going to sit around and watch him and his little OW cheat me out of what was rightfully mine. I filed 1 1/2 months after finding out about the affair and I have never regretted it. I've been divorced 3 months and can honestly say I've never been happier. I thought many, many times about the possibility of remarriage, but I don't think so at this point in my life.
Please, protect yourself.
Me 55 H 49 Married 21 years No kids bomb 5/09 filed 7/09 divorced and moving forward 5/10
Our weekend getaway was great....totally unplugged and let all the negative thoughts out of my mind....hardly thought of HIM at all. When we came back my GF made a very nice B-Day dinner for me, it was just the four of us 2 moms & 2 D's....had a very nice celebration with cake and champagne. H texted me a Happy Birthday with a smiley face also sent me birthday wishes on Face book and called me at night to wish me Happy Birthday and ask how our trip was and what we did.
....well that was yesterday....today I had a business meeting with him....2 & 1/2 hour meeting ... and that was awful. I was very realistic about our situation....and bluntly told him everything that needed to be said about our financial situation, about his work habits, his time away, that his "meditating" will not save the business and unless something drastically changes very soon the business is facing bankruptcy....
It wasn’t a pleasant discussion....he felt that I was accusing him and blaming him, got angry with me, I got angry, then I cried......not sure if we solved anything....he is just not getting it and every time I brought up an issue....like him being out of town every month for 2 weeks, he would get into defensive and start arguing with me that it’s not true....that he is not away that long. When I asked to please inform me as his business partner when he is leaving town and coming back so I can plan appointments....he would say that it doesn’t have any impact on business and he doesn’t seem to think that he should tell me.
Many things were said back and forth....He was arguing that every time he is away with OW he is "working hard" I asked him to recap to me what he did in the past 2 weeks when he was away...he got angry and shot back that I should have been doing more marketing....of course that got me angry....how dare he... I'm a single mom now stuck here with everything...personal and business while he is living his fantasy life and he tells me that I should do more?????
To make a long story shorter....he is not giving me any help, idea's or answers, he just wants to continue in business as before and hope for the best....said that he doesn’t have a plan B....and said that he “believes” that it will turn around....when I asked HOW? he would say “I don’t know” but I have to believe that it will. And that my problem is that I don't believe...I'm apparently negative.....
I'm certainly not negative....I stayed working with him...how many other abandoned spouses would want to do that....and I've been hoping and praying and working hard since he left in January.....
I told him that I need more then to "believe". I asked him to give me a proposal how he plans to increase business....that I’m willing to give it a last push if we could make a concrete plan of action. He said that he “won’t be making any proposals to me”....finally we agreed to meet tomorrow to talk about a plan......
Don’t know if I accomplished anything by unloading....because I did unload....just dumped all the frustration, stress, hurt at him....not good DBing....but I don't care....it will either shake him up or send him deeper into his tunnel. I even said that if I wasn't dependent on the business, I wouldn't care if I ever see him again and that it would be easier if he moved away to be with OW.....To that he replied "What do you want me to do? Jump off the bridge?....that would be easy to do"
I’m so stressed out right now....need to calm down and pull myself together and go to dinner at his dad’s in couple of hours.....
Hope everyone else has a nice weekend....
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
I'm so sorry that a weekend that started with such promise crashed and burned. It seems to be the way for most of us LBS's. You said what needed to be said, whether or not it was pleasant to hear. CYA at all times. He's left you to do the hard work and make the hard decisions, so do them with your own best interest in mind.
Do you have time to take a little drive before going to your FIL's- all alone. That usually helps me calm down. If not, there is always Xanax.
Mila...first, I want to say that I am so glad that you had a great getaway and a good brithday!!!!
Originally Posted By: Mila
....not good DBing....but I don't care....
In my opinion...a bad business partner needs to be talked to like a bad business partner which is what your H is right now...and that is ALL he is so I wouldn't worry about DBing with him during a business meeting! Tomorrow...try to go in to the meeting looking at him as just a business partner and nothing more. If this person was not your H...how would you act? What boundaries would you set? This is your business and your livelyhood!!!
Good luck with the meeting tomorrow and I am sending you strength vibes!!!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
That meeting must have been very difficult for you. You have a very, very difficult row to hoe since WAH is your business partner too. I can't imagine how difficult that must be. It sounds as though he is REALLY in denial.
Since H is so defensive, just wondering if it might enhance the productivity of your meetings with him if you could communicate on your most difficult topics in writing? or possibly each prepare lists of things you have done for the business since the last meeting to present at each meeting? or meet in a public place to help keep things calmer? You may already be doing all of these things, but I was just thinking that if H actually tried to write a list of things he's done, it might dawn on him that he is not pulling his weight.
Just curious.........does H have something to fall back on if (God forbid) your business accounts dipped for awhile? I don't know all the details of your situation, but it seems as though H hasn't really suffered many consequences for his actions to this point.
