I had a quiet day yesterday. Did email the Father's Day wish and received a "Thank you" text from H. He was also asking to take D to her practice...but she didn't have one. That was his way to try to see her I guess. I feel for him in his little apartment all alone on Father's Day.
It's the holidays and birthdays that they must really notice how alone they are....without family to share with .....
I didn't talk to D about FD, didn't tell her that she should spend time with him...just left her be to do whatever she thinks best under the circumstances. All she did is wished him Happy Father's Day on Facebook.
OW's H called me with an update...OW is now cut-off from the house...the live-in nanny took over the childcare & cleaning & cooking. Her H said that she is starting to realize the consequences of what she has done. They talked on the phone 2x last week each conversation about 1 1/2hrs. She is still claiming that she is in love with my H....and has no choice...but is extremely depressed and unhappy....
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
CW - I'm doing surprisingly well. Still upbeat and ready to live again with the occasional cloud of sadness.
Wished Happy Father's day yesterday to my FIL. Received a very nice reply thanking me and saying that he was thinking of D, trying to imagine what she must have been feeling on Father's Day. That pretty much tells me that he is not impressed with his son at all. He didn't mentioned if he had heard from WH.
Talked to my mom on the phone...thinking of going to see her to break the news...don't want to do it on the phone. Going to check flight tickets today.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
H ignored my boundary and bullied himself into the house again to see D.
We had this conversation more then once before. I asked..."I don't mind if you come over to see D, but please call me and ask if it's convenient". He has always protested this and thinks that he can come here anytime he wants to. We even talked about it at the counselor's office. H told her that he thinks he has the right to come anytime, because he is paying for the house. Well in that case I'm paying for his apartment and I don't have any privileges to go there. The counselor even told him "It's her space now, you have to respect her privacy".
Today I'm talking to my D in her room and she takes a call on her cell. I just hear "You mean right now? I have some friends coming over now". She wasn't trilled. After she said "dad is on his way here". Couple of minutes later he rings and when I opened he said "I'm here to see D" and walks past me to her room. I was kind of peeved off because he didn't call me to ask, so I said "next time see her in your place"....The look he gave me was scary...full of anger or hate I thought. If I had more presence of mind I would have said "next time please call me before"...But I've said that many times and he just doesn't care...does what he wants....no respect for my wishes whatsoever. He talked to D for about 10 min and then he left, slamming the door on his way out...didn't say bye....
Am I being unreasonable? I really didn't set any firm boundaries accept for this one and it seems to be the one that we can't agree on. Would it kill him to call me and ask "can I come over?" That's common courtesy, isn't it?
I have been thinking why is this important to me. I think because everything in my life was violated by his actions and the only sanctuary and safe place I have is my home. I feel that I'm in control here and he keeps trying to take that away from me as well.
I'm thinking of writing him an email about how I feel about this....
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Oh, Mila, I feel for you! My H is respecting the only boundary I've set -- call before coming over -- but if he didn't, I had decided that I would change the locks (or rather the codes). I know I have no legal right to keep him out of a house that is half his, but I also know he wouldn't escalate to court. It would only tell him that I was serious.
I would simply email your H and explain what you want again, directly and clearly. If you can handle the fallout, you can say that you will change the locks/codes, if necessary. Let him go to court for access. He probably won't.
I really feel for those here whose H's continue to act like a$$es after leaving their families. I'm sorry, Mila.
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
Mila, I don't blame you for being upset. What are your laws about changing the locks? Your H acts like he entitled to do whatever he wants.
CW has a point that maybe it really bothered your H that D didn't spend any time with him on FD. Maybe he should have thought of that before leaving his family for ow.
Sounds like the consequences of his actions are starting to get to him.
I would be upset too. Especially the rude way he treated you when you let him in YOUR house! I mean, he should have been more respectful to you while there. Maybe he was upset that he hadnt heard from your D yet...maybe like SA said....the consequences of his actions are starting to get to him.
I would write the email too, but I would also have to think, would it do any good especially since you have both discussed this at counseling and he still isnt respecting your wishes...
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
You all seem to agree that I'm not being unreasonable asking him to call before he comes and "visits". I do agree that he is upset that D didn't see him on FD and in general for not being able to see her at his convenience, because she has a busy teenage life and there is not much room for an absentee "dad". I know that few times he would want to see her but she would decline, had to work or study for her finals or had plans with friends. He probably felt that the only way he can see her is if he barges into the house.
When we were at the counselors we talked about him seeing her more often. He said "well she is a teenager....you don't spend any time with her either". I said yes I do, every day....I have meals with her, I drive her everywhere. I spend quality time at the stables with her, I'm there when she has friends over, cook for them...(clean after them lol). I'm the one that she comes to when she wants to talk.....yes I'm big part of her life. And he has to schedule an appointment with her to see her....it was his choice to leave...what did he expect? Probably didn't think this through and now the reality hit him hard and as usual he takes it out on me.
You know a month ago I would have been crushed and would cry over yesterday's exchange...today....I was upset with him, but I'm OK, didn't bring me down....he is being an as* right now, but I try to look at it from his side, and see how desperately he is in trying to keep some kind of balance in his life....fighting for control.
We, his family, are still his anchor, if he consciously realizes it or not...and he feels that he is loosing that and is trying to hang on.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
It never ceases to amaze me, this is so much like what happened to me. It's like WHs, they think in their minds that their lives will be exactly the same, except that they discard us as their love-interest and replace us with another person. They picture that the house, the control, everything else stays exactly the same, and that we will then co-parent with them and do the "jobs" they need us for and otherwise fade into the background. When they are "nice" to us, it is sometimes because they are trying to persuade us to agree to doing that. Does that make sense?
Then we have to deal with it. Not just the emotional betrayal, but the whole sitch, we have to essentially "teach" them that no, it is not all going to be the same except they add OW to their lives. They are NOT a family anymore.
They gave up that right, and hurt their family greatly in the process.
They must learn that, or 1) there is no chance for real reconcilation because they don't realize what they are loosing, and 2) we have no chance at going on living dignified lives if they don't respect the boundaries
The house access is tricky, I think technically they have the right to come and go because it is still the matrimonial home. Be careful changing locks because it could look bad in court (if it came to that some day). I'm sure he knows both. I'd ask a L what to do if I were you, for what that's worth!
