I disagree on the no touch thing. It was instrumental in bringing my DH back from his EA a number of years ago. However, she has to initiate it. And she may.
You're doing a lot right.
Wonder if you know OMW enough to introduce her to DB? Wouldn't it be ideal if both sides were getting busted?
What I didn't read in this sitch is what caused the distance in the first place. Were you emotionally unavailable? If so, detaching may not be the best. We you too needy? Then GAL works well. Etc. You must have some insight, although you may not agree with what she's done, feelings are feelings and are neither right nor wrong, they just are. And her feelings are that her needs were not getting met. What were those needs? That, my friend, will be the key to getting her to reattach.
Emotional unavailabilty is probably a good call during the period in 2009 when I was feeling depressed. Thats when W hooked up with OM.
Since then I was probably too needy after finding out about EA and since W left have begun LRT. IF relationship with OM ceases then I would look to do a 180 & think about meeting needs etc. Not sure being in a competition with OM would have been a good idea coz W is obsessed with OM & he is reciprocating but now that OMW knows the dynamic of the situation could be changing.
Willing to listen & learn from advice of others though!!
If you were depressed and unavailable and then desperate and clingy to have her not leave. The 180 would be strong, independant! Needy is not attractive except to the person that wishes to control someone. You know what you are doing, you have a handle on this. Positive, independant, caring & loving father who is not walked on by a cheating spouse, who does not have her head on straight!
Married:10 years D final 8/28/08 10 minutes is all it took Life goes on and DB was no small part in growing from the Divorce!
Thanks for your comments - looking back, I do see I have made progress & realise that impatience is the enemy but sometimes the urge to make more progress faster is overwhelming. Thats why coming to a forum like this helps so much. Sometimes being told to do "nothing" seems counter intuitive but as witha a lot about DB it seems to be the right thing to do.
I have learned an awful lot about myself in a very short space of time & also rediscovered my self confidence and belief in myself. Glad I found this place & DR book.
Oh how I hate handover day! S12 was feeling down all day, more tears of anger & frustration, all he wants is to be part of a family again but is scared of what the future will bring. Trying hard to reassure him but can only tell him I will do my best for him & his B and there are no guarantees that we will ever be a family again. At S12 request, called W to advise that he wanted her to pick them up, rather than be dropped off at W. house or meet at a neutral venue. (He has said again that he only has one home and W. has a different house) W got annoyed & spoke to S, tried to influence him but S stood firm & reiterated what HE wanted. W then started to argue when I said that in future I wanted boys to stay over on Sunday of my weekend to avoid a "grey day" leading up to handover (I had previously allowed her to take them on alternate Sun to facilitate Monday school run). W then stated that she wanted Wed in place of The Sun - I refuesed & she accused me of trying to "steal" extra nights until I pointed out that it was only reverting back to the agreed 50:50 & I was putting boys feeling 1st. W hung up, then called back 15 minutes later, apolgised & said that she had thought about it & did I want to keep them overnight tonight. I refused on the basis that we had already agreed & told boys what the arrangements were for tonight. She came around on time, was civil & we both told them that in future alternate Sundays would be overnight stays. It's difficult to work out what is in her head, her initial reacion today was to be totally selfish about boys then did a 180 & was very caring about boys needs. Difficult to work out & also she did not look like a woman that had been told by the OM that things were over but what the hell! At least I now have another night with the boys every 2nd weekend!! Also it will meen that I see W face to face even less - how will I be able to tell if LRT is working or not?
Seeing her less right now is not a necessarily a bad thing. If you talk to someone on a daily basis you are less likely to notice "change." Give things time and patience and you may find this as an opportunity to show big changes. Anything will be more noticeable without daily contact. Hang in there, look at it from a positive perspective if you can.
Married:10 years D final 8/28/08 10 minutes is all it took Life goes on and DB was no small part in growing from the Divorce!
Although I am trying hard to detach, days like today bring back all of the feelings of hurt, anger and frustration that there is nothing I can do to improve the current situation. I know in my heart that I am doing the right things and that I am striving to achieve the best for me & my kids in the long term. However, the fear & hurt in S12 eyes when he said he just wanted to be part of a family again ripped my heart out.
As I will now have limited contact with W it will be increasingly difficult to gauge what is happening about the A. there are only phone calls & occassional meetings over boys. Meanwhile W just seems to be making herself "happy playing house", which seems to me to be an effort to demonstrate that she is "moving on". I can only hope & pray that OMW is working the problem from the other end and keep waiting to see what will happen
Everything I have read or heard points towards the OM ending the A. but it is also clear that W intends to pursue the A. & believes she is Cinderella. The slowness of the whole process is killing me and causing a lot of self doubt over how I am playing this situation, particulalry the "loving" part of "lovingly detach" - how do I know I have the balance right and W does not just take the current actions as a signal the I do not care any more?
Balance, my recommendation would be to view it from a "me & mine perspective." The pain children go through tears at each of us and it is difficult. I won't kid you, exchanges to this point still are challenging at times. Perhaps remembering that you cannot control her actions, she has to overcome her addiction no one else can do that for her. You continue to put your children first and take care of you. You act respectful and with dignity but don't be a doormat.
One must put themself in a place of peace in order to get through these types of situations. I spent a lot of time talking with friends and family. This board was a good tool to share experiences with some people. What do you enjoy doing or what did you enjoy before, get back to that! Let go of any expectations and reside yourself to you will give your children and yourself the best you have to offer. Regardless of the outcome you will have learned tools, strengthened your bond with you children and learn to embrace change.
What she does will be irrelevant. What you do for your children and you is all that matters. It is and can be challenging, but this is a time in which you can really learn about how much strength and fortitude you have within yourself. This is not easy, and remember you made vows, you stuck to them. Despite your spouses behavior you have choosen the high road. You will never go wrong taking the path less traveled. It isn't the easiest route but I am positive it is the most rewarding!
Stay positive, and do not beat yourself up, you can only do something about today, yesterday is gone. Do not let someone's selfish behavior rob you of another day, appreciate yourself, you will be okay. You can endure, it will work out they way it is suppose to.
Married:10 years D final 8/28/08 10 minutes is all it took Life goes on and DB was no small part in growing from the Divorce!
Been a busy week-it was W. birthday so I acted "as if" & bought card / presents as per usual, only differnece was that they were given from all 3 of us rather than anything directly from me. I did not see her or speak to her on the day, just sent a text but did arrange for boys to take W out for dinner & stay over. Received voicemail, text messages & thanks on phone for gifts. I just said that they were from boys & changed topic.
Yesterday was full of sports activities for Boys and we used these for the handover back to W. She reminded me that S9 was playing in a tournament in the afternoon, which I had forgotten about. W asked if I was going & said I would try. She texted later saying it was worth going. I managed to get there & W was very talkative and upbeat, as well as chats about kids, how S9 was playing, she was also being proactive about arrangements for next week, said she had bought things for boys for the holiday(W is not going)telling me where she was going with friends etc. We had been watching from separate spots & at one point she asked me to join her on the balcony as the view was better. Just the 2 of us for about 20 minutes, no dramas, just talking.
Baby steps or cake eating as I know OM was away with OMW this weekend?
