Heart's Blessing - I often wanted to post to you and thank you for your insights. They helped me so much when I was struggling with the MLC behaviour of my husband in the early days. I read your new thread with interest, and am sorry about what has happened with your h [broken leg too].
If I say I am not entirely surprised by the turn of event you described, it is because two things I have learned about MLC are (1)normally it is a very long drawn out affair and (2) your husband exited from it very very quickly. In fact I have come to see MLC not only as a tunnel but as an seemingly endless flight of stairs, down which they fall and fall, stopping on some of the landings. When they hit some of the landings we and they think they have hit bottom, and they haven't, There is further to fall, but they hang around on the landing for a while - days, weeks or months, but fall again they do, until they reach the real bottom.
I also think that they need to leave home to fully confront the crisis.
I have been at this a long time, and used to post under another name, but I am a very different person now so I didn't want to use that name. Walking with the MLCer [apart or together] transforms us utterly, and the walk we take continues to amaze and sometimes delights me too. I would never have chosen this path for my life, and yet I wouldn't have missed it either. Never thought I would say that!
Somewhere along the way, my husband seems to have gone back into another crisis or aspect or phase of some sort; the ending stages seem to be coming back around again; one child that seems to have been missed in the first round has come back... ...or was it just like Jim Conway spoke of in his book..they can come out, but if they don't deal with all of their issues they will have reoccurring episodes for the rest of their lives?
I think that it was Daniel Levinson in The Seasons of a Man's Life who said that we go through a life transition every 7-10 years.
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It's puzzling to me. Strange, but I'm not really upset or bottomed out; and maybe I should be?
There are many things I'm wondering about; and theories I'm also thinking of, like, did the fact that...Many things have been running through my head for quite awhile. ...I cannot make much sense of the whole thing.
Maybe that is the problem: you are trying to make sense of something that is wither not sensical or not meant for making sense. It sounds to me as though you are thinking too hard which is risking analysis paralysis.
Your rendition of Jim Conway's 6 Stages was helpful because you were able to focus your word on the core emotions and behaviours in a way we could that touched us and helped us to understand. It was better than Conway's original because he did it did not have the raw emotional examples but felt more clinical. You are a much better writer than Jim Conway.
I know that it is hard for you to take compliments...but take it. Someone recently found your stages somewhere on the web and emailed them to me to show me what she had found. Your work has gone beyond this board.
You are much welcome; I was glad I could help when I was here before, and sorry to see you still here.
Who were you before you changed your poster name?
As far as my husband goes, this too shall pass in time, changing us again. I will be here for awhile posting as I can.
He is in alot of pain at this time, the pain meds are not working; I can't do anything for him, and it is breaking my heart in sorrow...I can't imagine the kind of pain he is in.
Thank you for your insights; each person gains wisdom and understanding throughout the journey the couple navigates through...and everyone's input is always welcome, as I keep an open mind, regardless of what I see/read. Most of the time it's the people who are standing on the outside; that can provide the most insight into a situation, not always the person within.
One thing I've seen again and again; the journey carries a transformation to the point we don't know ourselves at times..but that's a good thing as we adjust to the change, becoming reborn, maturing into what God would have us to be as adults, growing throughout our lives.
You are right; I will find the strength to carry on..and gain MORE strength in that process....and so will you.
Much love, HB
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
Thank you for the insight you've provided..I'd known I'd find answers here when I came back...and each one is helping me to understand. You'd think since I'd been dealing before, I would have already known some things and wouldn't need help...but oh, that is SO untrue. Memories fade, and are hard to come by, healing took place, and I moved on to a different place in my life. The bottom line was/is, I grew up..and I guess he didn't...and so I left him behind, somewhat.
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Maybe that is the problem: you are trying to make sense of something that is wither not sensical or not meant for making sense. It sounds to me as though you are thinking too hard which is risking analysis paralysis.
Think you are right...the analytical part of me never left; that's the part of me who takes things apart to look deep within. That was also the part that helped me write the six stages of MLC. Connections were made through insight and a number of other things. Jim Conway had written his based on HIS journey, I think...I think he counseled a number of other people, but, still, he didn't seem to make the same kind of connections I did, mine were deeper, plus, I was here with people that were really open with what they were seeing/feeling; and I dug deep for what I needed to write these things, asking many questions, along with what I was experiencing/seeing.
Mr Conway wrote metaphorically, when, probably, he should have been writing in plain language that was easy to understand. And God knows we needed all the understanding we could find at that time..and even now with all the people that are here who are going through the SAME things. The people have changed, but the MLC monster is still the same.
As I had continued to post when I was here before, very deep connections were made with this Monster; and I did some serious pushing past the point of being afraid, and my understanding began to open, my fears were faced, and I wrote to get rid of these feelings, transferring them to the written word to get them off me. It was cathartic, and healing for me to write; after it was on paper, or messageboard, I could look at the whole thing in a different aspect/perspective.
After you get so far, you push PAST the fear, and into the open, realizing that the only thing you ever had to fear was fear itself. I also have a desire to help people understand what they face when they are facing things. I still counsel people in and through the problems in their lives; with the help of the Lord who'd given me this gift of insight..and it's not wasted, that's for sure.
There've been many who have told me that talking to me is comforting, healing..and I seem to put things into a perspective where they can gain a greater understanding of what they face, and how to overcome. I say, I guess...but He speaks through me, and sometimes I don't remember what has been said.
The reason I have a really hard time taking compliments is the fact that I don't consider myself anything special, and I never will. I can see and have confidence in the fact I have survived many things in my life and came through changed. But humility is something that I have never been able to put aside; always crediting the Lord who made me for what I have become. And, too, just because I have moved on to a different stage of my life, I don't feel like I'm any better than anyone else..I'm just plain and down to earth, always trying to relate to what people are going through, and passing on what understanding I gain to others in the same or similar situations. I'd often heard that you can't relate unless you've walked that path in a similar way...walking in another's shoes. And it's true, unless you are insightful enough to make the attempt...if it's too painful, you back out and leave that to others that know better than you. I've had to do that a few times myself. I, as a human being, have always been afraid of saying the wrong things and causing more damage; but when the Lord has poured things into me before and instructed me to speak/do it's always been the right thing to say/do. That part of me has NEVER changed.
Regarding my work going beyond this board; what I wrote was also inspired by the Lord, though I was the writer. And when He passes on wisdom..it takes many forms. It is to Him that I credit this expansion, if you will.
I did go back and re-read them; and I did not recognize myself as having written them..that was another person in another life.
In closing, even if those six stages had never left this board; it's still the same, they were a help, not only to me but others, as well.
It was through the helping of others that my own healing was attained.
Thank you once again for your post.
Much love, HB
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
