Okay, so there is this question that is running through my mind. Is there "evidence" of MLC being something that runs in families?
It seems like I have seen a couple people post something along those lines and I am just really curious. I would love to sit down with my MIL and ask her about my H's growing up years. As I start to piece things together from what I know, I really wonder if his dad ever had a period in his life like this. I don't think he ever left but who knows . . . they tend to cover up things that are unpleasant.
Not even talking genetically, but on a hisstory repeating itself level.
Father and mother, fight, seperate, or D. Child grows up in that house, cannot deal, later he/she hits MLC does similar things, affects their children.
Protecting the kids from this is the best thing you can do...stopping the cycle. : )
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
From my understanding the parents may not even know that they caused a problem. I am sure that my inlaws have no clue about any problems. They still think it is all my fault, because that is what my W has told them. I am not sure that you will get any reliable information from your MIL, I guess it might depend on your R with her. But the odds are that she has more loyalty to her son than she does to you.
My inlaws are toxic by the way, and everything is always someone elses fault. If you drive near their house they will probably sue you, spend $20k in the law suit and not care that you will owe them a nickle.
Everyone has transitions in their lives. The ones that go off the deep end are the ones that experienced very difficult childhoods, i.e, abuse, no validation and/or affirmation, etc. Those who had moderate to good childhoods have very mild transitions.
Your MIL may be able to give you some insight, but you will need to tread very lightly w/her for she may have been the culprit in your h's issues that are going on now.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I think you will find that a majority of time there is an underlining cause to MLC. It doesn't actually point towards growing up in a house that has experienced it. It might be chronic depression, Bipolar, etc....it might be traumatic childhood events....it might be genetics. The cause is really irrelevant, it just happens. We will all go through a period were we evaluate our lives...some say "crap...I need to work on changing this", some say "things are good as they are", and others run and blame everything on others. It really even doesn't matter on how good their life is or isn't....it only depends on their perspective.
The thing is, my in laws live far enough away and are and have always been very uninvolved in our lives and have NO IDEA anything is going on. Their son has not filled them in at all. I haven't either. I won't bring it up with my MIL, but would just be curious. I know depression runs in their family. I am just noticing patterns that are repeating.
Jack, I totally agree about breaking the cycle. I am doing my best to protect my kids and hoping to break it.
The thing is, his parents have been married for 40+ years. He doesn't have a D he has had to deal with in his parents. But I can see the lack of validation, whatever it is that is driving his MLC (refer to my first sentence in this post), and will NOT let my kids experience that from me.
The distance and uninvolvement could the reason your H hasn't told them. It took over a year for my wife to admit what was going on to her father (similar situation). She talked with MIL a lot so it came out rather quickly there, but FIL was not informed. It was odd for me to talk with him prior to that because he thought everything was fine, but there was no way I was going to tell him.
Back to the original question....I think you will see MLC run in families....but not because MLC works like that. I think you will see the pattern because depression does run in families. From what I have read, people with depression problems seem to be subject to MLC easier. They are already (chemically or mentally) prone to see the negative side of everything.....so when they look at their lives they are more prone to see negativity instead of appreciation.
Good insight Lost. It definitely makes sense as depression is the underlying factor. I really, really wish he would get it treated but he isn't there yet.
Their distance makes it easier for him to not tell them for sure. They also would be absolutely horrified as it goes against what they say they believe in. I really don't think he would get their support.
TF- Understanding that he isn't there, will get there when he does, and that you need to take care of yourself....will get you through this. The one pattern I have seen is the MLC'ers tend to hide what is going on more than a WAS from family. You will see a WAS run right to family looking for support faster than an MLC in a lot of cases (not all, but a majority). Why? Who knows.
My W is third generation MLC and you go back one more generation and depression is part of 4 generations in her family. I agree with Lostforwords...MLC is the sympton of something else, whether it is depression, codependency or lack of validation, abuse the list goes on.
TF, I want to break the cycle but my kids are old enough now that my wife's co-dependency and MLC will affect them no matter how much I try to compensate. I am not saying I am hopeless for my children but I hope I am around (that is still kicking) when my children are in a relationship and I can teach them that no one else in this world can "make" you happy, you find that within yourself not in anybody else not even your children.
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
