She Say's She Want's Out Of The Marriage

[Greek]

If she lets me walk away, which it apears she is, then I won't be so willing to come back again. This was a huge let down on her part. She told me what she wanted to do and did none of it.

I got sucked in and I feel like a fool. She had me be part of the family for a week. She fooled me and the kids.

The way I look at it, you really don't know WHAT she will do when you tell her you've had enough of having a sword hanging over her head. You have not delivered that speech or followed through on it before or yet so you don't know what she will do. But you have to mean it when you say it, b/c she'll test it and doubt it and swat at your resolve b/c she's seen you waiver before. Not this time. This time is different and she needs to FEEL THE IMPACT of how different this moment in time is.

Greek

[tbart01]

Well we both agreed to disagree. Seems she won't give what I want, and I won't give what she wants, so the D is on as scheduled.

She just wants to keep "what ifing" and over analyzing everything. She feels that it's too important to keep the D over my head and I feel it's too important to drop it.

I made it very clear that if this was her stance that was it. I would not be coming back the next time she changes her mind. She seems to change it too much and too soon. I can't trust that she really means what she says anymore.

This is unfortunate because she made me think my family was back together. We lived it and did great the past week, yet she still remains the same. I just have to accept that things have gone too far for us to turn back.

[steady]

I hate to hear it but Greek you're probably right. She is unwilling to commit to us after telling me she could.

Saying something and doing it are two different things. Seems she had an expectation of how she should feel after she told you she was 'all in'. After that expectation wasn't met she got cold feet.

I wonder if she panicked because she felt you moving away and did the only thing she could think of doing to get a hold on you.

She's willing to test the waters and see if I'm all out. I'm so important to her that she's willing to let me go instead of taking a chance.

Perhaps her fear is that great. Some people freeze in the face of fear.

This is unfair to me to be expected to wait around for her.

Of all the posts I've read here never did I see someone say that a person should 'wait around' for their spouse. Don't wait around tbart. If she can't make up her mind, you go keep building the life you want. Build it with the expectation she will not be in your life.

She has already shown that she's flighty. She can't make a decision even after making one.

I'll tell ya...if I only had a nickle every time I read this or experienced it with my WAS....

I though this was it for sure. this was different than the other time she said she wanted me back. All she had to do this time was show me she was committed and drop the D.

In a way it was different. She put more than her pinkie toe in the water. Some people start with looking, then the end of their toe, the pinkie toe, two toes, a foot, then take it out and stand there deciding if they really want to go into that pool. Most people don't just jump right in...like I do most of the time..

It's not like I came to her and gave her these demands. She came to me and presented these actions. Now she's telling me that she feels like I'm pressuring her by telling her all in or all out.

To you it's not pressure because you want to go ALL IN. To her it IS pressure because she is so unsure of what 'the right thing' to do is.

Remember, there's two perspectives here. Yours and hers. For you it's easy to think of all in because you're in the position you're in. If you were in her position, it's possible you wouldn't be able to really stomach all in.

I believe it was her that said she was all in.

Ok. Certainty and believe are two different things. If she said all in then she said it, if she didn't, then how can you possibly hold her to it?

If she lets me walk away, which it apears she is, then I won't be so willing to come back again. This was a huge let down on her part. She told me what she wanted to do and did none of it.

I got sucked in and I feel like a fool. She had me be part of the family for a week. She fooled me and the kids.

tbart don't look at it so much as her fooling you. This implies something that is purposefully done and premeditated.

If you read a few posts into when you 'came back here', you'll notice a few people told you not to bite on the first piece of bait she throws your way.

I think it was Coach (forgive me if I'm wrong Coach)who said something along those lines. When his spouse said she wanted to come back he just kept doing what he was doing. He made her work for it to show how willing and committed she was.

"You know W, I see how unsure you are and how you are flip-flopping in your decision making. Tell you what, you go over there and think about. Figure out what you want to do. In the meantime I'll be heading that way (the direction of your choosing). I make no promises of where I may be if you decide you want to really commit to this, but I do know I'm not going to be sitting here just waiting around."

Re-read what Coach said about attraction.

We mistakenly believe our spouse 'falls out of love' with us, when I'm really starting to understand they just lose their attraction to us. I never believed in the whole 'I fell out of love' stuff so the attraction angle makes so much more sense to me.

[Coach]

you aren't being jerked around,
you are being tested,
and despite what she says about being tired of the drama,
she loves it,
she generates 99% of it herself,

use the script I provided,
I knew she was going to flip flop like this,
which is why I provided you with the script,
she is going to bring it up again, I guarantee it,
you aren't giving her anything to chase so she gets bored quickly, you're there standing by ready to say "YES! YES! YES!" and that's way too easy for her, let her work for it, display your value, otherwise continue complaining about being jerked in two different directions - lead in your direction and let her follow you otherwise let the "jerking" continue.

Go back and read Rob's script again.

How are you going to move the WAW into coming home? A object at rest stays at rest, what will be the force that causes her to move forward? How long did it take her to make the decision to leave, what did she weigh out in her mind? What has caused her to express interest now? What worked on you? You are being watched.

Cheers

[Puppy Dog Tails]

If you read a few posts into when you 'came back here', you'll notice a few people told you not to bite on the first piece of bait she throws your way.

My advice would be to "Never accept the first offer."

You are skeptical? Be honest, and SHARE THOSE FEELINGS with your wife. Your position should be "I just don't know anymore."

SLOW AND STEADY.

When you meet, it's "GIVE nothing; EXPECT nothing."

oh, and did I say "SLOW AND STEADY"???

This is a great position to be in, tBart. Don't jump too fast!

Puppy

[tbart01]

Hello everyone, I'm back with an update. Things have been really weird since the bottom fell out last time.

After my w changed her mind I felt that this was it. Some months ago I developed a friendship with a female and we talked everyday on the phone. I let my W know about this, and at first she had no issue.

However, the more she thought about it the more she began to dig and prod. I kept trying to hide specifics, but my w would keep catching me in lies.

Even though she was continuing to D me, she acted like I had done her wrong by having a relationship. Keep in mind my W and I have been separated for almost a year now.

We went back and forth for weeks about this. My W even called the girl and asked her to stop talking to me. Me and the friend stopped communicating. Then one day out of nowhere my cell phone rang while my W was standing over my shoulder. My W absolutely flipped out.

This started a huge fight that lasted for days. My W and kids had been staying with me because their mobile home was being moved. She decided she couldn't stay with me, so she went to her friends for a few days.

It got weird on our anniversary. I received a text that morning by her to come unlock my door. I opened the door and she was standing there. I laid down on the couch and she came and laid down next to me and put my arms around her.

This behavior went on everyday for the week. She would hug me, touch me, and kiss me. We even made love for the first time in almost a year.

She said afterwards that she felt like the other woman because I hadn't ended the friendship. I ended the friendship the next day,and I haven't spoke to the other woman since.

That day my W dropped the D, and told me she wants to take it slow. We still discuss the other relationship and live separate. I'm in no hurry to move back in, but it's all still so confusing.

It's puzzling how she can go from acting like she hates me, to laying down with me and dropping the D. We see each other everyday and things seem to be going well.

I have no idea how this will turn out, but it's a bigger step than any other we've had.

[robx]

tbart thanks for the update,
I know it's been quite a process for you but you did prove that fear of loss/crisis (ie. moving on, letting go of your WAS, finding someone else, etc.) will usually bring a spouse back.

But... she may have dropped the divorce and you guys are taking it slow but that just means you're still living in limbo. No divorce and you don't get to interact with that other woman so your wife doesn't divorce you but keeps you at a distance and you get to continue living separately in this non-relationship marriage relationship you have.

I give you major points for moving on or at least attempting to.

You will soon find out if it's worth waiting for your wife to wake up or of it's time for you to continue moving on and no longer play games with your marriage. After a while a person gets tired of the one foot in/one foot out business, you're either all in or you're all out, no more toleration for in between / limbo status.

Have a nice weekend bro!

[pinhead]

I hope John reads this thread and sees what happens. Funny how seeing your spouse dating brings such a strong reaction from the WAS...

Good luck!

[steady]

It's puzzling how she can go from acting like she hates me, to laying down with me and dropping the D. We see each other everyday and things seem to be going well.

It's not puzzling. Like tbart said, she saw you moving away so she chased. It's really that simple.

Like robx said you have to be careful. Sometimes they will chase until they think they have you again then they go back to status quo. Is she still hugging you, making love, cuddling, etc... since you stopped communicating with the other woman?

I don't think I would have dropped the other woman until I was very convinced my W was committed to working on our M. I would have told her we needed to date and I would have continued to date the other woman. Make my W compete with someone.

But it's easy to armchair quaterback from a distance and not being in the sitch. For all I know I would have done the same thing as you.

But there's no question in my mind, the OW was a catalyst. She took a back seat and she even told you she felt like the 'other woman'.

[tbart01]

Just wanted to let everyone know that the reconciliation is still on track. My w and I seem to be able to talk through things that used to derail us in the past.

Even when stuff comes up about the other R, she talks it out with me. She continues to go out of her way to hug me, kiss me, cuddle with me, and hold my hand.

She keeps telling me how much she wants us to remain a couple. She hasn't let anything get in our way. Things that seemed to get in the way before no longer does.

I must say, she seems allot clearer than at any other point during this process. She used to say and do things that made me say WTF, but not anymore.

I'm still being cautious about things. I'm watching her and evaluated things she says and does. We still live separately, and I'm in no hurry to move back together. She has me over everyday, and we're just taking things one day at a time.