HDWife trying for happier life

[ssmguy]

Sorry, ssm. I didn't find a thread that outlines your situation completely, but I recall that your wife did say she was done with sex years ago, right? Do you bring up that you are trying to change that status quo or do you pretend everything is honkey dorey?

Oh yes, very clear, to the point where she that I was being ridiculous. She said that what I had to say made her feel very bad about herself. The problem is, you can't "make" someone want sex, and she felt hopeless because she couldn't "make" herself want it either.

My situation is a bit different. I am most definitely HD but I just want the orgasm and while lingerie, role play, toys, etc are certainly interesting, I could live just fine with missionary and doggy style every night.

Don't get me wrong, I could live with just those two things too, for years and years, as long as they were frequent!

Ultimately it's about pushing our partners buttons the right way. Good luck with whatever you are trying to accomplish - for me, 1 year no overt sexual advances. It's only been 4 days since I made this commitment, and already my husband is wondering what the heck is going on. Since I have backed off (truly, not just half hearted in the past), he's been sniffing around.

It looks very positive for you because you get a reaction that's moving in the right direction. I've not pushed for any sex at all for years, and my wife is happy not to be bothered. As they say, it's usually the person with the lower sex drive that gets his/her way.

Heck, I even suggested to my wife that perhaps I should have a mistress just for the sex, while maintaining everything else as it is. She certainly got the point, but didn't do anything to improve our sex life. At least your husband is willing to try to move in the direction you want, or is at least giving some signs that he would.

ps: this whole being coy thing is new to me... Why hasn't anyone bitten on the prior thread on this board? What was the reference not intriguing?

Sure, if I can find it.

[Kettricken]

*I* was on here for part of '07; do I get the prize??

[haphazard]

Hey HDWife, this sounds positive. Your H is more likely to be into being the chaser rather than chasee. Being coy might just be the way to go for you. How about reading some historical romance novels to pick up tips on how to behave coy? I'm sure it'll make him feel more like a MAN if he has to conquer you - do you get what I mean?

One time I did the coy thing with my H and he got all snarky on me because he thought he was being rejected, but I said "no, I just felt like being chased". That flipped a switch immediately!

[HDwife]

I love having an iPhone... I can lay in bed next to my sleeping husband and instead of trying to cop a feel, comment on how *enlightened* I am at the moment for not doing so. Sigh. It's been 3 weeks since we last had sex and this year pledge to beak the cycle gets really, really hard about now.

Hap - you are absolutely right and I know it. The problem is I like to be able to just be agressive and get what I want (works in the world of clothed people) and I can't embrace that rather typically productive aspect of my being in bed. Sigh, if I were single I'd be a cougar. But luckily I have a man who loves me and I love him so I must embrace my sexuality differently in order for us to have a better sex life.

Any good historical romances that I can tolerate? I resonate with Ellen from ken follet's pillars of the earth, and generally shuck the Austen material before it may get good (recently tried to plow thru Persuasian and it drove me bonko).

Thanks for letting me vent instead of futily waking my husband up trying to get a morning quickie before taking the kids to school (me waking him up for sex never works, but try and try again is usually my motto)...

ps: K, i was trying to inspire a guessing game . what kind of prize would u like?

[haphazard]

Sigh, if I were single I'd be a cougar.

Laughing so loud I nearly woke the kids!

Same here

Try Georgette Heyer for reading material totally un-naughty but lots of "feisty" females being conquered by the man they fancy. She was an early 20th century writer but her novels were set in the Regency period.

Also note the salutary tale of Scarlett O'Hara

[erynfaye]

We've basically had the same stupid sex cycle for the past decade. He seems happy with every other week when I want it every night. After a few days of hinting, I start asking and getting told "No", "stop" etc. Often the pattern breaks after I completely bawl or blow-up. I'm sick of the cycle. Speaking of cycles - I was promised sex tonite after asking for it constantly for the past 2 weeks (dwell much? sigh) and of course, I start bleeding.

Dear HDWife,
The story you told of the little girl skipping away so brilliantly sums up the stories I have heard from other HD women. Thank you for sharing that with us. After your story, you also asked a profound question about breaking the cycle of asking for sex that you have with your husband. (I will attempt to insert the comment here, but as a newbie to this board, I might mess it up!!)

As a Coach who regularly implements the strategies that Michele Weiner Davis discusses in her books, my clients have found success in “doing a 180”, meaning doing the opposite of what they are currently doing. As such, please bear with me as I ask a couple questions.

First, what would happen if you stopped asking your husband for sex all together? That would look like no hinting, no mention, no advances, nothing. Secondly, what if you combined that 180 strategy with the GAL strategy? Meaning, you not only stop asking, but then you go about your life in a happy and contented manner. Perhaps you could pick up a hobby, spend extra time having coffee with a girlfriend, take a professional development course, etc.

As such, you would be interrupting the cycle that the two of you have created, which will force a different reaction. As you monitor the reactions over time, you might get different results.

I hope this is an encouragement to you! I look forward to hearing more of your journey!

[HDwife]

Thanks Hap - gonna go see if the library has Heyer on the shelves :-)

eryn - I have vowed to stop pursuing sex. However, I am not sure that would look like no hinting as I think I need to learn how to be "open to having sex" without being overt about demanding sex. ie, I am trying very very hard to be a "bunny" instead of a "cougar". The playboy bunny is a perfect depiction of the coquettish image I am trying to learn to attract my husband.

My husband has noticed that I have stopped asking for sex for the last week, and from what I can tell, he appreciates that I have backed off. He is definitely paying more attention to me, albeit not sexually.

I have done actually a real 180 by responding to a grumpy morning stupid comment out of his mouth with "no sex for you for a while for that". I am not one to withhold sex. Rather, I would always be happy to "kiss & make up" and the unfortunate resulting dynamic is one where he is now giving me a present by having sex, as opposed to it being a mutual pleasure process. So, now I have also given up sex altogether even if he initiates it, at least for lent (guess I'm going Catholic schoolgirl in addition to bunny). That should shake things up...

thanks for your support - I really appreciate the encouragement!! (its NOT easy modifying my natural inclinations even when I know that the behavior will be rewarded in the long run).

[DanceQueen]

Hi hdwife...you said: "(its NOT easy modifying my natural inclinations even when I know that the behavior will be rewarded in the long run)."

I agree with your tactic, and with the theory that a bunny may be better than a cougar in a situation like yours. I want sex more often than my husband too, and I've found that being demanding or being too sexual towards him doesn't really work. Basically, they register this as a "complaint" about them, and that makes them even less likely to "comply" with your needs. Instead it turns them off and then we're going without sex even longer.

I do think that you'll get him noticing you more and possibly initiating sex more.

However...I am confused about the last part of your statement...how do you "know" you will be rewarded in the long run? My guess is that in the long run, he will be noticing you more and initiating more, but its not going to shoot up to 2x per week like you are hoping. I believe that the only way that's going to happen is if you basically get him to realize that you will not accept less than 2x per week and then get him to agree to it verbally or even in writing...and THEN you will still have to be the one to enforce it (ie: he will still try to get it back down to 1x per week or less, even with an agreement in place).

Being the coy playboy bunny is certainly going to get his attention and possibly get you some more sex...but its likely not going to change his natural sex drive. I'm just saying this because I'm going through the same thing, and also because of the 100's of stories I've read over the years about SSM's and how it works. The lower sex drive spouse will basically have to force themselves to increase the amount of sex they have...they will never naturally increase their sex drive to a large degree.

Unless you know something I don't know?

I've gone through the cycle a million times, too...I've backed off initiating, I've been agreesive, I've been passive, I've disappeared altogether, I've begged, I've refused...nothing really works in the long term to change their actual sex drive.

If I'm wrong and you've found a magical answer...tell me cuz I want more, too! ;0)

No actually...if you'll read my "wedding" thread, you'll that I've finally had some success recently in getting a bit more a bit more often...however, he STILL will naturally fall back into his normal sex drive and I STILL have to be the one to kick him back into the plan with me.

DQ

[HDwife]

ahhhh, DQ - way to burst my bubble.

All I know is that I was driving myself nuts with the previous dynamic. At least this is a change. We'll see where it goes...

Time to find your thread!

[Young at Heart]

I am reading an interesting book called Mating in Captivity. It talks about how intimacy/closeness/security can easily cause a lack of lust/passion/erotic pleasure in a marriage.

In the book the author talks about ways that some couples balance the security of a close intimate marriage against the fear, uncertainty and erotic passion of sex with someone you are not 100% sure of. She has some suggestions for couples on how to pump up the mystery so as to increase the passion.

One of the things that doing a 180 may be doing is not only changing the historic dynamic balance, but also adding a little mystery to a relationship.

I haven't finished the book yet, but what I have read so far is pretty interesting.

On another note, HDwife might want to ask her husband get his testosterone level checked the next time he goes in for a medical appointment. There are a surprising number of men with low T levels and it can be a signal for all kinds of bad things from low bone density to diebetes.

Good luck.