HDWife trying for happier life

[HDwife]

Once upon a time there was a happy little girl who had a crush on the boy next door. Every day she would skip past his house and smile & wave to him in his yard. For a while, it seemed like the boy liked her, too. He would give a little lopsided grin and say "hiya". But over time, things changed. Instead of smiling when the girl skipped past, a scowl or a sneer was more common. One day the boy threw an egg at the girl when she came by. She went home crying but washed up and the next day, she was out smiling and skipping along yet again. The boy threw another egg. And the next day he threw another. Even though the girl washed the shells and sticky, drippy, mess every day, she began to feel as though she was still covered with the eggs when she wasn't. Still, she liked the boy, and those days that he gave her his silly lopsided smile kept her coming by his house. But, over time, the skipping slowed and shuffling became the norm. The boy would sometimes throw egg after egg after egg. One day, instead of going to visit the boy, the little girl looked into the mirror and saw a sad old lady looking back. The End.

***
The thrown eggs are the rejections I've heard over the years when I've approached my husband looking for sex. We've basically had the same stupid sex cycle for the past decade. He seems happy with every other week when I want it every night. After a few days of hinting, I start asking and getting told "No", "stop" etc. Often the pattern breaks after I completely bawl or blow-up. I'm sick of the cycle. Speaking of cycles - I was promised sex tonite after asking for it constantly for the past 2 weeks (dwell much? sigh) and of course, I start bleeding.

To me, a perfect marriage is one that everyday stress is thrown to the wind as 2 people who love each other find sexual solace before closing their eyes each night.

I'm sad. I know others have it worse, and I wish I could be more thankful for what I do have, but I miss what I don't have.

Am here to vent (thanks to anyone who cares to listen) and hopefully figure out a way to get out of this wretched cycle.

[haphazard]

That was a great story - well a great way of describing it - and I totally know what you are talking about.

He is of a lower sex drive than you are, every time you approach him for sex he feels ashamed because he can't fulfill you. The feelings of shame are painful to him and he blames you for making him feel that way. This is why he keeps throwing those eggs. If you stop asking he will feel relief - it may reduce the tension in the house but it won't make him step up.

All I would say is get a life, stop focusing on this issue, don't ever initiate AT ALL, act like you don't give a damn, be cheerful and next time he inititiates flirt a little but turn him down (with a raincheck) do this as playfully as you can. Make him chase you - he will feel better about himself.

I'm not saying this will work, but if you keep pursuing him and you are bound to fail.

If what I'm suggesting doesn't work (it'll take a year at least) then please don't waste any more of your beautiful self on him - he truly does not deserve you.

The shuffling instead of skipping is where I was in my M for about 6 years before it finally ended. Now my skip is gradually coming back.

You have kids and so do I - I swear mine are happier now, they fight less and are generally more content with life although they do miss having their Dad live with us. The atmosphere in our house is way more positive - and I believe they get that when they are with him too.

[HDwife]

All I would say is get a life, stop focusing on this issue, don't ever initiate AT ALL, act like you don't give a damn, be cheerful and next time he inititiates flirt a little but turn him down (with a raincheck) do this as playfully as you can. Make him chase you - he will feel better about himself.

Is that all? Sign me up! [/sarcasm].
Seriously, thanks for caring and cutting to the chase.

I hereby proclaim that as of today, 2/12/10, I vow to not initiate sex with my husband for one full year. I will try to get a life beyond sex, too. As my happiness is up to me, I will stop diminishing life's joys by constantly weighing personal pleasure with pussy pleasure.

ps: I take this advise to heart as a reincarnation on this board (ie, not a total newbie).

[Young at Heart]

A few other thoughts.

First you don't discuss your age or your husband's age, but there are a lot of men out there with low testosterone levels. There is something called metabolic syndrome, which often includes being significantly overweight, (low testosterone levels in men), high insulin rates or type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure and a variety of other things. Similarly, high stress or chronic lack of sleep can also do bad things to a man.

You might want to first ask your husband get a complete physical from bone scan, blood tests for testosterone, anemia, bood glucose, etc. It could be extremely important for his health.

Once you have ruled out the medical issues, then you probably need to work on your relationship. Michele Weiner-Davis has several great books that you might want to read. Other books often suggested include the Five Lanaguages of Love (Chapman) and Hold Me Tight (Sue Johnson). Another intersting book is the Passionate Marriage, in which David Schnarch says that having differing levels of sexual desire in a marriage is normal and part of the wonder of marriage, which forces a committed couple into growing emotionally together. His approach does a lot of things to force couples to really understand who they each are and think about how much they need their partner and the things that they do to keep and please their partner.

I am sure others more successful that I, will be able to offer you more suggestions. The suggestion above on "getting a life" and making you the best "you" can be is at the core of almost every success. Once you set an example of change for your spouse, they then will notice the change and potentially seek to move toward the new you by changing the way they act.

Good luck

[Tim2point0]

HDW: How is the sex when you do ML? Is it good, at least, or is it lousy? I'm tempted to say something like "Try waiting 18 months and then having bad sex, then talk to me," but I am aware that even twice a month can be a SSM. But if the sex is still good for both of you, at least some of the time, then you're way ahead of most folks here. I totally understand your frustration, having been there for at least 2 decades myself, but I would like to say please hang in there, if you can, and give yourself the peace of mind of having done everything you can to make things better before walking away from the sitch. Obviously, you'll have to judge for yourself when is the time to end it, and nobody else's experience is really relevant to that. Just be aware that there is a lot of help out there, you just have to look for it, and work to get it. In my case, W and I have seen 2 counselors before now, one in 2000 and another in 2002. W saw a counselor on her own in 2004, and now we're working with a fourth (and final) one. The first C was unacceptable to both of us, he didn't last 5 sessions. The second was a woman, and I thought she had potential to help us, but W felt she was concentrating too much on W's issues, so we stopped going. With those 2 C's, there was also the issue that we were going through my company's EAP, which is only meant for short-term stuff, so 10 sessions max, and we didn't feel we could afford to pay our own way. W liked the C she saw individually, but she didn't help at all, there was no change in W, and the C was just validating her and not holding her accountable. So now, we're working with a great C (we're paying for it), and I really think he can help us. I hope so, anyway. If he can't, I'm prepared to end the M, because I just can't live like this any more. Our home life isn't like an armed camp, or anything, and the kids think we have a solid M, but there's no passion and a lot of lonliness. So there you go. I do wish you the best of luck, and I hope you find a good path.

Also, you do realize that your vision of a "perfect marriage" is just a fantasy, right? Just checking...

[HDwife]

Thanks YAH! I have read most of michele's books and the love languages and mars Venus. I am returning to this board to try again. This time I am taking full responsibility for my dissatisfaction in my marital bed and life. As I think I am a sex junkie (controlled, but an addict nonetheless), the whole " do not pursue" avenue is one I need to take seriously. There is nothing wrong with dh or me medically. We are 37, 38 respectively.

Tim, I sincerely wish you well in your own marriage journey. You're right, I AM luckier than most in ssm on this board. However, I live for sex. If you look at a pic of me 2 weeks without sex and then look at another pic the very next day after getting some, I look much younger, happier, thinner. Really. Not my imagination. I am exremely attractive when freshly ?ucked. The problem is I have little control over my pissiness when not getting it regularly.

I don't want an affair. I don't want a divorce. I want my husband to make love to me more often. A vibrator, while fun for the moment, leaves me more empty and depressed afterwards. I'm a codependent sex addict, self diagnosed. I just want to shed the toxic behaviors that I do to perpetuate the situation.

This is where I will be when I want my husband to pull his dick out as I refuse to ask anymore per my proclamation above.

[Young at Heart]

I would like to suggest Sue Johnson's book Hold Me Tight, as it helped me realize that my need for endorphine chemical release associated with being touched and sex was a natural part of the couple-bonding process that should happen in a marriage. I found that I need touch and sex more than most people when I read the Five Languages of Love. Then in counseling I am also beginning to understand that I am afraid of being abandonded; and that while successful, I have periods of huge self-doubt. Working on getting a life, is helping me regain self-confidence and that is important for me. I feel that even if my fear of abandonment and my self-confidence issues were resolved, that I would still have a higher desire for sex than my wife.

From what you are posting, I would also suspect that your need for sex also is a need to some form of reinforcement or validation you require from your spouse, as few would label themselves as a "codependent sex addict." Using sex to medicate emotional pain (or fear) is not the best way to gain a happy life. If that is the case, you might really want to better understand your own motivation for sex with your spouse, beyond a "codependent addiction level."

One of the things I have started to figure out in my journey to "get a life" is why I desire sex more than my wife. I have also spent time of figuring out (and talking to my wife about) what kinds of "non-intercourse" might satisfy my need to be touched and would be acceptable to me as a substitute for some of the sex from my wife that I need. Verbal praising can also be a substitute for sex some times. Similarly, being successful in getting a great life can also be a real boost in self esteam.

Confronting and then confessing your issues with your spouse, so that they can help you deal with your inner-most fears is a scary thing.

Good luck to you.

[ssmguy]

I've wanted to have sex about once a day ever since my early teens. It's now decades later, and I still want sex once a day. My wife is never interested in sex. When we first met, she thought it was a good thing. After a while, she thought once a day was too much, and we had a lot less sex. After some more years, and I told her I would like to ML every day, she thought it must be because I was having stress at work, or that I was not normal, etc. Funny, because she thought it was great when we first met. I've been in therapy individually, and jointly. None of these things diminished my desire for frequent sex.

At some point, you have to realize that having a high sexual desire is a gift to be enjoyed, not an abnormality for which a psychological pathology is required as an explanation. And if you have a partner who isn't interested, you pay a price for having that "gift" or great capacity for sexual enjoyment.

If my wife were like HDWife, sex wouldn't be an issue. We'd be too busy f***ing ourselves to sleep every night, year after year. And that's not to mean it would be boring and the same -- quite the contrary. I'm a big sexual flirt all day long. Hey, I even called my wife at work in the morning several times, and suggested meeting in a hotel for a romantic and fun quickie during lunch. I suggested we try it in any kind of a fantasy approach she might like. I suggested it a handful of times of the years. Never happened. Just one of many different things I suggested that never happened.

I totally agree with HDWife. If I've had sex with a good buildup and a mind-blowing orgasm, I've got that extra energy and bounce in my step for the next 24 hours. And if I know that good sex is a sure thing within 24 hours, I feel free of that mental burden of trying to figure out how and when and where I'll get a chance to realize sexual fantasies that have been building up all day.

[haphazard]

At some point, you have to realize that having a high sexual desire is a gift to be enjoyed, not an abnormality for which a psychological pathology is required as an explanation. And if you have a partner who isn't interested, you pay a price for having that "gift" or great capacity for sexual enjoyment.

Absolutely!

[HDwife]

At some point, you have to realize that having a high sexual desire is a gift to be enjoyed, not an abnormality for which a psychological pathology is required as an explanation. And if you have a partner who isn't interested, you pay a price for having that "gift" or great capacity for sexual enjoyment.

Absolutely!

lol!! That's what I *used to* think. noone has jumped on the fact that I reference being on this board before (there's a whole very interesting thread from 2007). Call it defeatism or enlightenment (or maybe both), but I am no longer treating my sex life as looking a gift horse in the mouth. All I can do is change my attitudes and try to lower the importance of sex in my life if I have any hope of true happiness.

I really do appreciate the validation, however.

yah, I'll check out the book you mention.

Ps: interesting personal examination - last time I was evaluating my ssm on these forums, my husband was switching employment. He is switching work roles now too. Seems that the sex issue is amplified when money becomes a focus. As in, maybe my tolerance for the lack of frequency is greatly diminished when other needs are put in potential jeopardy? I am extremely supportive and helpful in job searches, however.